It's getting "Real"

I'm at a crossroads for this blog. I started it to have a place for me to write because it's one of my best coping methods. I write for me.....sometimes people read it. I'm to the point at this conversation that I NEED to write, but we're so close to the door to this that I don't want to say too much. So....I'm going to write and not post it. Once I can, I'll publish it.

Monday, we found out that we were submitted for "two boys - 5 and 6 years old". The caseworker for the boys wants us to meet them on Saturday. We had very little information on them. No problems......happy and healthy. Seems too good to be true, right?

kinda.

The kids aren't two boys - it's a 6 year old boy and a 5 year old girl. They are in therapy and have definite "problems". We requested some info and got the therapist's assessments. Nothing we can't handle. Some totally understandable problems that any kid their age would have after going through what they've been through.

Here's the twist - tonight was the first time I've heard my wife "worry" that we aren't equipped to handle this. So, tonight we had the first HARD conversation about this whole process that we've had. We've had "serious" discussions about all of this, but it's always been something that we were working towards. It was comfortably in the future.

Tonight was the first time, for my wife especially, that it's here. We're REALLY going to become parents soon. And not just to one kid. It appears it will be for TWO kids. And yesterday, it was better, for her, because it was two little boys. She has mother/daughter issues with her own mother. She is concerned that it will carry over.

She's scared. It's to be expected. She is focusing on the negatives of what this could bring instead of thinking about both. It's a little overwhelming for anyone to go from no kids to two kids in no time. To add some emotional problems and challenges with the kids is just piling on. We had to ask each other the tough questions and really consider if we were REALLY ready for this. We talked about how we each are going to change, how our daily lives will change forever. Some of that we're going to miss. A lot of it we're going to miss. But.....a lot we ARENT going to miss.

Bottom line is, I think we've worked out the doubts. We've never doubted that we're ready and these two kids would succeed in our home.....we just want to make sure we're being honest enough to give the kids AND us a fair chance. Without our marriage staying strong, there is no chance. I think Lori was a little annoyed that I was happy we were having an emotional conversation.

I'm uber excited. I'm scared too. But I don't have the doubt that Lori has always had. But, I watch Lori with other kids, especially my nieces and nephew. They IDOLIZE her. She handles them SO well and she doesn't even consider it "handling" them like a parent. She's just being her. She's an only child, so she doesn't think she'll know how to handle fights between the two kids. She knows how. She just doesn't know that she does. She does it all the time.

So....on Saturday, we're going to meet these two kids. At least that's the plan. We still need to talk to their case worker to find out exactly how its going to work. I think he's so connected to them that he wants to see how we interact. If things go well.....and I guess even if they don't....then in a couple of weeks, they're going to come here for an overnight visit.....then we'll see where it goes from there. The case worker wants to keep it slow. I'm all for that. But if I meet the kids, I want to make sure they eventually know that our intent is to keep them forever. I don't think it's fair to parade them in front of a bunch of people.

More later. I'm tired. Long day. Exciting. It keeps getting more. On Saturday, there is a better than good chance I will be meeting my eventual new son and daughter. It really is an overwhelming thought. Parents go a lifetime wishing they had a little boy and girl. We're just going about it a little differently.

I totally understand why Lori is scared. Any parent not scared shouldn't be a parent.