Well...I've been a father for three weeks now (tomorrow). Every night, after the kids fall asleep, I tell myself I'm going to come in here and write about my day....my week....whatever. Every night I sit in this chair and promptly fall asleep.
The good news is, I think Lori and I are darned good at this parenting thing. The kids are adjusting well, doing pretty good at school, enjoying their time with the extended family. We're settling in to a routine. 95% of the time, the kids are little angels who are more loving and affectionate than any kids I've ever been around.
But that's the thing. When they're good - they're very very good. But when they don't want to be good, it gets rough. And typing that and reading it back makes it seem like I'm whining or that every parent goes through that. The last week has been unusually rough and for Lori and I, kind of heartbreaking.
Our little girl is going into rages where she is trying to injure us, herself, the furniture, her brother, etc. It's really pretty scary. The first night it happened, we had to call someone for assistance. She was here tonight to talk to the kids. She left and we thought it was cotton candy and rainbows. Not 30 seconds after she left did the kicking, screaming, and hateful words start spewing out. We called our contact, someone that has known the kids for several years and she got to witness just what we've been going through this week. Part of me was a little sad that we couldn't handle it ourselves. But, honestly, I was thrilled that we had a witness. The contact had never seen her like this and some of the violence carried over to her.
I hope we can figure out a way to get through to her when she's like that. I don't know. It breaks my heart that she's in the trance that she's in. It breaks my heart that if she continues, things will change in ways none of us want. Lori and I are treading carefully and gently. No major injuries, breakages, etc. But, we know we need help and answers and need them QUICK!
There's so much more I want to write - but honestly, I'm tired. I'm hopeful, but tired. I hope we have a better day tomorrow. I hope the kids can handle the day. I hope we can handle the nights.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Meet the Parents....
We are now officially, by all definitions - parents. We've had the kids since Saturday, and each night I tell myself that I'm going to come here and write down my feelings of the day, and each night I fall asleep before I ever get to the screen. I haven't watched a second of television since Saturday that hasn't been programmed for someone over the age of 8.
Saturday was an incredible experience. We started out early, at lunch at our favorite mexican food restaurant along the way, and got to the foster mom's house right at 2 pm. The kids had thrown a "going away party" for Dalton and Bailey. I had made cookies for all the kids. I didn't want to show up empty handed. Lori sat and asked the foster mom as many questions as we could sqeeze in and I played with the kids. I had written on our photo album that I liked to do magic tricks. The kids JUMPED on that! Luckily, I was able to do a couple things with a quarter. They caught me off guard though - I'm going to have to pull out all the stops when we go back to visit.
Leaving there was sad for me. We were happy - but it was a sad moment. There were a couple of older girls that kind of "looked after" Bailey that were the sweetest girls around. I only met them a couple of times for a total of 15 minutes, but I miss them. I was super-impressed by one of the girls who was very sad that Bailey was leaving - but she wouldn't let Bailey see her cry. I did though. Broke my heart in a million pieces.
We were prepared on the car ride back. We had a Finding Nemo DVD ready to go and it worked wonderfully with the long car ride back. Getting to the house was very exciting. The kids LOVED their rooms. Dalton freaked (in a good way) over his Hot Wheels track. Honestly, Bailey enjoyed playing with Dalton's stuff more than playing with her own. She likes it fine - but Dalton was SO excited, you couldn't help but want to help him play. Saturday, everything was fine and we settled in pretty well.......until bedtime. Bailey was very sad. We had to call the foster mom to say goodnight. Then, she decided she wanted to go back and we had a real hard time getting her to go to sleep. We succeeded though. Like I said - Amazing, life changing day.
Day two was Sunday and we started trying to get into a routine. Did a pretty good job of it. We discovered quickly that our "outside toys" really stunk. So, armed with a gift card from my office, we set out to supply the kids with more entertainment. We got Dalton a better/bigger track for his Hot Wheels cars. We got Bailey a cheap Cinderella computer. And - we got a soccer ball and goal and a ring toss game for outside. The kids LOVED the soccer ball. Ring toss, too, but the soccer ball is where it was at! We were doing fine until Bailey decided she wasn't going to pick up her shoes and she decided to tell me so in a disrespectful way. Time-out time. She did NOT want to go. 20 minutes of a screaming, fighting FIT. Finally, Lori hit on the magic question - "Are you ready for me to start the clock?" Somehow, a switch went off and she became a different child in 2 seconds. She was sweet the rest of the day, including bedtime.
Today was a LOT better day all around. the kids understood our schedule and helped out a bunch. We went after lunch to the park and fed the ducks, played at the playground, and got a sno-cone. We even took the dog......
Oh. The dog. That's been a bit of an issue. The dog LOVES the kids. Constant attention. But, she doesn't know the difference between a stuffed animal and a dog toy. She's been taking stuffed animals. Dalton didn't like it, tried to retrieve an animal and got a little bit in the process. Should have learned, right? Wrong. Tried to hug the dog by picking her up by the neck. Bit again. Well....nipped. But it scared him. Terrified us. He was fine in seconds. The dog was out from under the bed in minutes. We on the other hand were wrecks about it for a couple of hours. I don't think the kids have learned yet and I fully expect it to happen again once or twice this week. The dog actually goes in and sleeps with Dalton for half of the night. The kids just don't know how to handle a dog yet.
We had another meltdown with Bailey today after the ducks. She was tired, but the same type of meltdown over nothing. We were patient and persistent though and when Lori asked the magic question, she was fine. Then again, tonight, she did it again. Screaming at the top of her lungs for 15 minutes about a problem that is unsolvable. For the third time, she turned it off like a switch, sat in time out for 4 minutes, and pretended like she has always been the sweetest girl inTexas.
Tonight has been a mountain of paperwork for school tomorrow. We aren't even sure we have all of it from the case worker and / or the foster family. But, we're going up there to deal with what we have to deal with.
So - now that I'm falling asleep, have sore knees, and smell like Hot Wheels and Barbie dolls, how do I feel about things? First - my wife has been AWESOME at this. I really have been proud of her reaction to the day and the positive attitude towards the day to come. More than I ever expected. I am SO SO proud of my little man, Dalton. He wants to please us SO bad. Some of his tactics are transparent, but SO heartbreakingly cute. He wants to keep his little sister out of trouble and will do anything he can to fix her problems. He's been no trouble at all at bathtime, bedtime, etc. They're both BIG eaters and aren't picky at all. We are so lucky in that department.
But.....more later. Daddy has to go to bed.
Saturday was an incredible experience. We started out early, at lunch at our favorite mexican food restaurant along the way, and got to the foster mom's house right at 2 pm. The kids had thrown a "going away party" for Dalton and Bailey. I had made cookies for all the kids. I didn't want to show up empty handed. Lori sat and asked the foster mom as many questions as we could sqeeze in and I played with the kids. I had written on our photo album that I liked to do magic tricks. The kids JUMPED on that! Luckily, I was able to do a couple things with a quarter. They caught me off guard though - I'm going to have to pull out all the stops when we go back to visit.
Leaving there was sad for me. We were happy - but it was a sad moment. There were a couple of older girls that kind of "looked after" Bailey that were the sweetest girls around. I only met them a couple of times for a total of 15 minutes, but I miss them. I was super-impressed by one of the girls who was very sad that Bailey was leaving - but she wouldn't let Bailey see her cry. I did though. Broke my heart in a million pieces.
We were prepared on the car ride back. We had a Finding Nemo DVD ready to go and it worked wonderfully with the long car ride back. Getting to the house was very exciting. The kids LOVED their rooms. Dalton freaked (in a good way) over his Hot Wheels track. Honestly, Bailey enjoyed playing with Dalton's stuff more than playing with her own. She likes it fine - but Dalton was SO excited, you couldn't help but want to help him play. Saturday, everything was fine and we settled in pretty well.......until bedtime. Bailey was very sad. We had to call the foster mom to say goodnight. Then, she decided she wanted to go back and we had a real hard time getting her to go to sleep. We succeeded though. Like I said - Amazing, life changing day.
Day two was Sunday and we started trying to get into a routine. Did a pretty good job of it. We discovered quickly that our "outside toys" really stunk. So, armed with a gift card from my office, we set out to supply the kids with more entertainment. We got Dalton a better/bigger track for his Hot Wheels cars. We got Bailey a cheap Cinderella computer. And - we got a soccer ball and goal and a ring toss game for outside. The kids LOVED the soccer ball. Ring toss, too, but the soccer ball is where it was at! We were doing fine until Bailey decided she wasn't going to pick up her shoes and she decided to tell me so in a disrespectful way. Time-out time. She did NOT want to go. 20 minutes of a screaming, fighting FIT. Finally, Lori hit on the magic question - "Are you ready for me to start the clock?" Somehow, a switch went off and she became a different child in 2 seconds. She was sweet the rest of the day, including bedtime.
Today was a LOT better day all around. the kids understood our schedule and helped out a bunch. We went after lunch to the park and fed the ducks, played at the playground, and got a sno-cone. We even took the dog......
Oh. The dog. That's been a bit of an issue. The dog LOVES the kids. Constant attention. But, she doesn't know the difference between a stuffed animal and a dog toy. She's been taking stuffed animals. Dalton didn't like it, tried to retrieve an animal and got a little bit in the process. Should have learned, right? Wrong. Tried to hug the dog by picking her up by the neck. Bit again. Well....nipped. But it scared him. Terrified us. He was fine in seconds. The dog was out from under the bed in minutes. We on the other hand were wrecks about it for a couple of hours. I don't think the kids have learned yet and I fully expect it to happen again once or twice this week. The dog actually goes in and sleeps with Dalton for half of the night. The kids just don't know how to handle a dog yet.
We had another meltdown with Bailey today after the ducks. She was tired, but the same type of meltdown over nothing. We were patient and persistent though and when Lori asked the magic question, she was fine. Then again, tonight, she did it again. Screaming at the top of her lungs for 15 minutes about a problem that is unsolvable. For the third time, she turned it off like a switch, sat in time out for 4 minutes, and pretended like she has always been the sweetest girl inTexas.
Tonight has been a mountain of paperwork for school tomorrow. We aren't even sure we have all of it from the case worker and / or the foster family. But, we're going up there to deal with what we have to deal with.
So - now that I'm falling asleep, have sore knees, and smell like Hot Wheels and Barbie dolls, how do I feel about things? First - my wife has been AWESOME at this. I really have been proud of her reaction to the day and the positive attitude towards the day to come. More than I ever expected. I am SO SO proud of my little man, Dalton. He wants to please us SO bad. Some of his tactics are transparent, but SO heartbreakingly cute. He wants to keep his little sister out of trouble and will do anything he can to fix her problems. He's been no trouble at all at bathtime, bedtime, etc. They're both BIG eaters and aren't picky at all. We are so lucky in that department.
But.....more later. Daddy has to go to bed.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Eve of Everything
Here we are.
A wave of emotions has caught up with Lori and I over the last few days. We're finally at the door that we've been trying to knock on for a long while now. Tomorrow, they'll answer the door, put two perfect children in our car and give them to us. And that'll be it. Parents. It's an awesome thing to type, much less live through. Tomorrow our lives will change in amazing and wonderful ways. We've done everything we can do to think we are prepared. We know we aren't remotely prepared, but we've done what we can do. We've asked all the questions we know to ask. We know that there are a zillion that we don't know to as, but we've done what we can do. It's not nervousness - it's not fear - it's not all excitement. I think it's a mish-mash of a thousand emotions.
Fear - Are we REALLY ready for this? I think we are. But are we REALLY? I don't know. Is any parent?
Worry - What if the kids don't like it here? What if something happens to them at school or here? Will are dog accept them? Will we be able to handle them if they have a meltdown? Will I be able to if Lori has a meltdown? (LOL)
Sadness - I'm sad that the kids have to do this again. This isn't their first rodeo. It's going to be the biggest day in our lives...but probably not the kids. It's a shame. There are some rotten adults in this world. These kids deserve everything we can give them and more.
Happiness - Of course I'm over-the-moon with happiness. For the last 20 years, I've heard the same thing - "You're going to make a great father." For awhile, I didn't take it as a compliment. I have had a yearning to be a father my whole life. To make it this far without kids has been difficult. To hear others say that gets old. So, yeah. It's a big deal for me personally. It's big for Lori, too. But, this is a day she wants for me, too. She understands. My parents and her parents understand.
Hope - I hope these kids succeed. I hope they're happy here.....as happy as they can possibly be. I hope Dalton accepts all of us and accepts us as his forever parents. I hope my nephew TJ becomes the influence I think he can become for Dalton. I hope Bailey does the same. I hope she learns and grows and flourishes here. I hope she and Mackenzie get along. And I hope my niece Alysia becomes the role model I think she is. I hope these kids know that we think they're lucky to have this many people around them that love them and can't wait to meet them. It's a big world and I hope we all face it together with grace.
but most of all.....
Pride. I'm SO proud to be here tonight. I hope that feeling never leaves. I'm proud of Lori and I for doing this. We could have gone a different direction. We could have turned down two kids because of our own selfish reasons. I'm proud of how Lori has handled everything and how excited she is. It touches my heart more than she knows. When we started this, I asked her the tough questions as to why. The most important one being - Is she doing it for me or us? She's assured me it's for us and she's ready. And honestly, it took me some time to be convinced. But I am. I'm so proud. I'm proud of my in-laws. They have a tendency to look at the work things like this take to get accomplished. But, to their credit, they have been nothing but sweet, helpful, and supportive. I don't know if we'd be here without them. I am proud of my extended family. Especially my father. He's asked all the right questions and never pushed me for an answer. He's always been known as the "stoic" one of the family. But, I've seen his emotions when he found out about the kids. It's been a wonderful gift for me to watch. My mother has been great too, and I've asked a lot of her the last few weeks. My brother and sister-in-law seem to be very excited. I hope this helps us bond more. Another great moment was when my nephew TJ found out the kids were coming this weekend. He gave me a look I'd never seen. Again - it touched my heart. I'm proud of the kid's caseworkers for getting them through this rough time. They have sacrificed so much for them to come to us. It hasn't all been positive for them, but I'm proud that we're the end result for their efforts. They've all said they would adopt them if they could. And WE get to. And I'm proud of Dalton and Bailey. Nobody deserves to start their childhood the way they have. To go through it and be as smart and well-adjusted as they are....I'm SO proud. I'm proud of everybody for not failing these kids.
I am sure I'm feeling what expectant fathers feel the night before their son or daughter is born. But, they are full of wonder. What will the kids grow up to be.....I've already gotten a head start. I've been able to meet my kids. They already have opinions, quirks, habits, likes and dislikes. It's very emotional.
We're ready. Time for the world to start.
A wave of emotions has caught up with Lori and I over the last few days. We're finally at the door that we've been trying to knock on for a long while now. Tomorrow, they'll answer the door, put two perfect children in our car and give them to us. And that'll be it. Parents. It's an awesome thing to type, much less live through. Tomorrow our lives will change in amazing and wonderful ways. We've done everything we can do to think we are prepared. We know we aren't remotely prepared, but we've done what we can do. We've asked all the questions we know to ask. We know that there are a zillion that we don't know to as, but we've done what we can do. It's not nervousness - it's not fear - it's not all excitement. I think it's a mish-mash of a thousand emotions.
Fear - Are we REALLY ready for this? I think we are. But are we REALLY? I don't know. Is any parent?
Worry - What if the kids don't like it here? What if something happens to them at school or here? Will are dog accept them? Will we be able to handle them if they have a meltdown? Will I be able to if Lori has a meltdown? (LOL)
Sadness - I'm sad that the kids have to do this again. This isn't their first rodeo. It's going to be the biggest day in our lives...but probably not the kids. It's a shame. There are some rotten adults in this world. These kids deserve everything we can give them and more.
Happiness - Of course I'm over-the-moon with happiness. For the last 20 years, I've heard the same thing - "You're going to make a great father." For awhile, I didn't take it as a compliment. I have had a yearning to be a father my whole life. To make it this far without kids has been difficult. To hear others say that gets old. So, yeah. It's a big deal for me personally. It's big for Lori, too. But, this is a day she wants for me, too. She understands. My parents and her parents understand.
Hope - I hope these kids succeed. I hope they're happy here.....as happy as they can possibly be. I hope Dalton accepts all of us and accepts us as his forever parents. I hope my nephew TJ becomes the influence I think he can become for Dalton. I hope Bailey does the same. I hope she learns and grows and flourishes here. I hope she and Mackenzie get along. And I hope my niece Alysia becomes the role model I think she is. I hope these kids know that we think they're lucky to have this many people around them that love them and can't wait to meet them. It's a big world and I hope we all face it together with grace.
but most of all.....
