Class 3 - Attachment

We didn't have class last week because of MLK day. So, it was tough getting back into the swing of things. There was a new person in class tonight and one couple didn't show. Lori thinks they might have dropped out. I hope not. I liked them. I think they were pushing for a newborn though.

So - tonight was the first night that we haven't come home excited after a class. It was just a rough subject. Talking about how the birthparents neglect and abuse their kids is very wearing. I'm sure it's a bit different once we get to talking about specific kids. I'm hoping the excitement of getting a kid in the door kind of tempers any ill will we'll have toward the birth parents. I think I'm well equipped. Lori? notsomuch. She wears her emotions on her face and sleeve. She can't hide what she feels EVER. She had a hard time in class doing the role playing when we had to play the part of the birth mother. She didn't really want to even participate. We talked about it a little but other factors in the class distracted us.

We got home to my inlaws in the middle of a big fight. That was probably the last thing we needed tonight. They can fight all they want. I'm just not sure I want to see it. I think it's getting more frequent. I dont' know if they're more comfortable around us that they think its o.k. for us to see.......or if they just can't keep it behind closed doors anymore. It upset Lori a little. It's the same thing she's been upset about for years. We talked about how that needs to be resolved if we bring a child in the house. Lori's mom is a lot like Lori. She can't really hide how she feels. That's fine for adults to deal with, but with a child, she can't just say what she wants because she's "earned that right." It's a conversation I'm not looking forward to having ever.....but I probably will have to at some point. Not a huge deal. I think they are both equipped better than 99% of prospective grandparents. I'm hoping they're discussing the same thing I'm typing about right now at this moment.

We got our paperwork concerning the health and fire inspections of our house. We'll probably be doing that this week or next. I have to get some odds and ends - safety plugs for all the outlets, a fire extinguisher, something to lock our medicines up with. I'm kind of looking forward to that part of it.

I feel like we're getting more and more ready as time goes on. It used to be that we'd talk about what would happen when we had a kid in the house and the story always included the "perfect baby" and how things would be perfect. We're beyond that now. Now, when we play out that little fantasy, the fictional child isnt exactly perfect anymore. We're preparing ourselves for what's to come. I think we've both come to realize that this is going to be way more intense than just being parents of a newborn. This is going to be trying to fit together pieces of a puzzle for a child that's had his pieces allllll jacked up. Our challenges are going to be different than the challenges of JUST being a new parent. We'll have to deal with that AND the challenges that the child is bringing from his or her past.

I'm still struggling internally with the foster or adopt part. I just want as much information before I meet the child. Fostering gives me very little. Adoption gives me everything. Lori hasn't really shared my concerns to this point. Luckily, we don't have to decide until way later.

Its been a long night. Next week's class is "Loss" I think. Not something to really look forward to. But....we'll trudge on through.

Class 2 - Teamwork

When we got home from class last night we were both tired. Lori's parents come over and "babysit" the dog while we are at class and when we get home, we get to give them the replay of class. I enjoyed this class SO much more than the first. We got to interact more with the other families and the information that we got was much more REAL (phone numbers, what assistance we are entitled to, etc) as opposed to "Adoption = Love" type emotional stuff.

One of the "Teamwork" activities put my puzzle solving abilities to work. We split up into two teams. Each team (8 people) had to stand on a blanket. The goal was to turn the blanket upside down without stepping off of it. The other team was in a circle and they took 3 minutes or so to do it their way. We started doing it that way...but after the first couple of seconds, I figured it out. I had them stand in a straight line on the blanket. Twisted one end and stepped onto the backwards part. Lady behind me did the same thing. We were done in 20 seconds. I don't think our teacher thought we did it right. So, we did it again. The goal was to show teamwork and I think we did. But more importantly, we broke a record. Wait. Maybe teamwork was more important.

During our break, we went across the street to get a drink and talked with another couple who has adopted 3 kids from "family" (they didn't want to say who exactly). This "family" just had another baby that they want to foster until he is 2 (for financial reasons) so they have to take the class. They know as much if not more than anybody in the class about adoption and fostering. Their journey to get where they are is fascinating. We quizzed the assistant teacher more on her fostering stories and got some good information.

The class itself isn't as interesting as being in the room with 10 other couples that are all anxiously awaiting a child in their house. I think our instructor understands that. Sometimes, I think she wants us to ask more questions and for the most part, this group is a little shy and doesn't want to talk. But, I think we did a lot better this time around than last time.

