Class 3 - Attachment

We didn't have class last week because of MLK day. So, it was tough getting back into the swing of things. There was a new person in class tonight and one couple didn't show. Lori thinks they might have dropped out. I hope not. I liked them. I think they were pushing for a newborn though.

So - tonight was the first night that we haven't come home excited after a class. It was just a rough subject. Talking about how the birthparents neglect and abuse their kids is very wearing. I'm sure it's a bit different once we get to talking about specific kids. I'm hoping the excitement of getting a kid in the door kind of tempers any ill will we'll have toward the birth parents. I think I'm well equipped. Lori? notsomuch. She wears her emotions on her face and sleeve. She can't hide what she feels EVER. She had a hard time in class doing the role playing when we had to play the part of the birth mother. She didn't really want to even participate. We talked about it a little but other factors in the class distracted us.

We got home to my inlaws in the middle of a big fight. That was probably the last thing we needed tonight. They can fight all they want. I'm just not sure I want to see it. I think it's getting more frequent. I dont' know if they're more comfortable around us that they think its o.k. for us to see.......or if they just can't keep it behind closed doors anymore. It upset Lori a little. It's the same thing she's been upset about for years. We talked about how that needs to be resolved if we bring a child in the house. Lori's mom is a lot like Lori. She can't really hide how she feels. That's fine for adults to deal with, but with a child, she can't just say what she wants because she's "earned that right." It's a conversation I'm not looking forward to having ever.....but I probably will have to at some point. Not a huge deal. I think they are both equipped better than 99% of prospective grandparents. I'm hoping they're discussing the same thing I'm typing about right now at this moment.

We got our paperwork concerning the health and fire inspections of our house. We'll probably be doing that this week or next. I have to get some odds and ends - safety plugs for all the outlets, a fire extinguisher, something to lock our medicines up with. I'm kind of looking forward to that part of it.

I feel like we're getting more and more ready as time goes on. It used to be that we'd talk about what would happen when we had a kid in the house and the story always included the "perfect baby" and how things would be perfect. We're beyond that now. Now, when we play out that little fantasy, the fictional child isnt exactly perfect anymore. We're preparing ourselves for what's to come. I think we've both come to realize that this is going to be way more intense than just being parents of a newborn. This is going to be trying to fit together pieces of a puzzle for a child that's had his pieces allllll jacked up. Our challenges are going to be different than the challenges of JUST being a new parent. We'll have to deal with that AND the challenges that the child is bringing from his or her past.

I'm still struggling internally with the foster or adopt part. I just want as much information before I meet the child. Fostering gives me very little. Adoption gives me everything. Lori hasn't really shared my concerns to this point. Luckily, we don't have to decide until way later.

Its been a long night. Next week's class is "Loss" I think. Not something to really look forward to. But....we'll trudge on through.

Class 2 - Teamwork

When we got home from class last night we were both tired. Lori's parents come over and "babysit" the dog while we are at class and when we get home, we get to give them the replay of class. I enjoyed this class SO much more than the first. We got to interact more with the other families and the information that we got was much more REAL (phone numbers, what assistance we are entitled to, etc) as opposed to "Adoption = Love" type emotional stuff.

One of the "Teamwork" activities put my puzzle solving abilities to work. We split up into two teams. Each team (8 people) had to stand on a blanket. The goal was to turn the blanket upside down without stepping off of it. The other team was in a circle and they took 3 minutes or so to do it their way. We started doing it that way...but after the first couple of seconds, I figured it out. I had them stand in a straight line on the blanket. Twisted one end and stepped onto the backwards part. Lady behind me did the same thing. We were done in 20 seconds. I don't think our teacher thought we did it right. So, we did it again. The goal was to show teamwork and I think we did. But more importantly, we broke a record. Wait. Maybe teamwork was more important.

During our break, we went across the street to get a drink and talked with another couple who has adopted 3 kids from "family" (they didn't want to say who exactly). This "family" just had another baby that they want to foster until he is 2 (for financial reasons) so they have to take the class. They know as much if not more than anybody in the class about adoption and fostering. Their journey to get where they are is fascinating. We quizzed the assistant teacher more on her fostering stories and got some good information.