Pride. I'm SO proud to be here tonight. I hope that feeling never leaves. I'm proud of Lori and I for doing this. We could have gone a different direction. We could have turned down two kids because of our own selfish reasons. I'm proud of how Lori has handled everything and how excited she is. It touches my heart more than she knows. When we started this, I asked her the tough questions as to why. The most important one being - Is she doing it for me or us? She's assured me it's for us and she's ready. And honestly, it took me some time to be convinced. But I am. I'm so proud. I'm proud of my in-laws. They have a tendency to look at the work things like this take to get accomplished. But, to their credit, they have been nothing but sweet, helpful, and supportive. I don't know if we'd be here without them. I am proud of my extended family. Especially my father. He's asked all the right questions and never pushed me for an answer. He's always been known as the "stoic" one of the family. But, I've seen his emotions when he found out about the kids. It's been a wonderful gift for me to watch. My mother has been great too, and I've asked a lot of her the last few weeks. My brother and sister-in-law seem to be very excited. I hope this helps us bond more. Another great moment was when my nephew TJ found out the kids were coming this weekend. He gave me a look I'd never seen. Again - it touched my heart. I'm proud of the kid's caseworkers for getting them through this rough time. They have sacrificed so much for them to come to us. It hasn't all been positive for them, but I'm proud that we're the end result for their efforts. They've all said they would adopt them if they could. And WE get to. And I'm proud of Dalton and Bailey. Nobody deserves to start their childhood the way they have. To go through it and be as smart and well-adjusted as they are....I'm SO proud. I'm proud of everybody for not failing these kids.
I am sure I'm feeling what expectant fathers feel the night before their son or daughter is born. But, they are full of wonder. What will the kids grow up to be.....I've already gotten a head start. I've been able to meet my kids. They already have opinions, quirks, habits, likes and dislikes. It's very emotional.
We're ready. Time for the world to start.
Monday, August 31, 2009
A Week Away
It's getting real.
We went Saturday and picked up the kids. Third visit. Was very excited that they were excited to see us. Big hugs and kisses. We got there at the same time as last week. This week, we decided to hit a mall. There was a Build-a-Bear and an Inflatable Wonderland. The foster mom needed us to buy a couple of shirts for Dalton. The mall was perfect.
We had a real good drive over. Turned on the kid's music station and had fun singing along to the Spiderman song, the transformers song, and Yellow Submarine. We got to the mall and the kids saw something I don't think they had ever seen before - an escalator. Watching them figure it out was fun. They had so much fun, they didn't even realize that the Inflatable Wonderland was at the bottom.
When they saw it, they FREAKED. They went hog-wild. It was pretty great for Lori and I because we could send them in to one of the inflatables and let them go for awhile. There was only one way out and in, so we knew where they were. We monitored to make sure there were no tears, blood, or fights. We saw Dalton reach a level of happy we'd never seen before. He did bellyflops, flips, slides - just had a blast. Bailey had fun, too, but she's usually happy. We expected to spend an hour or two wearing them out - turned out to only take about 40 minutes. They wanted to play on the escalators some more.
We walked through the mall and stopped at a few stores. Dalton is the fashion expert of the family. He has a good grasp on what he thinks is "cool" and "not cool." He has an eye for hats. Bailey, of course, can find the shoes in 1.2 seconds of entering a store. We made it to the food court and the worn out kids got some Chick-Fil-A nuggets down. We made our way to Sears and bought some clothes.
Lori and I have no clue about children's clothing sizes. Is a size 7 a child's small, medium, or large. What is a 5T? Toddler? Tall? So - we had to actually LOOK at the clothes to see what fit. I would hold the shirt up to Dalton's back to see if they were too long. Bailey quickly picked up on it and became the fashion coordinator. It was pretty cute and she actually helped pick out a shirt.
We could tell Bailey wasn't feeling in top shape and Dalton was pretty tired too, so we cut the trip short (no Build-a-Bear this time). A good trip back home and we were back by 1 pm. Several of the kids came out to the back porch where we were talking and we got to watch them interact with each other. It really is amazing how that family works together to get things done. I got to meet most of the girls. One of them crawled in Lori's lap and made her rock. I snapped some photos and chatted with some of the older girls about school. We stayed for about 45 mintues and figured it was time to get.
Lori and I did some shopping to complete the kids' rooms. We had a nice dinner, seeing that it was our last Saturday night as a childless couple. Spent the rest of the weekend preparing.
So.....we're down to the home stretch. All the close parties have been notified. We're thrilled that we've connected with the kids the way we have. We started working on discipline
We went Saturday and picked up the kids. Third visit. Was very excited that they were excited to see us. Big hugs and kisses. We got there at the same time as last week. This week, we decided to hit a mall. There was a Build-a-Bear and an Inflatable Wonderland. The foster mom needed us to buy a couple of shirts for Dalton. The mall was perfect.
We had a real good drive over. Turned on the kid's music station and had fun singing along to the Spiderman song, the transformers song, and Yellow Submarine. We got to the mall and the kids saw something I don't think they had ever seen before - an escalator. Watching them figure it out was fun. They had so much fun, they didn't even realize that the Inflatable Wonderland was at the bottom.
When they saw it, they FREAKED. They went hog-wild. It was pretty great for Lori and I because we could send them in to one of the inflatables and let them go for awhile. There was only one way out and in, so we knew where they were. We monitored to make sure there were no tears, blood, or fights. We saw Dalton reach a level of happy we'd never seen before. He did bellyflops, flips, slides - just had a blast. Bailey had fun, too, but she's usually happy. We expected to spend an hour or two wearing them out - turned out to only take about 40 minutes. They wanted to play on the escalators some more.
We walked through the mall and stopped at a few stores. Dalton is the fashion expert of the family. He has a good grasp on what he thinks is "cool" and "not cool." He has an eye for hats. Bailey, of course, can find the shoes in 1.2 seconds of entering a store. We made it to the food court and the worn out kids got some Chick-Fil-A nuggets down. We made our way to Sears and bought some clothes.
Lori and I have no clue about children's clothing sizes. Is a size 7 a child's small, medium, or large. What is a 5T? Toddler? Tall? So - we had to actually LOOK at the clothes to see what fit. I would hold the shirt up to Dalton's back to see if they were too long. Bailey quickly picked up on it and became the fashion coordinator. It was pretty cute and she actually helped pick out a shirt.
We could tell Bailey wasn't feeling in top shape and Dalton was pretty tired too, so we cut the trip short (no Build-a-Bear this time). A good trip back home and we were back by 1 pm. Several of the kids came out to the back porch where we were talking and we got to watch them interact with each other. It really is amazing how that family works together to get things done. I got to meet most of the girls. One of them crawled in Lori's lap and made her rock. I snapped some photos and chatted with some of the older girls about school. We stayed for about 45 mintues and figured it was time to get.
Lori and I did some shopping to complete the kids' rooms. We had a nice dinner, seeing that it was our last Saturday night as a childless couple. Spent the rest of the weekend preparing.
So.....we're down to the home stretch. All the close parties have been notified. We're thrilled that we've connected with the kids the way we have. We started working on discipline
Monday, August 24, 2009
Another big day
I sent Preston an e-mail last night about our weekend. I also requested an update on the status of them staying permanently.
I got my answer.
If we choose, when the kids come for an overnight over the labor day weekend, they can just stay. Wow. In less than two weeks, our long journey to be parents will begin (like it hasn't already). It's a little overwhelming. So much to do - so little time.
Lori and I talked about it tonight in our nightly walk and the talk took some turns that I still don't like. We're having trouble on what's best for the kids. Lori thinks I want to parade them around as little trophies in front of every living soul. I think she wants to lock them in their rooms and keep them a secret from the world. Both are exaggerations, but that's the basics. Both of us think the other's idea is super tramatic for the kids. I just want them to be normal kids. When we walk down the street, I want the "Who do you have there with you?" questions to be over as soon as possible. I just want to be identified as a family. Lori doesn't want anybody in our business. It's nobody's business who the kids are or how we got them.
I don't know. I know the kids will answer these questions for us when they get here. Most of our worry will disappear once they are here. We both agree that we just want these kids to be as happy as possible and we don't want to fail them. Who knew that when we started this, breaking the news to our families would be the most difficult part? It really has been. My parents and her parents are upset that they can't talk about things. They want to brag on their grandchildren like they were just born. I know we're protecting the kids. I know we're protecting us. But we're also protecting them. I don't want them to say something that would hurt the kids. I don't want them to be hurt if something happens and we don't get them.
But....to say we aren't over-the-moon excited about the news we got tonight would be silly. Of course we are. It means the kids can be enrolled in school the Tuesday after Labor Day. Lori is home so she'll have time to set things up. I'll take a day or two off to help I'm sure. But wow. It's really here. This is really going to happen. There's always a chance the court could swoop in and change things, but right now, even the pessimist in me doesn't see that happening. We read the case.
So much to do. So little time.
I got my answer.
If we choose, when the kids come for an overnight over the labor day weekend, they can just stay. Wow. In less than two weeks, our long journey to be parents will begin (like it hasn't already). It's a little overwhelming. So much to do - so little time.
Lori and I talked about it tonight in our nightly walk and the talk took some turns that I still don't like. We're having trouble on what's best for the kids. Lori thinks I want to parade them around as little trophies in front of every living soul. I think she wants to lock them in their rooms and keep them a secret from the world. Both are exaggerations, but that's the basics. Both of us think the other's idea is super tramatic for the kids. I just want them to be normal kids. When we walk down the street, I want the "Who do you have there with you?" questions to be over as soon as possible. I just want to be identified as a family. Lori doesn't want anybody in our business. It's nobody's business who the kids are or how we got them.
I don't know. I know the kids will answer these questions for us when they get here. Most of our worry will disappear once they are here. We both agree that we just want these kids to be as happy as possible and we don't want to fail them. Who knew that when we started this, breaking the news to our families would be the most difficult part? It really has been. My parents and her parents are upset that they can't talk about things. They want to brag on their grandchildren like they were just born. I know we're protecting the kids. I know we're protecting us. But we're also protecting them. I don't want them to say something that would hurt the kids. I don't want them to be hurt if something happens and we don't get them.
But....to say we aren't over-the-moon excited about the news we got tonight would be silly. Of course we are. It means the kids can be enrolled in school the Tuesday after Labor Day. Lori is home so she'll have time to set things up. I'll take a day or two off to help I'm sure. But wow. It's really here. This is really going to happen. There's always a chance the court could swoop in and change things, but right now, even the pessimist in me doesn't see that happening. We read the case.
So much to do. So little time.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Dalton and Bailey - Day 2
We drove out to Elgin and picked up Dalton and Bailey yesterday. We weren't nervous like the last time. The closer we got, the more excited we got. We had big plans in our head and hoped that everything went well. We had chatted with the foster mom the night before and she gave me ten years of information in thirty minutes. We called Nicole and she offered to meet us in Austin.
One thing about Dalton - he's obsessed. When he found out we were coming on Saturday, he was dressed and ready to go by 7:00 am (we got there at 9:00). He asked his foster mom a hundred times if we were coming. When we pulled up into the driveway, he ran to the back porch, waved quickly and then ran back inside to get his sister. She wasn't quite ready, so he asked me a hundred times if he could go get in the car. He's worried about whatever the "next big thing" is. Once we were in the car, he wanted to know where we were going. Once he knew that, he worried aobut when we would get there. It was very manageable. It's just who he is today.
Bailey: She wasn't quite ready when we got there. The most impressive thing I saw all day was how this foster family worked together to get things done. Two brothers helped get her things together. One sister started combing her hair while the other looked for barets. Bailey stood still the whole time and let them dote on her. One of the sisters was about 10 and if I could have taken her right then and there, I would have. All of them actually.
This foster-home was amazing. The foster dad was pretty laid back and proud of his spread out there. Five acres with a pool and tons of play equipment. I huge six bedroom house with two gigantic living areas, enough books in the bookcase to be considered a library, one of those kitchen tables that seats 20. The foster mom is the epi-center. She is a ball of energy and her brain goes ten different ways the entire time she is talking. She's fostered over 200 kinds, adopted 15, and I think she has 3 of her own. Forget war heroes - give this lady (and man) a medal!
We picked up Dalton and Bailey and headed about 20 miles in to Austin to the Austin Children's Museum. They had just been to the circus the day before and we didn't want to "compete" with that. We just wanted to take them to a place that was safe for both them and us. If they broke something there, I'm sure the people at the museum wouldn't freak out. We knew we could handle it. We just wanted to make it as easy on us as we could. Nicole, their CASA worker, drove up from Ft. Hood and met us there. I was pretty happy about that. It did change the "tone" of the day. Instead of a intense day of on-the-job-parenting, it became another "job-interview" type thing, knowing that she was watching and documenting. But, in reality, it didn't really turn out like that at all. Nicole trust us already I think. I really think she wanted to make sure we knew what we're getting into and help give us some pointers on how to control the kids.
When we first got to the museum, the kids went nuts. No problem - there weren't many people there and it was fine. I wanted to corral Bailey and have Lori spend some time with Dalton, but the truth is, Dalton is fast and all boy. He was climbing stairs and it was just easier for me to keep up with him. Bailey spent a long time at the "store" serving food and taking orders. Dalton didn't stay on anything more than a few minutes before he was off to the next big thing.
It was an hour or so before Nicole got there. I hadn't told the kids, so I told Dalton that we needed to go to the front to meet a guest that was coming to see us. Of course, he obsessed on who it could be. I wasn't thinking and asked "Who do you want it to be?" Dalton responded, "My birth-mom." It was touching, it was sweet, but mostly it made me sad that I walked in to that moment. I quickly said "Who ELSE could it be?" I answered the question for him before he had a chance to answer something else I wasn't prepared for. He and Bailey were VERY excited to see Nicole. She's as close of a thing to a consistent positive female role model that they've ever had. They've had lots of positive male and females come in and out of their lives, but never for very long. Nicole has helped since day one. We were appreciatve she was there for that fact alone.
We went upstairs to a place called "Tinkers Workshop". It was a little disappointing because there were tons of peieces that were missing and broken. We had looked when we first got there, but quickly went on to bigger and better things. This time though, we made it work.
There was a table with a bunch of art supplies - egg cartons, construction paper, pipe cleaners, yogurt containers, stickers - an child artist dream. We got the kids to sit down and had, what for me was the best hour as a parent I've had to this point (granted - that's just a total of about 6 hours now). Bailey drew a picture of Lori and Nicole and made a stick figure of herself out of a popcycle stick. Dalton and I made an alien out of a toilet paper roll, pipe cleaners and whatever else we could get our hands on. I actually "helped" and made suggestions. I saw how he could focus and keep his attention on a project. We became the "Scotch Tape Kings" and made the best looking pipe cleaner alien the world has ever seen. Before he could run off, I suggested we try something else. He saw another project hanging from the ceiling and wanted to make an airplane. We snapped into action looking for supplies. We made it out of a water bottle, egg carton, pipe cleaners, and Dalton searched and searched and found a cardboard box to cut wings out. It wasn't the most aerodynamic of airplanes, but in making that airplane, we all saw the potential we had as a family. Especially Nicole I think. I think she saw the kids be happy kids and that's probably been a rare thing. There was no worry on the face of Dalton for the hour or so we did that. Bailey had two women there cheering on her every move and she ate it up like a ballerina trying to get applause. It was amazing.
We left the museum after a few hours and decided to take Nicole and the kids to eat. We didn't want to seem like lost puppies, so I drove to an area of town I was familiar with. We settled on Canolli Joes - an itialian buffet place. It was a little expensive, but totally worth it. The kids were a little over-stimulated, so we needed some space to spread out. I was proud of the kids. We are going to have our hands full with Bailey and her "inside voice". Dalton finished his meal in seconds and obsessed over dessert. We already have a well established rule after two meals now that nobody gets up until everyone is through with their meal. Once he has a rule, I think he's fine. He just needs to know what the rules are.
I'm still in shock and awe in amazement at how smart these kids are. Part of it is me being a proud parent - sure. But, Bailey is five and can spell. She was doing "Word Finds" in the car (where you circle the letters of words hidden in the puzzle). When I was five, I wouldn't have had a CLUE what that was. We played "what starts with the letter....." game most of the day. Dalton is bored stiff with that game. Dalton, I think, could play that game on a college level. "What does psychology start with? What does xylophone start with?" I'm almost certain he'd know. I watched him read AND COMPREHEND things that he was reading all day long. I watched him get to a word he didn't know and work it out until he figured out what it could have been in the context of the sentence. Not once, not twice - all day long. I helped him a couple of times. He wanted to know what we needed to "Call the Manager for Details" was about? What details? Who has parties and has to call a manager?
We took Nicole back to her car and then drove the kids home. That was the most difficult part. We happened to be in Austin on the weekend before college classes start and we got stuck in a traffic jam to end all traffic jams. We passed by the Texas Museum and there is a giant metal star out front. Bailey didn't get to see it and had a melt-down and wanted us to turn around. We got our first taste of how long she can drag out a whiney meltdown. Lori had her first "mommy-moment" where she started to loose patience and since we were stuck in the car, we weren't sure how to handle it (no time-out?). We dealt with it though. One thing we learned quickly - we can never promise something and think they'll forget about it. They have memories like steel traps. "You said we could get a toy at the end! You said we could go back and slide down the slide before we left!" "You said we could see the big star!" I'm going to shut my mouth more often I think.