Next week is a holiday so there isn't another class for 2 weeks. Part of my homework is to list all the places I have lived since I was 18. That's 9 places. My parents, 3 apartments, then California, then with Mark, apartment with Lori, then our two houses. Out of those 9 places, I know four of the addresses. So....I get to research the dates and addresses for five places. Should be fun.

I've started working on the "Lifebook" and our "Family Album". Throughout the class, I have been struggling about if I should be just an "Adoption Only" or a "Adopt/Foster Legal Risk". The goal is to adopt. And if we only adopt, we are afraid we could be waiting for months and/or years to find the right match. It's not knowing how long it takes that makes us waiver. We have labeled ourselves "Adopt/Foster Legal Risk" to speed the process along. My wife is almost certain that the latter is what we need to do. After talking last night in class, I'm not so sure. I think the class is pushing for Foster parents. I think they have plenty of people that want to adopt. But, I think we are one of those "overachiever" families. I think, when this is all said and done, we have the perfect home, perfect situation, and perfect attitude that ALL CPS caseworkers would want to send their kids to. I asked if anyone had put their Family Albums online and the instructor didn't quite understand. I think an online album would be the BEST way to show a child about our family. It's quick, they won't lose it, and it can be updated easily. It's little ideas like that that make me think I have a better chance at this than most families that are going through the motions.

And if we foster a legal risk child, I think there are risk we haven't fully explored yet. We keep hearing that sometimes they have to place a child quickly. Lori and I would JUMP at the first opportunity. I know we would. We would tell ourselves "don't get too attached at first - we're just fostering. We don't HAVE to adopt the first kid that falls in our lap." But, really - I can't see either one of us parting ways after having a child stay with us for a couple of weeks. If we did, I think we both would be heartbroken beyond belief.

As we get closer to the end of class, we need to discuss it further. The good thing is, we don't have to decide for a long time.

Class 1 - Connections

Tonight we had our first PRIDE class. Including us there are 5 couples and a mother/daughter team (her husband is a soldier in Iraq). So, 12 of us total. Our teacher is the same lady we've been working with from the beginning, Cary, which is a good thing. The volunteer co-teacher is a lady who has fostered and adopted many children. I think her name is Marilynn or something like that. I like them both a lot.

Tonight's class was very much an "introduction" to what's to come. A lot of questions were answered with "We'll cover a lot more of that next time." We did some "getting to know you" games and a lot of expectations were set. I can't say I learned a lot, but I did get a lot out of it.

At one point we watched a video (from like 1980) about fostering/adopting. After it was over we discussed it. Marilynn conveyed a story about a baby she fostered for six years. She told how the baby overcame some early abuse and right before she was going to adopt him, a grandfather who never knew he had a grandson came out of nowhere and although she didn't have to, she gave him up. I spoke up and asked how hard that was. We all teared up when she talked about how hard it was. It hit home for all of us that this isn't just any kind of foster/adoption happy family process.

On the way out of the door I asked, "So I just pick up a kid at the front desk now?" Good thing they knew I was joking. So far so good. I'm really excited to get to the meat-and-potato part of this - the homestudy. I think that's where we will excell. I can't imagine any case worker coming into our home and with the exception of a couple of easily corrected baby-dangers (firepoker at the fireplace and some small odds and ends) we have the situation that is IDEAL in every way. I'm trying not to be cocky about it because I know some case worker could come in and knock me on my butt about it. But, I don't think it will happen.

I found out we'll have to make a "photo album" of us and our house and our situation and hobbies and family. That's right up my alley. They want it to "stand out" from the rest. No problem. Maybe I can figure out a way to add christmas lights and batteries.

One down - seven to go.

Seven

I called our instructor for the classes today and left a message to confirm that we will be there next Monday. She called me back and left me a message - something about her supervisor wanting to change the "age" thing.

On the scale of panic, this was a 2. But it was more than 1 and that sucks. I jumped to a conclusion that we were too old to be adoptive parents. Of course, that's not true, but for fifteen minutes there, I thought it might be. Turns out, there are so many families requesting small children, that they are only accepting applicants for age seven and under. We had said five and under.

Doesn't mean we won't get a two year old - but now me might get a seven year old. That's fine. Again - I just want to be a parent. The reason for the age range we chose is because of school and habits. We're just giving ourselves the best chance to instill our morals and values before the child is old enough to develop some of his peers.