The class itself isn't as interesting as being in the room with 10 other couples that are all anxiously awaiting a child in their house. I think our instructor understands that. Sometimes, I think she wants us to ask more questions and for the most part, this group is a little shy and doesn't want to talk. But, I think we did a lot better this time around than last time.

Next week is a holiday so there isn't another class for 2 weeks. Part of my homework is to list all the places I have lived since I was 18. That's 9 places. My parents, 3 apartments, then California, then with Mark, apartment with Lori, then our two houses. Out of those 9 places, I know four of the addresses. So....I get to research the dates and addresses for five places. Should be fun.

I've started working on the "Lifebook" and our "Family Album". Throughout the class, I have been struggling about if I should be just an "Adoption Only" or a "Adopt/Foster Legal Risk". The goal is to adopt. And if we only adopt, we are afraid we could be waiting for months and/or years to find the right match. It's not knowing how long it takes that makes us waiver. We have labeled ourselves "Adopt/Foster Legal Risk" to speed the process along. My wife is almost certain that the latter is what we need to do. After talking last night in class, I'm not so sure. I think the class is pushing for Foster parents. I think they have plenty of people that want to adopt. But, I think we are one of those "overachiever" families. I think, when this is all said and done, we have the perfect home, perfect situation, and perfect attitude that ALL CPS caseworkers would want to send their kids to. I asked if anyone had put their Family Albums online and the instructor didn't quite understand. I think an online album would be the BEST way to show a child about our family. It's quick, they won't lose it, and it can be updated easily. It's little ideas like that that make me think I have a better chance at this than most families that are going through the motions.

And if we foster a legal risk child, I think there are risk we haven't fully explored yet. We keep hearing that sometimes they have to place a child quickly. Lori and I would JUMP at the first opportunity. I know we would. We would tell ourselves "don't get too attached at first - we're just fostering. We don't HAVE to adopt the first kid that falls in our lap." But, really - I can't see either one of us parting ways after having a child stay with us for a couple of weeks. If we did, I think we both would be heartbroken beyond belief.

As we get closer to the end of class, we need to discuss it further. The good thing is, we don't have to decide for a long time.

Class 1 - Connections

Tonight we had our first PRIDE class. Including us there are 5 couples and a mother/daughter team (her husband is a soldier in Iraq). So, 12 of us total. Our teacher is the same lady we've been working with from the beginning, Cary, which is a good thing. The volunteer co-teacher is a lady who has fostered and adopted many children. I think her name is Marilynn or something like that. I like them both a lot.

Tonight's class was very much an "introduction" to what's to come. A lot of questions were answered with "We'll cover a lot more of that next time." We did some "getting to know you" games and a lot of expectations were set. I can't say I learned a lot, but I did get a lot out of it.

At one point we watched a video (from like 1980) about fostering/adopting. After it was over we discussed it. Marilynn conveyed a story about a baby she fostered for six years. She told how the baby overcame some early abuse and right before she was going to adopt him, a grandfather who never knew he had a grandson came out of nowhere and although she didn't have to, she gave him up. I spoke up and asked how hard that was. We all teared up when she talked about how hard it was. It hit home for all of us that this isn't just any kind of foster/adoption happy family process.

On the way out of the door I asked, "So I just pick up a kid at the front desk now?" Good thing they knew I was joking. So far so good. I'm really excited to get to the meat-and-potato part of this - the homestudy. I think that's where we will excell. I can't imagine any case worker coming into our home and with the exception of a couple of easily corrected baby-dangers (firepoker at the fireplace and some small odds and ends) we have the situation that is IDEAL in every way. I'm trying not to be cocky about it because I know some case worker could come in and knock me on my butt about it. But, I don't think it will happen.

I found out we'll have to make a "photo album" of us and our house and our situation and hobbies and family. That's right up my alley. They want it to "stand out" from the rest. No problem. Maybe I can figure out a way to add christmas lights and batteries.

One down - seven to go.