Overall - it was a huge success. We tackled the Children's Museum with two rambunctious kids and came out without any injuries. I have to say - last week, Bailey was a little angel, sitting and coloring and not a handful at all. Last week, Dalton ran us around and was a potential handful to keep calm. This week? It was a complete 180. Dalton was nothing but an angel all day. Lori and I have had "expectations" that everybody has helped set up. He has a hard time listening I think, but given the attention, he is quite helpful. It's just going to take constant attention for awhile before he can do it on his own. He helped us with Bailey, shared his pencils when she dropped hers in the car, pointed things out to her, tried to help us when she had her meltdown (and was much more patient that a six year old older brother has a right to be). He was a joy. Bailey? She's going to test our limits as much as she can. She does something wrong and when we scold her, she does it one more time to see what we'll do. We noticed it right away. Lori asked for assistance from Nicole once in the Museum to see how Nicole handled it. I think that helped. Lori got a little emotional in the car once we left....but quickly got over it and we were able to talk about the details of the day.
Things like Bailey asking "Why did Jesus make scorpions? They sting." Dalton staring out the window of the car, trying to find the Super-Drum and finding it every time - a sense of direction I don't have. We think we'll get to see the kids next weekend. We're not sure where we will take them. They both start school on Monday so we hope we have some things to talk about. I can't wait.
One last thing - after we were finished, we decided to stop by Ikea and buy Dalton his bed to start setting up his room. We debated about it quite some time - it was tax-free weekend on the weekend before school starting after all. But, since we were there, we decided to brave it. Found a really neat bed and it was pretty cheap, too. We were walking out and the coincidence of all coincidences happened - something that freaked Lori and I out more than a little bit. We ran into Preston, the kids case worker. Two minutes earlier or later and we would have missed him. He lives 50 miles from Ikea and we live 50 miles away in a different direction. What are the odds of that? How does that happen? He said he had already gotten a text message from Nicole about how great the day went and we sat and chatted for awhile in the 100 degree heat. I think we were all a little amazed at the small world. We needed to talk to him about it. Simply amazing. Another sign from somewhere (God, karma, whatever) that this is what should be happening right now at this moment with these kids, these case workers, and us.
One thing about Dalton - he's obsessed. When he found out we were coming on Saturday, he was dressed and ready to go by 7:00 am (we got there at 9:00). He asked his foster mom a hundred times if we were coming. When we pulled up into the driveway, he ran to the back porch, waved quickly and then ran back inside to get his sister. She wasn't quite ready, so he asked me a hundred times if he could go get in the car. He's worried about whatever the "next big thing" is. Once we were in the car, he wanted to know where we were going. Once he knew that, he worried aobut when we would get there. It was very manageable. It's just who he is today.
Bailey: She wasn't quite ready when we got there. The most impressive thing I saw all day was how this foster family worked together to get things done. Two brothers helped get her things together. One sister started combing her hair while the other looked for barets. Bailey stood still the whole time and let them dote on her. One of the sisters was about 10 and if I could have taken her right then and there, I would have. All of them actually.
This foster-home was amazing. The foster dad was pretty laid back and proud of his spread out there. Five acres with a pool and tons of play equipment. I huge six bedroom house with two gigantic living areas, enough books in the bookcase to be considered a library, one of those kitchen tables that seats 20. The foster mom is the epi-center. She is a ball of energy and her brain goes ten different ways the entire time she is talking. She's fostered over 200 kinds, adopted 15, and I think she has 3 of her own. Forget war heroes - give this lady (and man) a medal!
We picked up Dalton and Bailey and headed about 20 miles in to Austin to the Austin Children's Museum. They had just been to the circus the day before and we didn't want to "compete" with that. We just wanted to take them to a place that was safe for both them and us. If they broke something there, I'm sure the people at the museum wouldn't freak out. We knew we could handle it. We just wanted to make it as easy on us as we could. Nicole, their CASA worker, drove up from Ft. Hood and met us there. I was pretty happy about that. It did change the "tone" of the day. Instead of a intense day of on-the-job-parenting, it became another "job-interview" type thing, knowing that she was watching and documenting. But, in reality, it didn't really turn out like that at all. Nicole trust us already I think. I really think she wanted to make sure we knew what we're getting into and help give us some pointers on how to control the kids.
When we first got to the museum, the kids went nuts. No problem - there weren't many people there and it was fine. I wanted to corral Bailey and have Lori spend some time with Dalton, but the truth is, Dalton is fast and all boy. He was climbing stairs and it was just easier for me to keep up with him. Bailey spent a long time at the "store" serving food and taking orders. Dalton didn't stay on anything more than a few minutes before he was off to the next big thing.
It was an hour or so before Nicole got there. I hadn't told the kids, so I told Dalton that we needed to go to the front to meet a guest that was coming to see us. Of course, he obsessed on who it could be. I wasn't thinking and asked "Who do you want it to be?" Dalton responded, "My birth-mom." It was touching, it was sweet, but mostly it made me sad that I walked in to that moment. I quickly said "Who ELSE could it be?" I answered the question for him before he had a chance to answer something else I wasn't prepared for. He and Bailey were VERY excited to see Nicole. She's as close of a thing to a consistent positive female role model that they've ever had. They've had lots of positive male and females come in and out of their lives, but never for very long. Nicole has helped since day one. We were appreciatve she was there for that fact alone.
We went upstairs to a place called "Tinkers Workshop". It was a little disappointing because there were tons of peieces that were missing and broken. We had looked when we first got there, but quickly went on to bigger and better things. This time though, we made it work.
There was a table with a bunch of art supplies - egg cartons, construction paper, pipe cleaners, yogurt containers, stickers - an child artist dream. We got the kids to sit down and had, what for me was the best hour as a parent I've had to this point (granted - that's just a total of about 6 hours now). Bailey drew a picture of Lori and Nicole and made a stick figure of herself out of a popcycle stick. Dalton and I made an alien out of a toilet paper roll, pipe cleaners and whatever else we could get our hands on. I actually "helped" and made suggestions. I saw how he could focus and keep his attention on a project. We became the "Scotch Tape Kings" and made the best looking pipe cleaner alien the world has ever seen. Before he could run off, I suggested we try something else. He saw another project hanging from the ceiling and wanted to make an airplane. We snapped into action looking for supplies. We made it out of a water bottle, egg carton, pipe cleaners, and Dalton searched and searched and found a cardboard box to cut wings out. It wasn't the most aerodynamic of airplanes, but in making that airplane, we all saw the potential we had as a family. Especially Nicole I think. I think she saw the kids be happy kids and that's probably been a rare thing. There was no worry on the face of Dalton for the hour or so we did that. Bailey had two women there cheering on her every move and she ate it up like a ballerina trying to get applause. It was amazing.
We left the museum after a few hours and decided to take Nicole and the kids to eat. We didn't want to seem like lost puppies, so I drove to an area of town I was familiar with. We settled on Canolli Joes - an itialian buffet place. It was a little expensive, but totally worth it. The kids were a little over-stimulated, so we needed some space to spread out. I was proud of the kids. We are going to have our hands full with Bailey and her "inside voice". Dalton finished his meal in seconds and obsessed over dessert. We already have a well established rule after two meals now that nobody gets up until everyone is through with their meal. Once he has a rule, I think he's fine. He just needs to know what the rules are.
I'm still in shock and awe in amazement at how smart these kids are. Part of it is me being a proud parent - sure. But, Bailey is five and can spell. She was doing "Word Finds" in the car (where you circle the letters of words hidden in the puzzle). When I was five, I wouldn't have had a CLUE what that was. We played "what starts with the letter....." game most of the day. Dalton is bored stiff with that game. Dalton, I think, could play that game on a college level. "What does psychology start with? What does xylophone start with?" I'm almost certain he'd know. I watched him read AND COMPREHEND things that he was reading all day long. I watched him get to a word he didn't know and work it out until he figured out what it could have been in the context of the sentence. Not once, not twice - all day long. I helped him a couple of times. He wanted to know what we needed to "Call the Manager for Details" was about? What details? Who has parties and has to call a manager?
We took Nicole back to her car and then drove the kids home. That was the most difficult part. We happened to be in Austin on the weekend before college classes start and we got stuck in a traffic jam to end all traffic jams. We passed by the Texas Museum and there is a giant metal star out front. Bailey didn't get to see it and had a melt-down and wanted us to turn around. We got our first taste of how long she can drag out a whiney meltdown. Lori had her first "mommy-moment" where she started to loose patience and since we were stuck in the car, we weren't sure how to handle it (no time-out?). We dealt with it though. One thing we learned quickly - we can never promise something and think they'll forget about it. They have memories like steel traps. "You said we could get a toy at the end! You said we could go back and slide down the slide before we left!" "You said we could see the big star!" I'm going to shut my mouth more often I think.
Overall - it was a huge success. We tackled the Children's Museum with two rambunctious kids and came out without any injuries. I have to say - last week, Bailey was a little angel, sitting and coloring and not a handful at all. Last week, Dalton ran us around and was a potential handful to keep calm. This week? It was a complete 180. Dalton was nothing but an angel all day. Lori and I have had "expectations" that everybody has helped set up. He has a hard time listening I think, but given the attention, he is quite helpful. It's just going to take constant attention for awhile before he can do it on his own. He helped us with Bailey, shared his pencils when she dropped hers in the car, pointed things out to her, tried to help us when she had her meltdown (and was much more patient that a six year old older brother has a right to be). He was a joy. Bailey? She's going to test our limits as much as she can. She does something wrong and when we scold her, she does it one more time to see what we'll do. We noticed it right away. Lori asked for assistance from Nicole once in the Museum to see how Nicole handled it. I think that helped. Lori got a little emotional in the car once we left....but quickly got over it and we were able to talk about the details of the day.
Things like Bailey asking "Why did Jesus make scorpions? They sting." Dalton staring out the window of the car, trying to find the Super-Drum and finding it every time - a sense of direction I don't have. We think we'll get to see the kids next weekend. We're not sure where we will take them. They both start school on Monday so we hope we have some things to talk about. I can't wait.
One last thing - after we were finished, we decided to stop by Ikea and buy Dalton his bed to start setting up his room. We debated about it quite some time - it was tax-free weekend on the weekend before school starting after all. But, since we were there, we decided to brave it. Found a really neat bed and it was pretty cheap, too. We were walking out and the coincidence of all coincidences happened - something that freaked Lori and I out more than a little bit. We ran into Preston, the kids case worker. Two minutes earlier or later and we would have missed him. He lives 50 miles from Ikea and we live 50 miles away in a different direction. What are the odds of that? How does that happen? He said he had already gotten a text message from Nicole about how great the day went and we sat and chatted for awhile in the 100 degree heat. I think we were all a little amazed at the small world. We needed to talk to him about it. Simply amazing. Another sign from somewhere (God, karma, whatever) that this is what should be happening right now at this moment with these kids, these case workers, and us.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Waiting to see our kids again
It's a quiet Thursday night and there isn't much going on.
Still basking in the afterglow of meeting Dalton and Bailey. It's been an eventful week - both on the good side and the bad. It's hard keeping this news quiet. I'm a proud parent already, the damn has burst. It's like trying to hold back the flood waters. We told Lori's parents on Sunday and my parents on Monday. They both were extremely excited. However, I'm not sure they completely understand this. I agreed to tell my aunt in Rochester, New York, basically so my mother could have someone to talk to about it. She wants me to tell the pastor at church, who was one of our references. After I told my aunt, my wife gave me a stern talking to about reigning in information. They aren't our kids to talk about yet. Nobody needs to know some of the info. We have to protect the kids. I called my mom and told her to watch what she says....we're going to take things slow from here.
So....last night, while we had a CPS meeting with the CASA worker, my mother called my cellphone twice and the house once. When we got out of the meeting, they didn't answer. I assumed that something bad had happened. There was a message on one phone that they were at the church and "just wanted to say hello." So, we went to say hello...knowing it was something more. My mother was wanting us to announce to a roomful of people our news. We were both a little taken aback by it. I think my mom's feelings are hurt, but I have to look at the big picture. Everybody will know soon enough that we have kids. It really won't matter when everybody is told if this all works out. It is hard enough getting myself to limit my talk about them.
On Tuesday, we got a call from the kid's CASA worker, Nicole. Dalton and Bailey had spoken of her and it sounded like Nicole was someone they loved. Preston spoke good about her as well. It sounds like Nicole and Preston have been to hell and back over these kids, trying to keep the mom above water. She came across on the phone to Lori as "professional." We weren't too sure she was totally going to be on our side. She wanted to come out and see our house on Wednesday night. Something we very much wanted to happen.
Wednesday she showed up and we got a weird vibe from her at the beginning. I'm sure she has had to fight many battles at the door for these kids and many others. She took some photos of our house for Preston. Then she asked the question I'm sure had been weighing on her mind for some time - "Will I be able to continue to be in the children's lives if you adopt them?" OF COURSE! Dalton and Bailey love her. We want any positive influence on them to continue as long as possible. After that was cleared up, Lori and I got a totally different vibe. We sat and talked for about an hour about how great these two kids are. Preston and Nicole both said they would adopt these kids if they possibly could. She seemed to really like us and we really like her. I told her we feel like we are adopting her and we'd set up a bed for her whenever she wanted to come over. I think it was a roaring success for us and for Nicole. At least I hope so. I hope she will be a valuable source of information and support in the near and distant future. I think she will.
Now, we try to set up Saturday. It's been tough on me this week. I'm really missing my little boy and girl. Lori seems to be holding together well....but I'm sure she has her moments too. We are playing it loose this weekend, but if it works out, I think we're going to try to take Dalton and Bailey to the Children's Museum of Austin. Looks like a fun place. Lori and I need to see how we can handle a couple of kids in a kid-friendly public place on our own. I hope it works out. If not, we'll have to have some backup plans....I know pizza is in our future...possibly a Chuck E. Cheese. We'll see.
Other good news - Carey came by Monday for her quarterly visit. It went well and we basically oogled and oogled Dalton and Bailey and how great they were. I did find out that there were a couple of financial items that I breezed over in class. Since I thought we were always just going to get one child, I didn't pay attention to the "two child" plan. Since we're getting two, we get more money to foster. Also, we could get adoption subsidies for both kids until they are eighteen. That's a ton of money. AND - if they go to a state school, their tuition will be paid for! How's that for good news?
I also found out that the time table may not be as long as I thought for them to come and stay with us permanently. After September 5th, it could take a couple of weeks. That's exciting. We've started letting ourselves dream about Halloween, school, football games, trips to the park.....it's all very exciting. I hope I can hold on to this excited feeling forever. It's made my days at work go by so much smoother - even on the really crappy days.
Still basking in the afterglow of meeting Dalton and Bailey. It's been an eventful week - both on the good side and the bad. It's hard keeping this news quiet. I'm a proud parent already, the damn has burst. It's like trying to hold back the flood waters. We told Lori's parents on Sunday and my parents on Monday. They both were extremely excited. However, I'm not sure they completely understand this. I agreed to tell my aunt in Rochester, New York, basically so my mother could have someone to talk to about it. She wants me to tell the pastor at church, who was one of our references. After I told my aunt, my wife gave me a stern talking to about reigning in information. They aren't our kids to talk about yet. Nobody needs to know some of the info. We have to protect the kids. I called my mom and told her to watch what she says....we're going to take things slow from here.
So....last night, while we had a CPS meeting with the CASA worker, my mother called my cellphone twice and the house once. When we got out of the meeting, they didn't answer. I assumed that something bad had happened. There was a message on one phone that they were at the church and "just wanted to say hello." So, we went to say hello...knowing it was something more. My mother was wanting us to announce to a roomful of people our news. We were both a little taken aback by it. I think my mom's feelings are hurt, but I have to look at the big picture. Everybody will know soon enough that we have kids. It really won't matter when everybody is told if this all works out. It is hard enough getting myself to limit my talk about them.
On Tuesday, we got a call from the kid's CASA worker, Nicole. Dalton and Bailey had spoken of her and it sounded like Nicole was someone they loved. Preston spoke good about her as well. It sounds like Nicole and Preston have been to hell and back over these kids, trying to keep the mom above water. She came across on the phone to Lori as "professional." We weren't too sure she was totally going to be on our side. She wanted to come out and see our house on Wednesday night. Something we very much wanted to happen.
Wednesday she showed up and we got a weird vibe from her at the beginning. I'm sure she has had to fight many battles at the door for these kids and many others. She took some photos of our house for Preston. Then she asked the question I'm sure had been weighing on her mind for some time - "Will I be able to continue to be in the children's lives if you adopt them?" OF COURSE! Dalton and Bailey love her. We want any positive influence on them to continue as long as possible. After that was cleared up, Lori and I got a totally different vibe. We sat and talked for about an hour about how great these two kids are. Preston and Nicole both said they would adopt these kids if they possibly could. She seemed to really like us and we really like her. I told her we feel like we are adopting her and we'd set up a bed for her whenever she wanted to come over. I think it was a roaring success for us and for Nicole. At least I hope so. I hope she will be a valuable source of information and support in the near and distant future. I think she will.
Now, we try to set up Saturday. It's been tough on me this week. I'm really missing my little boy and girl. Lori seems to be holding together well....but I'm sure she has her moments too. We are playing it loose this weekend, but if it works out, I think we're going to try to take Dalton and Bailey to the Children's Museum of Austin. Looks like a fun place. Lori and I need to see how we can handle a couple of kids in a kid-friendly public place on our own. I hope it works out. If not, we'll have to have some backup plans....I know pizza is in our future...possibly a Chuck E. Cheese. We'll see.
Other good news - Carey came by Monday for her quarterly visit. It went well and we basically oogled and oogled Dalton and Bailey and how great they were. I did find out that there were a couple of financial items that I breezed over in class. Since I thought we were always just going to get one child, I didn't pay attention to the "two child" plan. Since we're getting two, we get more money to foster. Also, we could get adoption subsidies for both kids until they are eighteen. That's a ton of money. AND - if they go to a state school, their tuition will be paid for! How's that for good news?
I also found out that the time table may not be as long as I thought for them to come and stay with us permanently. After September 5th, it could take a couple of weeks. That's exciting. We've started letting ourselves dream about Halloween, school, football games, trips to the park.....it's all very exciting. I hope I can hold on to this excited feeling forever. It's made my days at work go by so much smoother - even on the really crappy days.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
What An AMAZING Day
Today I met my son and daughter.
How many parents get to say that? And it was everything that you imagine it would be like. Amazing. Unreal. Emotional. FUN. Overwhelming. and about a thousand other adjectives that I can find the words for. The powers that be will tell you that I am jumping the gun. But you try to take these kids away from me and see what happens! If something happens and I'm not allowed to keep these two kids, you better have proof that they are going to a better home than mine to get the love they need. I'm certain one doesn't exist. It's everything I could have asked for and more.
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink. I went to bed at 9:30 and thought I got a good nights sleep. I rolled over and looked at the clock and it was midnight. For the next six hours, I tossed and turned the whole time. I finally forced myself out of bed at 6 so I could calm my nerves and not wake Lori. I had a peaceful morning, imagining the morning that was to come. We left at 8:30 in pretty good shape. Both of us nervous, but able to keep it together.
We got to the McDonalds in Taylor and called the caseworker. He was just leaving Elgin with the kids and would be another 20 minutes. We sat quietly in a big booth, trying not to freak out too much. Every open door was them. At one point, a man walked in with two blonde children....but he was holding another baby. He smiled as he walked passed us to the counter. My wife told me to quit staring, but I thought that might be them. He walked passed us and paused for a second, enough for Lori to start standing and saying hello.....then he walked right on passed to his table. We both shared a nervous giggle. After that, I started spying on the parking lot.
Minutes later, I saw another car pull up with three kids in it. This time I was certain. Preston, the kids' caseworker, had brought his own six year old son along.
Meeting Dalton and Bailey for the first time was unreal and life-changing. They had already been told our names and why we wanted to meet them. They were eager to meet us, but then quickly shifted their attention to the play-area outside. We picked up and moved to some tables outside. The first 15 minutes was a blur of activitiy. Handshakes and hellos with Preston through laughter and chasing the kids. We snapped a few quick photos in front of Ronald McDonald to make sure we didn't forget later. A giant game of "you can't catch me" ensued.....and they were right....I couldn't.
After the first round of slides and tunnels, they came over to the table and discovered the blue and pink bag we had prepared the previous day. We knew Dalton liked Star Wars and got him a coloring book with stickers. We got him a transformer car/robot, a Matchbox car, and a notebook to draw in. The transformer car was a hit. Bailey got a little "Petshop" cat, a couple of pony dolls, a My Little Pony coloring book, and a notebook. It was ALL a hit with her.
Bailey - We equally bonded with both kids I think. But what a charmer this little girl is! Cute round faces with the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen. And she is as fiercely independent as any woman. She wanted to order her own food, fill her own cup, get her own katsup, get her own napkins. Nobody waits on this girl! When we asked her if she wanted a cheeseburger or chicken nuggets, her answer was "Both." When we asked her what she wanted to drink, "All of it. A little coke, sprite, dr. pepper, Mr. Pibb all mixed up together" My favorite response came when she was asked what her favorite color was - "I like pink and red and all of them." She doesn't have time to pick a favorite when she can have them ALL.
Dalton - We took plenty of pictures....but it seemed like every time I tried to snap one of Dalton, he was running away from me to the next adventure. He is very intense and you could tell he has carried a lot of the worry for him and his sister. He worried that he's lost something or forgotten something. But, when he isn't worried, he's funny. And - I have to say, I don't know of a six year old that can read as well as he can. He was reading the menu, the play-set rules, etc. just like he was having a conversation. I'm not sure >>I<< read as well as he does. He had the caseworker's son there to play with him and we continued our game of "can't catch me" throughout the morning. We ran the cars down the slides, or "ramps" to watch them jump. Highly entertaining.
The two hours went by in no time. By the end, we were sure. We hope and pray that Preston is sure. We hope and pray even harder that Dalton and Bailey are sure. Lori was a little nervous about taking on two kids. Once we read their psyc. evaluations, she felt a little better about things but still had that concern that the kids and us wouldn't connect. We gave each other the "....and that's o.k" speech on the way in, giving ourselves an excuse if things didn't work out....
But did they ever work out. I'm not supposed to say it....I'm not supposed to even think it.....Lori is avoiding it......but these are MY kids now. If you are going to take them away from me, I need to know that the situation they are going ot is better than what Lori and I have to offer. I will fight for these kids at this point. We're confident that Preston was comfortable with us. We hope he liked us as much as we love the kids. He's been with them since day one. He knows these kids better than their own parents. He wants to see them go to the right family. We hope that's us.
We expect to get a call from the foster mother so we can come visit them next week. We want to bring them some clothes for school. We'll get to take them out to eat and play a little bit. Then, on September 5th, they're coming here to spend the night. I'm excited about that. After that......we're back to the great unknown. School is a factor. I'm ready today, but I know that these kids have been moved around more than any kid deserves to. I don't blame anyone for taking their time at this point. They're in a good place right now. There is too many kids there....but they're in a good place.
Overall, it has just been an amazing day. It has been THE best day of my life. I miss my kids today. I'm a little sad about that. But I'm thrilled that I have the opportunity to be sad about that. Soon, they'll be here all the time. I have to put all my hope into that.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Eve of the first big day
Time for a nervous ramble.
It seems like I always get the urge to write on a quiet Friday night. We've gone through the motions today. Luckily, it was a horrible day at the office, so I was able to keep my mind on work instead of watching the clock and waiting for 10 am on Saturday to roll around. It was hard not talking about it. All I want to do is talk about it. But, it's so complex. Things change so rapidly, any news I tell anyone would get confusing. It's better to just wait until there is something real to tell. People treat the news like we're pregnant and about to have a baby. They don't see the struggle these kids have had and understand the slow process this must become so they don't feel like they are just moving in and out of every home they've ever been in.
All the emotion that I've held in check is right there on the surface today. No matter what I try to think about, Dalton and Bailey keep popping in. I'm excited, but nervous, about tomorrow because it IS a big day, no matter how much we downplay it. How many parents get this opportunity to introduce themselves to their own children? I hope they aren't scared or intimidated by us. I don't think they will be. I'm almost certain they won't. But we don't know. It sure would make things easier on us for the next two weeks if we knew the kids were eager to see us again the next time. If not, we'll keep moving forward. And if so, every day after will be a lot brighter as we move forward.
We started this thinking we were doing something noble. We were going to "save" one of these kids from abuse and neglect. We said we'd take two kids, but never thought the possibility would come up. We said "in the right situation." Turns out, we're not sure there was ever a wrong situation. But this does feel like the right situation.
So....this is like Christmas eve. Except I already know what we're getting for Christmas. What greater gift could there be in the universe? Lori and I are both a little scared that we're going to be bawling for the first thirty minutes. I'm going to do my best not to. I'm not sure how I'm ever going to get to sleep tonight? It's like standing on a cliff looking out on the great unknown.
I have so much stuff I want to ask these kids. I want them to have so much fun. Part of me hopes they've already had a lot of fun. But, another part wants to help them experience some of the things that I had such a good time doing as a kid. Can they swim? Do they like animals? The zoo? I'm sure they are too young for roller coasters, but I hope they're willing. Do they know who Shamu is? If not, we're going to HAVE to figure that one out quickly. What kind of food do they like? Pizza? Spaghetti? Hamburgers? Vegetables? Are they picky eaters? What movies have they seen? Cars? Up!? Wall-E? The muppets? What TV do they like to watch? Spongebob? iCarley? Looney Tunes? 60 Minutes? Can they ride a bike? Do I get to teach that to them? Do they like to play sports? Do they want to play sports? Do they want to be in cub scouts or girl scouts? Will Lori even want to do that? Does Bailey want to be a cheerleader? Dance? Gymnastics? What kind of toys do they like to play with? Board games? Electronics? Candy Land? Legos? What are they good at in school? Math? Spelling? Reading? Do they like school or hate it? Will Dalton (or Bailey) want to go watch football with me this or next year? Will he look up to his older cousin, TJ? Will TJ want a little cousin to idolize him? Will the same be true with Alysia and Bailey? Will both the kids look forward to seeing Mackenzie when she comes over? Will they like my mom and dad and the farm? Are they afraid of dogs? Will they connect with Lori's mom and dad? Are they excited about having their own rooms? What color do they want to paint their rooms? What kind of stuff do they want to put on their walls?
That's just off the top of my head.
Lori's parents know where we are going tomorrow. My parents have no idea. I'm not sure how we're going to leave McDonalds and go across to the family reunion and not be a ball of energy and nerves. I don't know how we're supposed to sit in a room and not talk about the two hour meeting with Dalton and Bailey.
But I'm excited to see my cousin Dawn and her new baby. I love the family reunion each year. It'll be a great story for next year. Ok. I was able to write this out and now I might be able to watch TV or something.
14 more hours until I meet my future children. I still can't get it out of my head about how awesome that is.
It seems like I always get the urge to write on a quiet Friday night. We've gone through the motions today. Luckily, it was a horrible day at the office, so I was able to keep my mind on work instead of watching the clock and waiting for 10 am on Saturday to roll around. It was hard not talking about it. All I want to do is talk about it. But, it's so complex. Things change so rapidly, any news I tell anyone would get confusing. It's better to just wait until there is something real to tell. People treat the news like we're pregnant and about to have a baby. They don't see the struggle these kids have had and understand the slow process this must become so they don't feel like they are just moving in and out of every home they've ever been in.
All the emotion that I've held in check is right there on the surface today. No matter what I try to think about, Dalton and Bailey keep popping in. I'm excited, but nervous, about tomorrow because it IS a big day, no matter how much we downplay it. How many parents get this opportunity to introduce themselves to their own children? I hope they aren't scared or intimidated by us. I don't think they will be. I'm almost certain they won't. But we don't know. It sure would make things easier on us for the next two weeks if we knew the kids were eager to see us again the next time. If not, we'll keep moving forward. And if so, every day after will be a lot brighter as we move forward.
We started this thinking we were doing something noble. We were going to "save" one of these kids from abuse and neglect. We said we'd take two kids, but never thought the possibility would come up. We said "in the right situation." Turns out, we're not sure there was ever a wrong situation. But this does feel like the right situation.
So....this is like Christmas eve. Except I already know what we're getting for Christmas. What greater gift could there be in the universe? Lori and I are both a little scared that we're going to be bawling for the first thirty minutes. I'm going to do my best not to. I'm not sure how I'm ever going to get to sleep tonight? It's like standing on a cliff looking out on the great unknown.
I have so much stuff I want to ask these kids. I want them to have so much fun. Part of me hopes they've already had a lot of fun. But, another part wants to help them experience some of the things that I had such a good time doing as a kid. Can they swim? Do they like animals? The zoo? I'm sure they are too young for roller coasters, but I hope they're willing. Do they know who Shamu is? If not, we're going to HAVE to figure that one out quickly. What kind of food do they like? Pizza? Spaghetti? Hamburgers? Vegetables? Are they picky eaters? What movies have they seen? Cars? Up!? Wall-E? The muppets? What TV do they like to watch? Spongebob? iCarley? Looney Tunes? 60 Minutes? Can they ride a bike? Do I get to teach that to them? Do they like to play sports? Do they want to play sports? Do they want to be in cub scouts or girl scouts? Will Lori even want to do that? Does Bailey want to be a cheerleader? Dance? Gymnastics? What kind of toys do they like to play with? Board games? Electronics? Candy Land? Legos? What are they good at in school? Math? Spelling? Reading? Do they like school or hate it? Will Dalton (or Bailey) want to go watch football with me this or next year? Will he look up to his older cousin, TJ? Will TJ want a little cousin to idolize him? Will the same be true with Alysia and Bailey? Will both the kids look forward to seeing Mackenzie when she comes over? Will they like my mom and dad and the farm? Are they afraid of dogs? Will they connect with Lori's mom and dad? Are they excited about having their own rooms? What color do they want to paint their rooms? What kind of stuff do they want to put on their walls?
That's just off the top of my head.
Lori's parents know where we are going tomorrow. My parents have no idea. I'm not sure how we're going to leave McDonalds and go across to the family reunion and not be a ball of energy and nerves. I don't know how we're supposed to sit in a room and not talk about the two hour meeting with Dalton and Bailey.
But I'm excited to see my cousin Dawn and her new baby. I love the family reunion each year. It'll be a great story for next year. Ok. I was able to write this out and now I might be able to watch TV or something.
14 more hours until I meet my future children. I still can't get it out of my head about how awesome that is.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
"The Conference Call"
So. Last night we had to "commit" to moving forward. No big deal really. The conversation was difficult, because we had to make sure there was no stone unturned. We had to make sure that one of us wasn't waiting for the other to ask that question that neither of us wanted to know the answer to. The actions speak louder than words conversation. We both left last night's conversation a little drained but satisfied that we are as ready as we say and think we are. We keep testing that we don't have doubts. We passed all test with flying colors in my opinion. I think we are realistic in knowing we will be in over our heads. I think we are approaching it the exact correct way and others are affirming that for us by moving forward with this.
We had decided that we would meet Dalton and Bailey on Saturday, but we had questions for their caseworker. We didn't know what kind of meeting it was set up to be. Are we their prospecting long-term mommy and daddy? Are we Uncle Steve and Aunt Lori that just want to be their pal? Are we just a couple of people looking to entertain them for a day? Do they want to go back to their real mom? Do they like where they are now? Do they even WANT a permanent long-term mommy and daddy at this point? They've been burned many times before and really have had no idea why they have been moved around like they have.
We waited for him to call us nervously. We tried not to be nervous, but we both are starting to feel how real it's getting. He called and we talked on the speaker-phone for about 45 minutes. You could tell that he really cares about these two kids. He's been dealing with them from day 1 of their journey about 2 years ago. You could hear the frustration in his voice that the biological family couldn't get their act together. You could hear the hope in his voice that our situation would be better than the best situation they had been in for a short while where he saw positive progress. You could tell he's got more than just a case-workers interest in these kids. I would bet if he didn't have kids, these would be his kids.
Our minds were put at ease quickly. These kids WILL know that it is our hope that they will eventually come to stay with us forever. We'll work in to it slowly. First meeting will be a two hour play-date at McDonalds. We asked and he thought it was very appropriate for us to bring a toy or two to give them. I didn't tell, but I had already bought a couple little things that I was going to have in my pocket as a "Oh! How did THIS get in there!" type gift. He encouraged us to bring a camera, which was one of those questions we were really afraid to ask.
If all goes well, in the next week or two, we will travel the hour and a half to the home they are at to visit them on their turf. The hope is that they will be excited to see us again. Then, we'll ask if they want to come spend the night in our house. After that, I'm not sure of the time-table, but at least I can SEE how this is going to unfold. Before tonight, I wasn't sure the way I thought it should go would be the same as everyone else. Turns out, it is. Everybody cares about these kids.
SO - we have to wait till Saturday. That's going to make for one looooong Friday. And Saturday could be one of the biggest days EVER. We're both trying to play it down to each other, but we both have aknowledged the signifigance of it all.......
Saturday, I will probably be meeting my new son and daughter for the first time. How awesome is that statement? It's like Lori being pregnant with twins and being induced tomorrow. Except, that we already know a lot of the good and bad physical and emotional problems they have. It's not all good like every parent prays for. But it's not at all bad enough that you wouldn't thank God that these kids are exactly as they are. It's almost too much to put in to words. We hope that the kids love us and we are very concious that we shouldn't try too hard. We don't want to cry the happy tears for two hours and leave these kids wondering "Who are these freaks?" But wow. It's all set to go. The appointment is set.
Oh....the kids live in Elgin which is about an hour and a half away....near Austin. It just so happens that my family is having a family reunion on Saturday in Taylor - near Elgin and Austin. We had told CPS we would gladly cancel the family reunion for this. Turns out, the kids caseworker set our play-date for the McDonalds in Taylor, right next door to our family reunion! That's a coincidence that I will never be able to explain. Even Preston was a little awed by that little touch of God. Lori and I kind of look for signs that this is what we're supposed to be doing at this time and place. We've gotten them in big ways for the last eight months. This is just one more.
Of course after the phone call we went to eat and went to the dollar store and did some toy shopping. Coloring books, action figure, Matchbox car, little toy pony. I already know a little what they like and think they'll be more than happy. We've been able to peek behind the curtain and see some specific things they like (Star Wars and ponies).
I'm proud of us for making it here. I'm proud of our case-worker, Carey, for leading us to this point. I'm encouraged by the kids case-worker, Preston, for looking out for their best interest for so long. It sounds like a lesser worker might have lost these kids in the system once or twice. And, I'm proud of Bailey and Dalton. They've had to see and do and experience some things no kids should have to. They've had a really raw deal their whole lives. I hope and pray that we are the happy ending to that part of their lives and that they can start a whole new book with us. I'm confident that we'll all be successful at that.
We had decided that we would meet Dalton and Bailey on Saturday, but we had questions for their caseworker. We didn't know what kind of meeting it was set up to be. Are we their prospecting long-term mommy and daddy? Are we Uncle Steve and Aunt Lori that just want to be their pal? Are we just a couple of people looking to entertain them for a day? Do they want to go back to their real mom? Do they like where they are now? Do they even WANT a permanent long-term mommy and daddy at this point? They've been burned many times before and really have had no idea why they have been moved around like they have.
We waited for him to call us nervously. We tried not to be nervous, but we both are starting to feel how real it's getting. He called and we talked on the speaker-phone for about 45 minutes. You could tell that he really cares about these two kids. He's been dealing with them from day 1 of their journey about 2 years ago. You could hear the frustration in his voice that the biological family couldn't get their act together. You could hear the hope in his voice that our situation would be better than the best situation they had been in for a short while where he saw positive progress. You could tell he's got more than just a case-workers interest in these kids. I would bet if he didn't have kids, these would be his kids.
Our minds were put at ease quickly. These kids WILL know that it is our hope that they will eventually come to stay with us forever. We'll work in to it slowly. First meeting will be a two hour play-date at McDonalds. We asked and he thought it was very appropriate for us to bring a toy or two to give them. I didn't tell, but I had already bought a couple little things that I was going to have in my pocket as a "Oh! How did THIS get in there!" type gift. He encouraged us to bring a camera, which was one of those questions we were really afraid to ask.
If all goes well, in the next week or two, we will travel the hour and a half to the home they are at to visit them on their turf. The hope is that they will be excited to see us again. Then, we'll ask if they want to come spend the night in our house. After that, I'm not sure of the time-table, but at least I can SEE how this is going to unfold. Before tonight, I wasn't sure the way I thought it should go would be the same as everyone else. Turns out, it is. Everybody cares about these kids.
SO - we have to wait till Saturday. That's going to make for one looooong Friday. And Saturday could be one of the biggest days EVER. We're both trying to play it down to each other, but we both have aknowledged the signifigance of it all.......
Saturday, I will probably be meeting my new son and daughter for the first time. How awesome is that statement? It's like Lori being pregnant with twins and being induced tomorrow. Except, that we already know a lot of the good and bad physical and emotional problems they have. It's not all good like every parent prays for. But it's not at all bad enough that you wouldn't thank God that these kids are exactly as they are. It's almost too much to put in to words. We hope that the kids love us and we are very concious that we shouldn't try too hard. We don't want to cry the happy tears for two hours and leave these kids wondering "Who are these freaks?" But wow. It's all set to go. The appointment is set.
Oh....the kids live in Elgin which is about an hour and a half away....near Austin. It just so happens that my family is having a family reunion on Saturday in Taylor - near Elgin and Austin. We had told CPS we would gladly cancel the family reunion for this. Turns out, the kids caseworker set our play-date for the McDonalds in Taylor, right next door to our family reunion! That's a coincidence that I will never be able to explain. Even Preston was a little awed by that little touch of God. Lori and I kind of look for signs that this is what we're supposed to be doing at this time and place. We've gotten them in big ways for the last eight months. This is just one more.
Of course after the phone call we went to eat and went to the dollar store and did some toy shopping. Coloring books, action figure, Matchbox car, little toy pony. I already know a little what they like and think they'll be more than happy. We've been able to peek behind the curtain and see some specific things they like (Star Wars and ponies).
I'm proud of us for making it here. I'm proud of our case-worker, Carey, for leading us to this point. I'm encouraged by the kids case-worker, Preston, for looking out for their best interest for so long. It sounds like a lesser worker might have lost these kids in the system once or twice. And, I'm proud of Bailey and Dalton. They've had to see and do and experience some things no kids should have to. They've had a really raw deal their whole lives. I hope and pray that we are the happy ending to that part of their lives and that they can start a whole new book with us. I'm confident that we'll all be successful at that.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
It's getting "Real"
I'm at a crossroads for this blog. I started it to have a place for me to write because it's one of my best coping methods. I write for me.....sometimes people read it. I'm to the point at this conversation that I NEED to write, but we're so close to the door to this that I don't want to say too much. So....I'm going to write and not post it. Once I can, I'll publish it.
Monday, we found out that we were submitted for "two boys - 5 and 6 years old". The caseworker for the boys wants us to meet them on Saturday. We had very little information on them. No problems......happy and healthy. Seems too good to be true, right?
kinda.
The kids aren't two boys - it's a 6 year old boy and a 5 year old girl. They are in therapy and have definite "problems". We requested some info and got the therapist's assessments. Nothing we can't handle. Some totally understandable problems that any kid their age would have after going through what they've been through.
Here's the twist - tonight was the first time I've heard my wife "worry" that we aren't equipped to handle this. So, tonight we had the first HARD conversation about this whole process that we've had. We've had "serious" discussions about all of this, but it's always been something that we were working towards. It was comfortably in the future.
Tonight was the first time, for my wife especially, that it's here. We're REALLY going to become parents soon. And not just to one kid. It appears it will be for TWO kids. And yesterday, it was better, for her, because it was two little boys. She has mother/daughter issues with her own mother. She is concerned that it will carry over.
She's scared. It's to be expected. She is focusing on the negatives of what this could bring instead of thinking about both. It's a little overwhelming for anyone to go from no kids to two kids in no time. To add some emotional problems and challenges with the kids is just piling on. We had to ask each other the tough questions and really consider if we were REALLY ready for this. We talked about how we each are going to change, how our daily lives will change forever. Some of that we're going to miss. A lot of it we're going to miss. But.....a lot we ARENT going to miss.
Bottom line is, I think we've worked out the doubts. We've never doubted that we're ready and these two kids would succeed in our home.....we just want to make sure we're being honest enough to give the kids AND us a fair chance. Without our marriage staying strong, there is no chance. I think Lori was a little annoyed that I was happy we were having an emotional conversation.
I'm uber excited. I'm scared too. But I don't have the doubt that Lori has always had. But, I watch Lori with other kids, especially my nieces and nephew. They IDOLIZE her. She handles them SO well and she doesn't even consider it "handling" them like a parent. She's just being her. She's an only child, so she doesn't think she'll know how to handle fights between the two kids. She knows how. She just doesn't know that she does. She does it all the time.
So....on Saturday, we're going to meet these two kids. At least that's the plan. We still need to talk to their case worker to find out exactly how its going to work. I think he's so connected to them that he wants to see how we interact. If things go well.....and I guess even if they don't....then in a couple of weeks, they're going to come here for an overnight visit.....then we'll see where it goes from there. The case worker wants to keep it slow. I'm all for that. But if I meet the kids, I want to make sure they eventually know that our intent is to keep them forever. I don't think it's fair to parade them in front of a bunch of people.
More later. I'm tired. Long day. Exciting. It keeps getting more. On Saturday, there is a better than good chance I will be meeting my eventual new son and daughter. It really is an overwhelming thought. Parents go a lifetime wishing they had a little boy and girl. We're just going about it a little differently.
I totally understand why Lori is scared. Any parent not scared shouldn't be a parent.
Monday, we found out that we were submitted for "two boys - 5 and 6 years old". The caseworker for the boys wants us to meet them on Saturday. We had very little information on them. No problems......happy and healthy. Seems too good to be true, right?
kinda.
The kids aren't two boys - it's a 6 year old boy and a 5 year old girl. They are in therapy and have definite "problems". We requested some info and got the therapist's assessments. Nothing we can't handle. Some totally understandable problems that any kid their age would have after going through what they've been through.
Here's the twist - tonight was the first time I've heard my wife "worry" that we aren't equipped to handle this. So, tonight we had the first HARD conversation about this whole process that we've had. We've had "serious" discussions about all of this, but it's always been something that we were working towards. It was comfortably in the future.
Tonight was the first time, for my wife especially, that it's here. We're REALLY going to become parents soon. And not just to one kid. It appears it will be for TWO kids. And yesterday, it was better, for her, because it was two little boys. She has mother/daughter issues with her own mother. She is concerned that it will carry over.
She's scared. It's to be expected. She is focusing on the negatives of what this could bring instead of thinking about both. It's a little overwhelming for anyone to go from no kids to two kids in no time. To add some emotional problems and challenges with the kids is just piling on. We had to ask each other the tough questions and really consider if we were REALLY ready for this. We talked about how we each are going to change, how our daily lives will change forever. Some of that we're going to miss. A lot of it we're going to miss. But.....a lot we ARENT going to miss.
Bottom line is, I think we've worked out the doubts. We've never doubted that we're ready and these two kids would succeed in our home.....we just want to make sure we're being honest enough to give the kids AND us a fair chance. Without our marriage staying strong, there is no chance. I think Lori was a little annoyed that I was happy we were having an emotional conversation.
I'm uber excited. I'm scared too. But I don't have the doubt that Lori has always had. But, I watch Lori with other kids, especially my nieces and nephew. They IDOLIZE her. She handles them SO well and she doesn't even consider it "handling" them like a parent. She's just being her. She's an only child, so she doesn't think she'll know how to handle fights between the two kids. She knows how. She just doesn't know that she does. She does it all the time.
So....on Saturday, we're going to meet these two kids. At least that's the plan. We still need to talk to their case worker to find out exactly how its going to work. I think he's so connected to them that he wants to see how we interact. If things go well.....and I guess even if they don't....then in a couple of weeks, they're going to come here for an overnight visit.....then we'll see where it goes from there. The case worker wants to keep it slow. I'm all for that. But if I meet the kids, I want to make sure they eventually know that our intent is to keep them forever. I don't think it's fair to parade them in front of a bunch of people.
More later. I'm tired. Long day. Exciting. It keeps getting more. On Saturday, there is a better than good chance I will be meeting my eventual new son and daughter. It really is an overwhelming thought. Parents go a lifetime wishing they had a little boy and girl. We're just going about it a little differently.
I totally understand why Lori is scared. Any parent not scared shouldn't be a parent.
Monday, August 10, 2009
.....and the hits just keep on coming.
Wow. I feel like we're getting closer. I got a call today from my case worker and she told me about something really promising. She had forgotten to tell us that she sent something out last week (no big deal with everything we had going on at the time).
This one is warm enough that I'm not going to say too much. Because, if it works out, I'll have a LOT to say anyway. It's a little different. Legal risk fostering for the moment. Meaning the parents are in grave danger of having their rights terminated. We'll know more in a couple of weeks on that front it seems.
Lori and I went to IKEA yesterday with my brother and SIL. It was hard NOT to shop for kids stuff. We'll be back there soon, I'm sure. We're very excited about this prospective case and could be way in over our heads. Excitingly over our heads. If there is one thing thing has been over the last two weeks it's a roller coaster. It's been different every time. Our case worker seems to think we're ready for anything. I'm still thrilled to have her in my corner. Even when we thought we were all set last week, she still sent out our home-study.....didn't stop working just in case.
The case worker she sent it to thinks we're a good choice and this seems to be on a fast track. So much to think about....but we've learned not to get too ahead of ourselves the last few weeks. This could change at any moment, and since this is legal risk, it's possible that at any point, a family member could come out of the woodwork and we'd be childless again. So, even when we're parents....we have to check ourselves at the process.
I haven't been emotional about any of this. I continue that. But, I can see it on the horizon....even if it's not this case. As more case workers find out about us, it's almost like a "buzz". I think often about the other families in our class. I know a couple have kids placed with them. One lady with a young baby. One couple has a 15 year old. The both sent emails and seem to be over the moon.
If this works out, I think everyone will be thrilled.
Well see. A little nervous energy just got let go in this post.
This one is warm enough that I'm not going to say too much. Because, if it works out, I'll have a LOT to say anyway. It's a little different. Legal risk fostering for the moment. Meaning the parents are in grave danger of having their rights terminated. We'll know more in a couple of weeks on that front it seems.
Lori and I went to IKEA yesterday with my brother and SIL. It was hard NOT to shop for kids stuff. We'll be back there soon, I'm sure. We're very excited about this prospective case and could be way in over our heads. Excitingly over our heads. If there is one thing thing has been over the last two weeks it's a roller coaster. It's been different every time. Our case worker seems to think we're ready for anything. I'm still thrilled to have her in my corner. Even when we thought we were all set last week, she still sent out our home-study.....didn't stop working just in case.
The case worker she sent it to thinks we're a good choice and this seems to be on a fast track. So much to think about....but we've learned not to get too ahead of ourselves the last few weeks. This could change at any moment, and since this is legal risk, it's possible that at any point, a family member could come out of the woodwork and we'd be childless again. So, even when we're parents....we have to check ourselves at the process.
If this works out, I think everyone will be thrilled.
Well see. A little nervous energy just got let go in this post.
Friday, August 7, 2009
BANG......wait. Nevermind.
So. I'm out in the middle of a field, measuring for a slab that we're pouring on Monday and I get a call from a number out of our area code that I don't recognize. Hello?
It was a CPS worker that had a happy healthy 2 month old boy that needed IMMEDIATE placement. She rattled on about name, history, mother's history, father's history and a bunch of other things.....the whole time my heart is racing and I only heard "immediate". We need a crib, we need diapers, we need formula, we need a car seat....I have 15 minutes. Zero to two month old in 5 seconds. I told her that I could not say yes until I spoke with my wife. At that moment, her other line rang and she said it was my wife calling her back (it wasn't). I told her to tell my wife I'd be home in 10 minutes.
I didn't call my wife because I was convinced she was hearing the same world-changing news as I was. I got a phone call from one of my workers on the way home...figured I needed it to calm my nerves. A MILLION things went through my head at once.
I need to get batteries for the camera because there will be a lot of pictures tonight.
Crib, playpen, toys, formula, diapers, car seat, how much formula for a two month old, how often, do I tell my mom, I guess I'm not going to the water park tomorrow, does this mean my MIL is going to practically move in with us, did I finish everything at work so I can take some time off, what was the kids name again, I wonder why a family member didn't come forward and take the..........
I notice that there's a voicemail on my phone that must have come in when I was talking to the worker.
It's the CPS lady.....turns out that call wasn't my wife. It was another CPS lady. A family member came out of nowhere to request the baby. Ok. Scratch that one off our list.
In two weeks, we've almost had a two year old girl, a ten year old girl, and now a two month old boy. By the time I was able to talk to Lori (who was taking a nap and missed it all) a whole 7 minutes after I found out, it was all over. We went to dinner and I was able to calm myself and tell the story.
It was a good practice run at what we NEED to get if it happens again. And I guess there is an outside shot that this family member won't be qualified to handle a kid and we'll be back in the game. The case worker was very complimentary and said our worker was very persuasive and said we're one of her "star" families. Our case worker called later and apologized (not really her fault at all) that it all happened so fast and ended the way it did.
We're surprisingly o.k. with all of it as usual. We're glad it happened before they put a two month old baby in my arms. Two hours later and I'd have to give it up and I think THAT would have been hard. Instead, we've kept it very business-like and we don't feel cheated or wronged at all.
But, with every close call, I can feel it getting closer. Still kind of hoping for the 3-4 year old boy (or girl) that we think is the best fit for us. But in the span of four days, we've had both extreme that we could go (a 10 year old and 2 month old) and were ready to accept both happily.
It was a CPS worker that had a happy healthy 2 month old boy that needed IMMEDIATE placement. She rattled on about name, history, mother's history, father's history and a bunch of other things.....the whole time my heart is racing and I only heard "immediate". We need a crib, we need diapers, we need formula, we need a car seat....I have 15 minutes. Zero to two month old in 5 seconds. I told her that I could not say yes until I spoke with my wife. At that moment, her other line rang and she said it was my wife calling her back (it wasn't). I told her to tell my wife I'd be home in 10 minutes.
I didn't call my wife because I was convinced she was hearing the same world-changing news as I was. I got a phone call from one of my workers on the way home...figured I needed it to calm my nerves. A MILLION things went through my head at once.
I need to get batteries for the camera because there will be a lot of pictures tonight.
Crib, playpen, toys, formula, diapers, car seat, how much formula for a two month old, how often, do I tell my mom, I guess I'm not going to the water park tomorrow, does this mean my MIL is going to practically move in with us, did I finish everything at work so I can take some time off, what was the kids name again, I wonder why a family member didn't come forward and take the..........
I notice that there's a voicemail on my phone that must have come in when I was talking to the worker.
It's the CPS lady.....turns out that call wasn't my wife. It was another CPS lady. A family member came out of nowhere to request the baby. Ok. Scratch that one off our list.
In two weeks, we've almost had a two year old girl, a ten year old girl, and now a two month old boy. By the time I was able to talk to Lori (who was taking a nap and missed it all) a whole 7 minutes after I found out, it was all over. We went to dinner and I was able to calm myself and tell the story.
It was a good practice run at what we NEED to get if it happens again. And I guess there is an outside shot that this family member won't be qualified to handle a kid and we'll be back in the game. The case worker was very complimentary and said our worker was very persuasive and said we're one of her "star" families. Our case worker called later and apologized (not really her fault at all) that it all happened so fast and ended the way it did.
We're surprisingly o.k. with all of it as usual. We're glad it happened before they put a two month old baby in my arms. Two hours later and I'd have to give it up and I think THAT would have been hard. Instead, we've kept it very business-like and we don't feel cheated or wronged at all.
But, with every close call, I can feel it getting closer. Still kind of hoping for the 3-4 year old boy (or girl) that we think is the best fit for us. But in the span of four days, we've had both extreme that we could go (a 10 year old and 2 month old) and were ready to accept both happily.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Another try on the Roller Coaster
That was quick. Woke up this morning confident that a conference call would result it a bunch of wheels going in motion to bring this 10 year old girl to us.
Turns out, a supervisor said otherwise. She needs more help than a family with no experience (like us) can give. I'm pretty proud of Lori and I for trusting our gut instinct. That's exactly what we were going to discuss with the case workers.
I can't save all the children. Just one....maybe two. And I want my child and Lori and I to have every opportunity to succeed. If I adopt a child that is not the "right fit" for us, not only am I cheating the child we adopt, we're also cheating the child that we were supposed to adopt....and we're cheating ourselves. Lori and I have a lot to give....we just want to make sure it's the right stuff to give to the right child.
Back to the drawing board. We're getting a visit from our case worker on next Wednesday. Looking forward to it!
p.s. I will say - Lori and I are shockingly business-like with the last two "no's". We haven't really been emotional, even behind the scenes. The emotion comes from switching gears. Last week, we were playing out scenarios of what it would be like to have a 2 year old in the house. This week, a 10 year old. Next week, maybe it will be TWO kids. Who knows?! That's the roller coaster aspect of all this.
Turns out, a supervisor said otherwise. She needs more help than a family with no experience (like us) can give. I'm pretty proud of Lori and I for trusting our gut instinct. That's exactly what we were going to discuss with the case workers.
I can't save all the children. Just one....maybe two. And I want my child and Lori and I to have every opportunity to succeed. If I adopt a child that is not the "right fit" for us, not only am I cheating the child we adopt, we're also cheating the child that we were supposed to adopt....and we're cheating ourselves. Lori and I have a lot to give....we just want to make sure it's the right stuff to give to the right child.
Back to the drawing board. We're getting a visit from our case worker on next Wednesday. Looking forward to it!
p.s. I will say - Lori and I are shockingly business-like with the last two "no's". We haven't really been emotional, even behind the scenes. The emotion comes from switching gears. Last week, we were playing out scenarios of what it would be like to have a 2 year old in the house. This week, a 10 year old. Next week, maybe it will be TWO kids. Who knows?! That's the roller coaster aspect of all this.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Rumblings on the Horizon
A few days after finding out we didn't get the two year old girl - we're fine with it. Sometimes you think it and say it but you aren't really sure. But, we can honestly say we're sure. We found out she went to a bi-lingual family. We figured....we're happy about that.
Now, a few days later, we have a new case to consider. In fact, it's pretty much in our laps to decide on. We're excited - we really are. But, at the same time, it's not the perfect situation. Or, rather, it's not the situation we envisioned ourselves in at the beginning of this process. We know there are no perfect situations in this.
We were actaually presented with her case awhile ago and were told she was adopted. Turns out, that's not true. The family that was going to adopt her read her casefile and had some concerns about some stuff and backed out. She's 10 years old and......I'll just leave the details out for now.....since I'm not really supposed to talk about this at all. I'm just talking to myself really. She has Oppositional Defiance Disorder....in other words, she's a challenge. But, the therapist and caseworker all say that they don't understand how she was diagnosed with that. She hasn't shown signs in 2 years. She has brothers and sisters that are spread out around Central Texas. Sounds like she's the oldest and she was taking care of them for awhile.
My concerns are - if we adopt her, that may be it. No more. They want her to be an only child. She's older than we originally were going in for.....but we changed our minds throughout the process. We're both at or near 40 and a 10 year old will bridge the gap a little. But, if/when we commit, that's it. No more. That's tough to take. Maybe it will change....but we have to go into it with the mindset that this is it.
We're going to move forward with it I think.....Lori and I have done a lot of talking to this point and I think we both just want to talk to the caseworkers to find out WHY they picked US as a good fit for this little girl. Was there something about us? Or are we just available and we look nice? I think if they can give us a reason - any reason - other than "you look nice" then we'll be ready. Since neither Lori or I grew up in an oppositional/confrontational home, what makes them think we'd be good and handling a girl that is confrontational?
These are all concerns that we'd be concerned about ANY child. In the limited info that we have, there are some red flags. Sure there are. But there are also some white flags. Indications that some of the stuff in her file may just be a crappy family. Claims that may or may not have been true....parents that were struggling for survival and staying out of trouble maybe.......
Which means if we do decide - we're going to have some fun right off the bat. This girl has been through some crappy situations (a lot of which I'm not at liberty to talk about). I'm not sure her foster family is the "best fit". She likes sports. She likes roller coasters. She's supposed to have a sense of humor. Sound familiar? We'll be a Schlitterbahn/Sea World/Fiesta Texas whirlwind for the first few months. With discipline, of course....but we'll have fun.
A lot to think about. And....the scary thing is that it is very possible that we're talking days instead of weeks and months that this could be a reality. At least I think that's the plan.
Now, a few days later, we have a new case to consider. In fact, it's pretty much in our laps to decide on. We're excited - we really are. But, at the same time, it's not the perfect situation. Or, rather, it's not the situation we envisioned ourselves in at the beginning of this process. We know there are no perfect situations in this.
We were actaually presented with her case awhile ago and were told she was adopted. Turns out, that's not true. The family that was going to adopt her read her casefile and had some concerns about some stuff and backed out. She's 10 years old and......I'll just leave the details out for now.....since I'm not really supposed to talk about this at all. I'm just talking to myself really. She has Oppositional Defiance Disorder....in other words, she's a challenge. But, the therapist and caseworker all say that they don't understand how she was diagnosed with that. She hasn't shown signs in 2 years. She has brothers and sisters that are spread out around Central Texas. Sounds like she's the oldest and she was taking care of them for awhile.
My concerns are - if we adopt her, that may be it. No more. They want her to be an only child. She's older than we originally were going in for.....but we changed our minds throughout the process. We're both at or near 40 and a 10 year old will bridge the gap a little. But, if/when we commit, that's it. No more. That's tough to take. Maybe it will change....but we have to go into it with the mindset that this is it.
We're going to move forward with it I think.....Lori and I have done a lot of talking to this point and I think we both just want to talk to the caseworkers to find out WHY they picked US as a good fit for this little girl. Was there something about us? Or are we just available and we look nice? I think if they can give us a reason - any reason - other than "you look nice" then we'll be ready. Since neither Lori or I grew up in an oppositional/confrontational home, what makes them think we'd be good and handling a girl that is confrontational?
These are all concerns that we'd be concerned about ANY child. In the limited info that we have, there are some red flags. Sure there are. But there are also some white flags. Indications that some of the stuff in her file may just be a crappy family. Claims that may or may not have been true....parents that were struggling for survival and staying out of trouble maybe.......
Which means if we do decide - we're going to have some fun right off the bat. This girl has been through some crappy situations (a lot of which I'm not at liberty to talk about). I'm not sure her foster family is the "best fit". She likes sports. She likes roller coasters. She's supposed to have a sense of humor. Sound familiar? We'll be a Schlitterbahn/Sea World/Fiesta Texas whirlwind for the first few months. With discipline, of course....but we'll have fun.
A lot to think about. And....the scary thing is that it is very possible that we're talking days instead of weeks and months that this could be a reality. At least I think that's the plan.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
And......no.
Three hours later and the meeting is over.
The answer was a no. Shockingly, Lori and I are o.k. with it. I think our caseworker may be more upset and defeated than we are. I've stayed proud of my wife for how she's handling this process. It's a bigger picture than just us becoming parents. When it's our time, it will be our time.
Some good news out of the meeting - it sounds like our case worker knows our file inside and out now. She can talk about us better than our parents can. And, the case worker of the little girl was impressed by our homestudy. There was nothing negative that kept us from getting the child. So, I'm sure when another child comes available, we'll be in the back of her mind. It sounds like our case worker put up quite a fight for us.
So....back a step. But stronger because of it.
The answer was a no. Shockingly, Lori and I are o.k. with it. I think our caseworker may be more upset and defeated than we are. I've stayed proud of my wife for how she's handling this process. It's a bigger picture than just us becoming parents. When it's our time, it will be our time.
Some good news out of the meeting - it sounds like our case worker knows our file inside and out now. She can talk about us better than our parents can. And, the case worker of the little girl was impressed by our homestudy. There was nothing negative that kept us from getting the child. So, I'm sure when another child comes available, we'll be in the back of her mind. It sounds like our case worker put up quite a fight for us.
So....back a step. But stronger because of it.
I don't want to jinx it.
If you're reading this - don't overreact. At least, that's how we're trying to handle it here today.
We have achieved the "next step" in the adoption process. We've been selected as a finalist. Today - in less than an hour, there will be a room full of six people to talk about a little two year old girl. One of the people in the room is going to be our case worker representing us. There will be two other family's case workers, the little girl's case worker, and the foster mom and dad.
And - it's very possible that by three p.m. today, I'll know if I'll get the chance to be this little girl's dad. I don't have much information at all. I just know she's healthy and happy. I know her age, race, name.....and that's it. I usually know more about the child's background than I do hers....but that's o.k. Knowing too little is a good sign at this stage. That means there are no major red flags.
My case worker e-mailed me about her over a month ago and we didn't pay too much attention. She e-mailed the same day about 3 other kids with far bigger things to read about that Lori and I discussed in detail. We didn't discuss this little girl because there wasn't much to talk about. Two year old healthy happy girl? Sign us up. No brainer.
Then - poof - we hear about this meeting today. We went from nothing to this in five hours. And honestly, we're prepared for either way. Lori is still without a job and we figure that might be involved in the conversation today. But, financially, we're doing pretty good considering, with money set aside just for the fostering/adoption. If we don't get this little girl, there will only be a small amount of disappointment. If we do, I think we're ready for that too. Lori is home, I have two weeks of vacation saved up and it's the best time so far this year for me to take it.
If it does work out, we're anxious to see a picture, have a million questions, most of which we don't even know yet. It's funny because we just ran into a couple last night that was in our adoption class and we talked about the waiting and how difficult it was. Both couples admitted we're setting ourselves up for a year long wait. I made the joke that after all that talking, something was going to happen tomorrow. And here it is.
Anyway....for those that are following this blog, no news tonight or tomorrow will be bad news, but not real bad news. We're just happy that we've achieved another step in the whole process. We're still very aware that it's whats best for these kids and not really what we want at this point.
I know where the meeting is. It's taking everything for me NOT to get in the car and drive and sit in the parking lot and tackling my case worker on the way out. It's just a meeting that might affect the rest of my life. But then again....it may be just a meeting.
We have achieved the "next step" in the adoption process. We've been selected as a finalist. Today - in less than an hour, there will be a room full of six people to talk about a little two year old girl. One of the people in the room is going to be our case worker representing us. There will be two other family's case workers, the little girl's case worker, and the foster mom and dad.
And - it's very possible that by three p.m. today, I'll know if I'll get the chance to be this little girl's dad. I don't have much information at all. I just know she's healthy and happy. I know her age, race, name.....and that's it. I usually know more about the child's background than I do hers....but that's o.k. Knowing too little is a good sign at this stage. That means there are no major red flags.
My case worker e-mailed me about her over a month ago and we didn't pay too much attention. She e-mailed the same day about 3 other kids with far bigger things to read about that Lori and I discussed in detail. We didn't discuss this little girl because there wasn't much to talk about. Two year old healthy happy girl? Sign us up. No brainer.
Then - poof - we hear about this meeting today. We went from nothing to this in five hours. And honestly, we're prepared for either way. Lori is still without a job and we figure that might be involved in the conversation today. But, financially, we're doing pretty good considering, with money set aside just for the fostering/adoption. If we don't get this little girl, there will only be a small amount of disappointment. If we do, I think we're ready for that too. Lori is home, I have two weeks of vacation saved up and it's the best time so far this year for me to take it.
If it does work out, we're anxious to see a picture, have a million questions, most of which we don't even know yet. It's funny because we just ran into a couple last night that was in our adoption class and we talked about the waiting and how difficult it was. Both couples admitted we're setting ourselves up for a year long wait. I made the joke that after all that talking, something was going to happen tomorrow. And here it is.
Anyway....for those that are following this blog, no news tonight or tomorrow will be bad news, but not real bad news. We're just happy that we've achieved another step in the whole process. We're still very aware that it's whats best for these kids and not really what we want at this point.
I know where the meeting is. It's taking everything for me NOT to get in the car and drive and sit in the parking lot and tackling my case worker on the way out. It's just a meeting that might affect the rest of my life. But then again....it may be just a meeting.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
No News Is No News
It's been awhile since I last posted. A few have asked......but an update is due.
No news is no news.
Lori lost her job about 3 weeks ago. We're still being submitted for potential kids, but until we are "a finalist" we haven't really discussed what would happen. Lori needs to get a new job. We need to be able to buy all the things we need to buy when we get a new child in the house. We'd like to do it without going in to debt. We know we'll always do what we have to do.
We've also had our eyes opened for us a little wider the last month. The chances of us getting TWO children at the same time (brothers, sisters, one of each) is a real possibility. We always have the final say, but if we are picked, I'm not sure if we could say no. Our case worker has been really great and I still feel like she knows us and knows what we can and can't handle. We've only had one or two situations presented to us that we thought we might be in a little over our heads. But our case-worker kind of thought it, too. So, we're real lucky.
I won't say Mothers Day and Fathers Day was hard - it wasn't. But, I had more than one person each day ask me "how ya doing" on those days. Like I should be sad that I'm not a father on Father's Day. I guess talking about it made me a tad sad, but I'm still very excited. Hopefully that will be the LAST Father's Day without a child.
This weekend is July 4th, a big deal in our little town. I'm 39 years old and this will be my 40th July 4th parade in Downtown Belton. Never missed one. Not one. I love the small town part of it all. I can't wait to have my own kid(s) to take. But, I'm patient. I know it's going to happen sooner or later. I know it's going to be the most difficult but rewarding thing that's ever happened to me.
No news is no news. When there's more news, I'll report the news. :)
No news is no news.
Lori lost her job about 3 weeks ago. We're still being submitted for potential kids, but until we are "a finalist" we haven't really discussed what would happen. Lori needs to get a new job. We need to be able to buy all the things we need to buy when we get a new child in the house. We'd like to do it without going in to debt. We know we'll always do what we have to do.
We've also had our eyes opened for us a little wider the last month. The chances of us getting TWO children at the same time (brothers, sisters, one of each) is a real possibility. We always have the final say, but if we are picked, I'm not sure if we could say no. Our case worker has been really great and I still feel like she knows us and knows what we can and can't handle. We've only had one or two situations presented to us that we thought we might be in a little over our heads. But our case-worker kind of thought it, too. So, we're real lucky.
I won't say Mothers Day and Fathers Day was hard - it wasn't. But, I had more than one person each day ask me "how ya doing" on those days. Like I should be sad that I'm not a father on Father's Day. I guess talking about it made me a tad sad, but I'm still very excited. Hopefully that will be the LAST Father's Day without a child.
This weekend is July 4th, a big deal in our little town. I'm 39 years old and this will be my 40th July 4th parade in Downtown Belton. Never missed one. Not one. I love the small town part of it all. I can't wait to have my own kid(s) to take. But, I'm patient. I know it's going to happen sooner or later. I know it's going to be the most difficult but rewarding thing that's ever happened to me.
No news is no news. When there's more news, I'll report the news. :)
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Homestudy DONE!
We had our 5 o'clock meeting. Lori and I combed over our homestudy to make sure there was nothing in there that would make us seem like creepy people. We both think we're wonderful people with a great family and a great home. But, how would a stranger who just met us perceive us and our home and, most importantly, our ability to raise children?
Turns out - pretty darn well, actually. We were quite pleased with out we are perceived. Turns out, I'm a goof-ball and Lori is "serious." When compared to me, most people are serious and reserved. In social situations, Lori sits back and watches me goof in front of everybody. But, that makes for a good team it seems. There was nothing negative that I wouldn't want any parent, case-worker, or child to read. Our perceptions of ourselves are actually pretty accurate I think.
And....we're officially in the game. Our study has been sent to our first prospective child. Because of privacy issues, and the fact that nothing may turn out from this, I hesitate saying too much. But, our caseworker immediately thought of us when she got word that this child was available for adoption. And, to be honest, even though there are some serious issues that are to be overcome, we both agreed that this particular case suited us very well. Now, our file goes to the child's caseworker along with an undetermined amount of others. It could be 3, it could be 3000 other families that are submitted. Then, once we have been selected as a "finalist", new things happen. Until then, we go through this "Here's a kid....want us to submit you" process over and over.
It's just exciting that we're finally IN the game.
Turns out - pretty darn well, actually. We were quite pleased with out we are perceived. Turns out, I'm a goof-ball and Lori is "serious." When compared to me, most people are serious and reserved. In social situations, Lori sits back and watches me goof in front of everybody. But, that makes for a good team it seems. There was nothing negative that I wouldn't want any parent, case-worker, or child to read. Our perceptions of ourselves are actually pretty accurate I think.
And....we're officially in the game. Our study has been sent to our first prospective child. Because of privacy issues, and the fact that nothing may turn out from this, I hesitate saying too much. But, our caseworker immediately thought of us when she got word that this child was available for adoption. And, to be honest, even though there are some serious issues that are to be overcome, we both agreed that this particular case suited us very well. Now, our file goes to the child's caseworker along with an undetermined amount of others. It could be 3, it could be 3000 other families that are submitted. Then, once we have been selected as a "finalist", new things happen. Until then, we go through this "Here's a kid....want us to submit you" process over and over.
It's just exciting that we're finally IN the game.
......another step
Since we were licensed last week, we've had an appointment to go in to the office and actually read our home-study. That appointment has always been today at 5 pm.
We've been waiting for a couple of months to see what it says. Lori and I think we have the best possible environment for a child. Does a lady that has been doing this for 20 years agree? We're certain that there is nothing "bad" in our study. But I'm sure it's not as good as we perceive it to be. So, we'll go in with an open mind. We know we were licensed.....so nothing in there can be THAT bad.
And then today around 11 am, I got an e-mail from my case worker. She got a file of a little six year old boy and gave us the basic information. So, tonight, as soon as we give our o.k, our file will be in front of his caseworker as the potential "foster parents." The case is such that it will probably be an adoption situation. Because of privacy laws, I hesitate to say much more. He's in CPS custody for some good reasons and even without meeting him, he's got some emotional obstacles to overcome. If it all works out and he gets to stay with us, it's not going to be easy on any of us. But, as far as what we were expecting - to say that Lori and I aren't a little excited and haven't put a few horses before the cart would be silly.
We know this is just the first of possibly hundreds of case files that we'll see. But this is the first and this is a REAL kid that needs our REAL help. It was emotional reading his mini-file to see how he ended up where he is. I called Lori and she got even more emotional. We both caught ourselves quickly and realized we were both at work......and realistically, the chances are still small that we'll ever even meet this child.
But....things are happening. That's all I've wanted from this from the beginning. I write this stuff here to remind myself how much I'm looking forward to the steps that are to come as well as how much I've enjoyed the entire process up to this point.
Yesterday, I took a walk by myself in the woods. A 5 mile hike up and down some pretty rugged country. I took my GPS and did some geo-caching. I did it by myself on purpose. I was scouting to see if I could do it again with a child in tow. I've got such plans for things to come. And, I'm realistic enough to know, my plans may be all thrown to the side to meet whatever challenge we're faced with.
I'm almost glad we got this e-mail today and not last week or yesterday. Here I am again - so excited I don't think I could sleep.
We've been waiting for a couple of months to see what it says. Lori and I think we have the best possible environment for a child. Does a lady that has been doing this for 20 years agree? We're certain that there is nothing "bad" in our study. But I'm sure it's not as good as we perceive it to be. So, we'll go in with an open mind. We know we were licensed.....so nothing in there can be THAT bad.
And then today around 11 am, I got an e-mail from my case worker. She got a file of a little six year old boy and gave us the basic information. So, tonight, as soon as we give our o.k, our file will be in front of his caseworker as the potential "foster parents." The case is such that it will probably be an adoption situation. Because of privacy laws, I hesitate to say much more. He's in CPS custody for some good reasons and even without meeting him, he's got some emotional obstacles to overcome. If it all works out and he gets to stay with us, it's not going to be easy on any of us. But, as far as what we were expecting - to say that Lori and I aren't a little excited and haven't put a few horses before the cart would be silly.
We know this is just the first of possibly hundreds of case files that we'll see. But this is the first and this is a REAL kid that needs our REAL help. It was emotional reading his mini-file to see how he ended up where he is. I called Lori and she got even more emotional. We both caught ourselves quickly and realized we were both at work......and realistically, the chances are still small that we'll ever even meet this child.
But....things are happening. That's all I've wanted from this from the beginning. I write this stuff here to remind myself how much I'm looking forward to the steps that are to come as well as how much I've enjoyed the entire process up to this point.
Yesterday, I took a walk by myself in the woods. A 5 mile hike up and down some pretty rugged country. I took my GPS and did some geo-caching. I did it by myself on purpose. I was scouting to see if I could do it again with a child in tow. I've got such plans for things to come. And, I'm realistic enough to know, my plans may be all thrown to the side to meet whatever challenge we're faced with.
I'm almost glad we got this e-mail today and not last week or yesterday. Here I am again - so excited I don't think I could sleep.
Friday, May 15, 2009
2,632 steps down, 1,498 steps to go.
But - Today is a big step.
It took a lot longer than it should have, but we knew it was going to get done. Today, we officially became licensed. Well....I guess officially that happens on 5/19 when the supervisor signs the license, but our license is sitting on our case-worker's desk.
What does that mean?
Starting today, caseworkers across the state will start getting our file to look at to see if the kid(s) they have might be a good match for us. We are "in the system."
We are officially licensed to take any child between 0 - 10 years old. We have a preference of a boy between 3 and 6, but honestly, we're just ready to get the show on the road. It's been a five month road to this point....hopefully, it won't be much longer.
A little anti-climatic, but still an exciting day.
It took a lot longer than it should have, but we knew it was going to get done. Today, we officially became licensed. Well....I guess officially that happens on 5/19 when the supervisor signs the license, but our license is sitting on our case-worker's desk.
What does that mean?
Starting today, caseworkers across the state will start getting our file to look at to see if the kid(s) they have might be a good match for us. We are "in the system."
We are officially licensed to take any child between 0 - 10 years old. We have a preference of a boy between 3 and 6, but honestly, we're just ready to get the show on the road. It's been a five month road to this point....hopefully, it won't be much longer.
A little anti-climatic, but still an exciting day.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Small Victories
It's been almost two months since I've had an update. It's been a little frustrating over those two months, but honestly not much has happened.
Today, we met with our case worker and she told us that they are still waiting for the company that contracts out the homestudies to send in ours to the state. The lady that did the homestudy over two months ago sent it in three days after she was here. Nobody is sure what the problem is after that. Vacations, approvals, etc. etc. There is really no person to get mad at, call, write.....we just have to be patient. Turns out, nobody from our class is lisenced yet. I feel bad for everybody - not just us. Everybody was so eager and excited when class was over. I know we're still excited.
We did take one class last month that lasted a couple of hours. It was "How to Administer Psycothropic Medication." Every foster parent within e-mail range showed up to our little classroom and it was standing room only. A nurse from CPS did a pretty good job explaining why these kids are on so many medications and it was our responsibility to make sure they should actually be on all of them. Many times, it's a lazy decision to throw another pill on the problem.
But, other than that, there's no news on the western front. Work has been very stressful for Lori and I both. The good news with that is I think we've both made it through a rough patch and we're ready for whatever comes in the summer months.
The quiet two months have us going through fantasy scenerios - Day one - Ikea and Inner Space Caverns (gotta do something fun on day one). Day two - Summer Fun Water Park (We want the kid to like us). Day three - the Zoo (one of my favorite places). Actually....we'll probably space that out over a few weeks. But, we both have places we want to experience with a kid in tow. Two 40-year olds at Summer Fun Water Park is creepy. Throw a kid in and nobody would even notice. We have big plans.....as much as our budget allows us. Even if it's just a short time foster kid, we're looking forward to it.
We went to the Dallas Renaissaince (sp?) Festival last weekend with my brother and his family. Hanging out for the day with three kids wasn't as eye opening as we thought. We're ready. On the way there, Mackenzie, the 4 year old, realized we were getting close and figured out that this looked like something that was going to be fun. I got two comments on the way in - "Uncle Steve - You're a good driver." and "Uncle Steve - You're a good singer" (I was singing along to the radio being goofy). Then, when she wanted to ride the swings and nobody would go with her, I volunteered.
Then I got the compliment that I've been waiting for since she was born. Holding my hand, just the two of us, on the way to the swings, out of earshot of everybody else she gave me:
"Uncle Steve - You're awesome."
We swang until my arms fell off.
Today, we met with our case worker and she told us that they are still waiting for the company that contracts out the homestudies to send in ours to the state. The lady that did the homestudy over two months ago sent it in three days after she was here. Nobody is sure what the problem is after that. Vacations, approvals, etc. etc. There is really no person to get mad at, call, write.....we just have to be patient. Turns out, nobody from our class is lisenced yet. I feel bad for everybody - not just us. Everybody was so eager and excited when class was over. I know we're still excited.
We did take one class last month that lasted a couple of hours. It was "How to Administer Psycothropic Medication." Every foster parent within e-mail range showed up to our little classroom and it was standing room only. A nurse from CPS did a pretty good job explaining why these kids are on so many medications and it was our responsibility to make sure they should actually be on all of them. Many times, it's a lazy decision to throw another pill on the problem.
But, other than that, there's no news on the western front. Work has been very stressful for Lori and I both. The good news with that is I think we've both made it through a rough patch and we're ready for whatever comes in the summer months.
The quiet two months have us going through fantasy scenerios - Day one - Ikea and Inner Space Caverns (gotta do something fun on day one). Day two - Summer Fun Water Park (We want the kid to like us). Day three - the Zoo (one of my favorite places). Actually....we'll probably space that out over a few weeks. But, we both have places we want to experience with a kid in tow. Two 40-year olds at Summer Fun Water Park is creepy. Throw a kid in and nobody would even notice. We have big plans.....as much as our budget allows us. Even if it's just a short time foster kid, we're looking forward to it.
We went to the Dallas Renaissaince (sp?) Festival last weekend with my brother and his family. Hanging out for the day with three kids wasn't as eye opening as we thought. We're ready. On the way there, Mackenzie, the 4 year old, realized we were getting close and figured out that this looked like something that was going to be fun. I got two comments on the way in - "Uncle Steve - You're a good driver." and "Uncle Steve - You're a good singer" (I was singing along to the radio being goofy). Then, when she wanted to ride the swings and nobody would go with her, I volunteered.
Then I got the compliment that I've been waiting for since she was born. Holding my hand, just the two of us, on the way to the swings, out of earshot of everybody else she gave me:
"Uncle Steve - You're awesome."
We swang until my arms fell off.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
And the classes are DONE!
Last night's class was the end of Step 1. Feels like it was more than just one step, but our last class introduced us to what's about to come.....and to be honest, it feels like we're standing on the beach waiting for the hurricane to hit.
Last night was Panel Night and about seven different people came to speak to us that we may or may not be involved in over the next few years. One of our classmates is a manager at Chili's and he brought all kind of food. We (along with another couple) brought enough drinks to float a boat. Our class really came together to throw a party.
First up was a CPS Investigator. He explained what he did and how he would interact with us. His job sounds very stressful. The thing we got the most out of his presentation is that we should be prepared for anything. The whole story doesn't always show up on day one. A lot of couples were concerned because, like us, they have a bed and are set up for a 3-10 year old. But, a lot of us are being licensed for 0-7. He said that as "foster" parents, he may have to place a baby with little to no notice and if we didn't have a car-seat, crib, diapers, etc, he wouldn't leave the child there. We freaked out a little until we remembered - We're going to foster "legal risk" so we'll have a couple of days warning. No matter, we can make due in 30 minutes with a quick trip to Wal-Mart. The investigator seemed like he was really helpful when he dropped off children. But, I'm sure when he's dropping a newborn off at 3 am, he just wants to get home. He was a good introduction to who we were going to be talking to the rest of the night.
Then we talked to a lady from CASA - a volunteer organization that acts as an advocate for the foster kids throughout their experience. They aren't affiliated with CPS, but almost act as a watchdog group over CPS and the foster parents to make sure everybody is playing together nicely. They also show up for court dates. The toughest thing for us was figuring out how each of these panel members would fit in to OUR situation. It was easy to see how they helped with emergency foster sitations.
Next up was a lady from Early Childhood Assistance. Any child under age 3 qualifies for a bunch of free stuff - cereal, food, formula....I'm sure the list goes on. I was concentrating on my mini-burger and cheesecake at that point.
Then we talked to a lady from Conservatorship. She is the liason between the foster families and the birth families. She works out the visitation schedules and makes sure the kids are well taken care of.
Then we talked to someone from Adoption Placement. Once a child has been determined "adoptable", she gets them and helps in the adjustment. She didn't have any contact with birthparents and deals with foster and adoptive families only. If I was on the panel, I think I wanted her job out of all of them. They all seem incredibly stressful, but her's had some happy endings.
Last, we talked to a lady about the paperwork at adoption. A lot of people had questions for her. Turns out, there is a chance that we could get adoption subsidies. That was something we had never heard before.
We found out at the end of class that we're not done yet. We have to read some stuff and take a quiz on AIDS. Then, we have to take a 45 minute class at the end of this month on Psycotropic Medications. Since most, if not all, of the kids are ADHD, we'll probably be dealing with that.
We spent a long time saying goodbye to everyone and we exchanged phone numbers and e-mail addresses so we can all keep in touch with what everybody ends up with when it's all said and done. I don't know how successful we'll be at staying in touch, but I hope we stay in touch with a couple of the couples.
So.....just like that - it's done. No more PRIDE classes. I'll miss Merlene, our co-trainer. And I made sure she knew it, too. Lori and I will probably have her over. At least I hope so.
What's up next? Well....we have to wait for the state of California to do the background check on me. Good news is they cashed the check today. Then we have to take a couple more training classes. Then we have to wait for our homestudy to get approved. I'm excited about that. Carey said we could read it when it came in. I'm anxious to see how we're presented. THEN - we'll be licensed.
Licensed means we wait some more. But, like I've been saying from day one - I'm as excited today as I was when this all started. It's a strange excitement though. I'm not real sure what I'm excited for. I guess it's just standing on the edge, awaiting the unknown. Knowing that we have no idea what's coming. But, now we feel like we're trained well enough to know who to call when we don't know what we're doing.
So far so good.....Updates as things happen.
Last night was Panel Night and about seven different people came to speak to us that we may or may not be involved in over the next few years. One of our classmates is a manager at Chili's and he brought all kind of food. We (along with another couple) brought enough drinks to float a boat. Our class really came together to throw a party.
First up was a CPS Investigator. He explained what he did and how he would interact with us. His job sounds very stressful. The thing we got the most out of his presentation is that we should be prepared for anything. The whole story doesn't always show up on day one. A lot of couples were concerned because, like us, they have a bed and are set up for a 3-10 year old. But, a lot of us are being licensed for 0-7. He said that as "foster" parents, he may have to place a baby with little to no notice and if we didn't have a car-seat, crib, diapers, etc, he wouldn't leave the child there. We freaked out a little until we remembered - We're going to foster "legal risk" so we'll have a couple of days warning. No matter, we can make due in 30 minutes with a quick trip to Wal-Mart. The investigator seemed like he was really helpful when he dropped off children. But, I'm sure when he's dropping a newborn off at 3 am, he just wants to get home. He was a good introduction to who we were going to be talking to the rest of the night.
Then we talked to a lady from CASA - a volunteer organization that acts as an advocate for the foster kids throughout their experience. They aren't affiliated with CPS, but almost act as a watchdog group over CPS and the foster parents to make sure everybody is playing together nicely. They also show up for court dates. The toughest thing for us was figuring out how each of these panel members would fit in to OUR situation. It was easy to see how they helped with emergency foster sitations.
Next up was a lady from Early Childhood Assistance. Any child under age 3 qualifies for a bunch of free stuff - cereal, food, formula....I'm sure the list goes on. I was concentrating on my mini-burger and cheesecake at that point.
Then we talked to a lady from Conservatorship. She is the liason between the foster families and the birth families. She works out the visitation schedules and makes sure the kids are well taken care of.
Then we talked to someone from Adoption Placement. Once a child has been determined "adoptable", she gets them and helps in the adjustment. She didn't have any contact with birthparents and deals with foster and adoptive families only. If I was on the panel, I think I wanted her job out of all of them. They all seem incredibly stressful, but her's had some happy endings.
Last, we talked to a lady about the paperwork at adoption. A lot of people had questions for her. Turns out, there is a chance that we could get adoption subsidies. That was something we had never heard before.
We found out at the end of class that we're not done yet. We have to read some stuff and take a quiz on AIDS. Then, we have to take a 45 minute class at the end of this month on Psycotropic Medications. Since most, if not all, of the kids are ADHD, we'll probably be dealing with that.
We spent a long time saying goodbye to everyone and we exchanged phone numbers and e-mail addresses so we can all keep in touch with what everybody ends up with when it's all said and done. I don't know how successful we'll be at staying in touch, but I hope we stay in touch with a couple of the couples.
So.....just like that - it's done. No more PRIDE classes. I'll miss Merlene, our co-trainer. And I made sure she knew it, too. Lori and I will probably have her over. At least I hope so.
What's up next? Well....we have to wait for the state of California to do the background check on me. Good news is they cashed the check today. Then we have to take a couple more training classes. Then we have to wait for our homestudy to get approved. I'm excited about that. Carey said we could read it when it came in. I'm anxious to see how we're presented. THEN - we'll be licensed.
Licensed means we wait some more. But, like I've been saying from day one - I'm as excited today as I was when this all started. It's a strange excitement though. I'm not real sure what I'm excited for. I guess it's just standing on the edge, awaiting the unknown. Knowing that we have no idea what's coming. But, now we feel like we're trained well enough to know who to call when we don't know what we're doing.
So far so good.....Updates as things happen.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The Home Study
Sunday evening we got the call. It was the lady calling to do our home-study. In the world of adoption/fostering, this is THE APPOINTMENT. Neither Lori and I were too concerned about it, but we kept thinking we should be. I mean - it's important, right? But, we're ready.
We scheduled it for 4 pm so we could take off work early and be here. We were both home by 3 (overachievers) and opened some blinds, vacuumed the carpet, changed clothes......she arrived right on the dot at 4pm. Very nice lady named Crystal.
We got down to business right away. After initial introductions, she wanted to speak with one of us alone first. We chose Lori. I took the dog for a short walk. When I got back, I had some paperwork to fill out (there is a lot of that going on over and over). I sat out on the back porch with the dog while Lori finished her interview questions. The paperwork asked questions about my education, family, previous marriage, etc. Nothing too big. Nothing I haven't already fully disclosed already in this process.
When it was my turn to go in, Lori went out on the patio and filled out her part of the info. Most of the individual questions weren't so bad. Why do I want to foster/adopt? Many questions about my childhood. Am I close with my mom? Am I close with my dad? Am I close with my brother? Did they beat me? Did they fight? Did they drink? Did they molest me? Have I been arrested? Have I done drugs? What was my happiest and saddest memory as a child? What were my expectations of a child in my house? My childhood was a friggen Norman Rockwell painting. I'd go back and do it again if they'd let me. And I know most people wouldn't. It really wasn't hard saying nice things about myself, Lori, and my family. I almost felt guilty that I really didn't have much negative things to say.
Then, it was the dual interview. She didn't tell us, but during our conversation, it was evident that Lori and I were pretty much on the same page and had predicted how each other would answer some questions. So, the dual questionaire was a breeze. Most of the questions had to do with how we would handle discipline, rules, what our expectations were, etc. She also wanted to know how we got along as a couple. Again - I was feeling a little guilty that we don't fight. Our weakness as prospective adoptive parents is the fact that we've never been parents before. Our strength is that we chose to be foster/adoptive parents of a CPS child. We didn't have fertility issues that forced us in to this situation.
It really wasn't like an interview. She had done this for ten years and you could tell she knew exactly what info she needed, let us talk when we felt like we needed to expand on certain questions, then used that info for other questions as well. After a tour of the house to make sure we had all the "required" items in the house (and to compliment us on the color selections of our house) it was over.
Two hours, forty-five minutes. Not bad. To celebrate the completion, we went out to eat. When we were going through the steps to buy both of our houses, all momentus occasions were capped off with a trip out to eat. I figured this called for it.
I was expecting much more intrusive questions. I felt like I came across as a goody two-shoes. But, it's the truth. My previous mariage was discussed in detail. Mostly for the time spent with her kids....but also the story behind the breakup. I tell that story a lot (not near as much as I used to). But, I don't tell it in detail like I did today. It was strange to dig up all those details. Not bad, just strange.
Bottom line is we're ready to be parents. We're happy to be the cool aunt and uncle. But we're ready to be that AND parents now. I gave her my "Now we just go pick up our child tomorrow" joke on the way out the door. She seemed to appreciate it. Still - I'm not kidding. ;)
We scheduled it for 4 pm so we could take off work early and be here. We were both home by 3 (overachievers) and opened some blinds, vacuumed the carpet, changed clothes......she arrived right on the dot at 4pm. Very nice lady named Crystal.
We got down to business right away. After initial introductions, she wanted to speak with one of us alone first. We chose Lori. I took the dog for a short walk. When I got back, I had some paperwork to fill out (there is a lot of that going on over and over). I sat out on the back porch with the dog while Lori finished her interview questions. The paperwork asked questions about my education, family, previous marriage, etc. Nothing too big. Nothing I haven't already fully disclosed already in this process.
When it was my turn to go in, Lori went out on the patio and filled out her part of the info. Most of the individual questions weren't so bad. Why do I want to foster/adopt? Many questions about my childhood. Am I close with my mom? Am I close with my dad? Am I close with my brother? Did they beat me? Did they fight? Did they drink? Did they molest me? Have I been arrested? Have I done drugs? What was my happiest and saddest memory as a child? What were my expectations of a child in my house? My childhood was a friggen Norman Rockwell painting. I'd go back and do it again if they'd let me. And I know most people wouldn't. It really wasn't hard saying nice things about myself, Lori, and my family. I almost felt guilty that I really didn't have much negative things to say.
Then, it was the dual interview. She didn't tell us, but during our conversation, it was evident that Lori and I were pretty much on the same page and had predicted how each other would answer some questions. So, the dual questionaire was a breeze. Most of the questions had to do with how we would handle discipline, rules, what our expectations were, etc. She also wanted to know how we got along as a couple. Again - I was feeling a little guilty that we don't fight. Our weakness as prospective adoptive parents is the fact that we've never been parents before. Our strength is that we chose to be foster/adoptive parents of a CPS child. We didn't have fertility issues that forced us in to this situation.
It really wasn't like an interview. She had done this for ten years and you could tell she knew exactly what info she needed, let us talk when we felt like we needed to expand on certain questions, then used that info for other questions as well. After a tour of the house to make sure we had all the "required" items in the house (and to compliment us on the color selections of our house) it was over.
Two hours, forty-five minutes. Not bad. To celebrate the completion, we went out to eat. When we were going through the steps to buy both of our houses, all momentus occasions were capped off with a trip out to eat. I figured this called for it.
I was expecting much more intrusive questions. I felt like I came across as a goody two-shoes. But, it's the truth. My previous mariage was discussed in detail. Mostly for the time spent with her kids....but also the story behind the breakup. I tell that story a lot (not near as much as I used to). But, I don't tell it in detail like I did today. It was strange to dig up all those details. Not bad, just strange.
Bottom line is we're ready to be parents. We're happy to be the cool aunt and uncle. But we're ready to be that AND parents now. I gave her my "Now we just go pick up our child tomorrow" joke on the way out the door. She seemed to appreciate it. Still - I'm not kidding. ;)
Monday, February 23, 2009
Class 7 - Sexual Abuse - That sucked.
After Saturday's long, but shockingly not so horrible class, we had high hopes that tonight's class wouldn't be as gloomy as expected. We were wrong. What a tough tough subject to cover. Especially when we know we're so close to having to deal with it in "real-time".
We started off by going over three scenarios of real cases and writing down how we felt about the child, the abuser, the parent, etc. Those three cases took up over an hour and a half. We were some angry classmates. I think we all had a hard time wrapping our heads around the fact that this stuff goes on and how often it happens. One of guys in class is a cop and shared some tough stories. One couple has kids from a very tough story about a family member. The rest of us sat in quiet disgust and sadness.
The second half of class went fairly quickly. There wasn't much change in our attitudes....but it went a lot quicker. I did learn a lot about how to handle some very tough situations differently than I would naturally try to handle them. But overall an emotionally, tough, draining session tonight.
On a positive note - Wednesday the case worker is coming for our home-study. To say we aren't nervous would be a lie. And it's an excited nervousness I think. We aren't nervous that we're going to do or say something wrong. It's just is THIS is the 3 hour interview that determines what kind of kids get offered the chance to come and stay with us. THIS is the time that controls how all case workers see and perceive us. Pretty big deal.
Two more classes that seem to be much lighter subjects than a lot of the last 7. It's the home stretch and we're more than ready for it.
We started off by going over three scenarios of real cases and writing down how we felt about the child, the abuser, the parent, etc. Those three cases took up over an hour and a half. We were some angry classmates. I think we all had a hard time wrapping our heads around the fact that this stuff goes on and how often it happens. One of guys in class is a cop and shared some tough stories. One couple has kids from a very tough story about a family member. The rest of us sat in quiet disgust and sadness.
The second half of class went fairly quickly. There wasn't much change in our attitudes....but it went a lot quicker. I did learn a lot about how to handle some very tough situations differently than I would naturally try to handle them. But overall an emotionally, tough, draining session tonight.
On a positive note - Wednesday the case worker is coming for our home-study. To say we aren't nervous would be a lie. And it's an excited nervousness I think. We aren't nervous that we're going to do or say something wrong. It's just is THIS is the 3 hour interview that determines what kind of kids get offered the chance to come and stay with us. THIS is the time that controls how all case workers see and perceive us. Pretty big deal.
Two more classes that seem to be much lighter subjects than a lot of the last 7. It's the home stretch and we're more than ready for it.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
"The Big Class" - Discipline and Behavior
Today we had the class I was dreading. First, it was on Saturday for 8 hours. Second, I couldn't see how this subject matter would in any way be "fun".
But you know what? It was. I didn't know how much I actually LOVE hearing other people telling about their "Whooping" stories. Everybody had a story about how their parents whipped them growing up in one way or another. Some were probably beaten at or close to the level of what would considered to be abuse these days. But everybody told their story and had some humor to add with it. We spent most of the morning laughing.
With Foster Care in CPS - You can NOT physically discipline your kids. Period. Some people in the class have a hard time with that. More than I originally thought. A lot of parents in class already have kids and the threat of spanking is a real consequence for bad behavior. I think everybody understands WHY you can't spank a child who has been physically abused before being placed with you. But a lot of parents have a hard time figuring out alternative ways.
I felt like this was right in my wheelhouse. Maybe it's because I'm still "Uncle Steve" and don't have kids of my own. But, I was proud of the questions that Lori and I had that "real" parents commented on. At one point, a couple that we have become friends with told us during a break that he thought we were going to be excellent parents. We think we are, too. But to hear that from someone that I have learned to respect as a parent was cool.
We didn't have as many activities today. We all participated as a class instead of individual groups of 2 or 4. I like the classroom discussions more. I get a LOT more out of the REAL situations that some of these parents have already been through rather than trudging through the printed material. Marlene (our co-instructor) opened up a lot more about her past with foster-care. That really has been the most helpful part of all of this for all of us I think. I think our case-worker, Carry, has REALLY improved since the first class. I think it helps to know our little inside jokes, who to rely on for the answer she is looking for, the joke she knows in coming. I feel like we're a little more connected than we were. We even cracked some jokes about the uncomfortable situations that have popped up in previous classes. I thought they would have avoided it, but they hit it head on. I'm glad about that.
I'm glad to get the "Big" class out of the way. That's been looming large on our calendar for some time now. Only two more REAL classes left - Sexual Abuse and Preparing for Change. Then, the last Monday night is Panel Night. That's a class I'm really looking forward to.
Then give me a dang kid! No. After that, or maybe even before, our "home-study" starts. I think I'm looking forward to that. But, quite frankly, I just want them to give me a kid. I thought at this stage we would discover that there's a lot more we need to know before we're actually ready. Now, I think we're as ready as we can possibly be. We know we don't know everything. But I don't think there is much more we can learn before we're thrown to the wolves.
Can you hear the excitement in my typing? I'm just as excited today as I was when we decided to start doing this.
But you know what? It was. I didn't know how much I actually LOVE hearing other people telling about their "Whooping" stories. Everybody had a story about how their parents whipped them growing up in one way or another. Some were probably beaten at or close to the level of what would considered to be abuse these days. But everybody told their story and had some humor to add with it. We spent most of the morning laughing.
With Foster Care in CPS - You can NOT physically discipline your kids. Period. Some people in the class have a hard time with that. More than I originally thought. A lot of parents in class already have kids and the threat of spanking is a real consequence for bad behavior. I think everybody understands WHY you can't spank a child who has been physically abused before being placed with you. But a lot of parents have a hard time figuring out alternative ways.
I felt like this was right in my wheelhouse. Maybe it's because I'm still "Uncle Steve" and don't have kids of my own. But, I was proud of the questions that Lori and I had that "real" parents commented on. At one point, a couple that we have become friends with told us during a break that he thought we were going to be excellent parents. We think we are, too. But to hear that from someone that I have learned to respect as a parent was cool.
We didn't have as many activities today. We all participated as a class instead of individual groups of 2 or 4. I like the classroom discussions more. I get a LOT more out of the REAL situations that some of these parents have already been through rather than trudging through the printed material. Marlene (our co-instructor) opened up a lot more about her past with foster-care. That really has been the most helpful part of all of this for all of us I think. I think our case-worker, Carry, has REALLY improved since the first class. I think it helps to know our little inside jokes, who to rely on for the answer she is looking for, the joke she knows in coming. I feel like we're a little more connected than we were. We even cracked some jokes about the uncomfortable situations that have popped up in previous classes. I thought they would have avoided it, but they hit it head on. I'm glad about that.
I'm glad to get the "Big" class out of the way. That's been looming large on our calendar for some time now. Only two more REAL classes left - Sexual Abuse and Preparing for Change. Then, the last Monday night is Panel Night. That's a class I'm really looking forward to.
Then give me a dang kid! No. After that, or maybe even before, our "home-study" starts. I think I'm looking forward to that. But, quite frankly, I just want them to give me a kid. I thought at this stage we would discover that there's a lot more we need to know before we're actually ready. Now, I think we're as ready as we can possibly be. We know we don't know everything. But I don't think there is much more we can learn before we're thrown to the wolves.
Can you hear the excitement in my typing? I'm just as excited today as I was when we decided to start doing this.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Paperwork - Check
Monday was President's Day, so there was no class. However, since we all needed to take a CPR class, we had one organized and eight of us went and did it. It was fun. The lady that taught it did it in a custom built room off of her house. She was funny - Redneck Teachin' is what she called it. We enjoyed her stories and while she did everything by the book to make sure we were "legal" we didn't spend a lot of time gabbing about things that weren't really practical to our situation.
That out of the way, we pushed to get everything copied and put in our file. The last thing was done today - a copy of my dog's vet records. We think that's it. We're pretty much done till the end of class (as far as we know). It really wasn't that difficult. We're SO ready for the home-study now.
We have our big eight hour course this Saturday - Discipline and Behavior Problems. This is the one that nobody looks forward to. Then we have another class Monday night. Sexual Abuse. Another bummer topic. But - every step is a step forward. We're enjoying our classmates more and more. Something I didn't think would happen after the first couple of weeks.
That out of the way, we pushed to get everything copied and put in our file. The last thing was done today - a copy of my dog's vet records. We think that's it. We're pretty much done till the end of class (as far as we know). It really wasn't that difficult. We're SO ready for the home-study now.
We have our big eight hour course this Saturday - Discipline and Behavior Problems. This is the one that nobody looks forward to. Then we have another class Monday night. Sexual Abuse. Another bummer topic. But - every step is a step forward. We're enjoying our classmates more and more. Something I didn't think would happen after the first couple of weeks.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Class 5 - Strengthen Family Relationships
Tonight was a pretty good class. We seem to get smaller and smaller each week. There are 11 of us now. We're bonding a lot more and there are a lot more personal stories being shared. We raced through the agenda and a lot of the class was spent with a lot of stories of what people had been through.
Marlene, our co-instructor, has been invaluable I think. She has fostered so many children, when someone has a question, it usually ends with a "What did you do Marlene?" And to her credit, she usually had to deal with the topic we are talking about in some credit and always shares. And tonight she brought up obscure problems. Sort of a "something to consider that you may not think about...." type problems.
At one point tonight, we had to role-play. Our scenario was of a 15 year old girl named Michelle who had been molested by her mom's boyfriend and put in a foster home. She was being coaxed by her foster mom to go to a visit with the birthmom. We had to act out a scene. Lori played the mother. Of course, I played Michelle. I did a lot of eye rolling and "whatevah"'s. We did pretty good. Sometimes I worry that we're a little dominating in our group. I don't know if Tammy and John mind so much. But I worry.
Next week we're off and then the Saturday following that we have an 8 hour class on Discipline. I can't say I'm looking forward to it. But....one more step. In the meantime, we're going to try to do CPR class, I have to get tested for TB, and a couple of other paperwork visits. I have to take an online class on Medical Consent Training. I'm probably doing that right after I finish this entry.
Marlene, our co-instructor, has been invaluable I think. She has fostered so many children, when someone has a question, it usually ends with a "What did you do Marlene?" And to her credit, she usually had to deal with the topic we are talking about in some credit and always shares. And tonight she brought up obscure problems. Sort of a "something to consider that you may not think about...." type problems.
At one point tonight, we had to role-play. Our scenario was of a 15 year old girl named Michelle who had been molested by her mom's boyfriend and put in a foster home. She was being coaxed by her foster mom to go to a visit with the birthmom. We had to act out a scene. Lori played the mother. Of course, I played Michelle. I did a lot of eye rolling and "whatevah"'s. We did pretty good. Sometimes I worry that we're a little dominating in our group. I don't know if Tammy and John mind so much. But I worry.
Next week we're off and then the Saturday following that we have an 8 hour class on Discipline. I can't say I'm looking forward to it. But....one more step. In the meantime, we're going to try to do CPR class, I have to get tested for TB, and a couple of other paperwork visits. I have to take an online class on Medical Consent Training. I'm probably doing that right after I finish this entry.
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