But....my panic is back down to a zero. We're all set. Let's get on with it!

Approved and Public

Christmas has come and gone. The day before Christmas, we got our "approval" for the PRIDE classes in the mail. The approval alone wasn't a big deal. But it did mean that we were committed to going to the classes and that we needed to tell our parents what was going on since we will be unavailable on Monday nights for the next several weeks.

We told my family first over Christmas dinner. My mother acted as if Lori was pregnant and we had to explain what it was that we were announcing. They are happy for us. My brother's daughter, Mackenzie, is their pride and joy and because of the situation of them taking care of her, I don't think any child we bring into this world or adopt would break that bond. Hell....I don't want to. But, Mackenzie represents so many things for my brother and sister-in-law and my parents. This adoption is for Lori and I. I was glad that my family accepted it like they did. Betty works with older foster kids at school and was concerned about that. She thought it was good that we're focusing on younger children.

Today we went over to Lori's parents to see her aunt, uncle, and cousin that I'd never met and she hasn't seen in over 10 years. It went well. After they left to go back to Austin, Lori felt it was a good time to tell them. I was ready to leave, but any move forward in any way is a good thing. So, we announced it.

My mother-in-law.....it's a long story. She doesn't react in what society calls "expected." Lori is her main priority and to think any different, even though Lori vehemently denies it, would be silly. Lori is an only child by design. Lori is a strong independent woman - but Lori's mom views her as a small child with a deadly illness. Lori isn't sick. Lori has the same aches and pains as just about all of us. Just because she takes a pill for her thyroid doesn't mean she's dying.

Lori's mom's first question (after a brief dramatic pause) was "Have you two discussed this?" I think what she was really saying was "Why haven't you discussed this with me before now?" She's worried that we're going to get a newborn with medical expenses that will sink us all. She's worried that we don't know what to expect. She's worried that her daughter will break down physically at some point and she'll have to (and a little part wants to) take care of the baby/toddler/young person/teen.....whatever.

It took awhile, but we got there. Thirty minutes later I think we satisfactorily answered all her questions. The bottom line is, we have no excuses for NOT doing this. We have the house, we work close to home with accommodating jobs, we are just ready. I've been happy with the gusto Lori has in all of this. She's not just ready, she's READY.

January 5th is our first class. That's a week from tomorrow. I'm super excited.

Quiet Friday Night

A quiet Friday night. It's been a week of a lot of research and excited energy about this whole thing. I can't really say I'm nervous about it at all. I think Lori is. She has a lot of questions about her abilities to be a mother I think. Not if she would be a good mother - just if she can physically handle it.

She can. She just has questions about it. I always knew we'd get here. I just never wanted to push Lori into it. It's the thing I'm the most sensitive about. Just because I want it doesn't mean WE want it. But, I think she's let herself become ready for it. I know I'm ready for it. Everybody knows I'm ready for it. I don't keep it much of a secret.

And keeping this thing a secret is tough for me. I'm SO freakin excited that I can't NOT tell people. It's easier for me not to tell my family and Lori's family. If they knew, they'd be SO supportive. I'm just not sure if we need support at this moment. Later on, I'm sure we'll need tons. I'm happy to go this part of the journey alone with my wife for now.

Our application is in (as of Wednesday) and we are patiently waiting for our notification that we are included in the classes starting January 5th. If they'd let me do it online, I'd be done by Sunday. Let's just get to the homestudy so we can move forward. Lori and I know what we have to offer in the way of us, our house, our families, our values and frankly, I don't know anybody else that has more to offer or wants it more.

We already know we can do this and we'll do it with flying colors. And, honestly, I'm patient. I'm really excited to go through every step. I'm already prepared as I can be for the hard parts of this. Lori is worried that something will happen halfway through that will take us back to step one. I can't imagine what it would be, but I'm ready for it.

As ready as I can be I guess.

Part 2 - The first Meeting

......and here we go.

Tonight we went to the local CPS office (all of a mile from our house) to attend an informational meeting on what is involved in becoming a foster/adoptive parent. We really didn't know what to expect. We figured it would be a lady with forms that was pissed off to be there so late telling us to call back tomorrow for real information.

Instead, it was very positive. There were about 15 couples (and some single folks) filling this room. Two of the case workers from CPS, one foster parent, and one lady from a private adoption agency were there and had a video and presentation. I learned that there are a lot more people interested in doing a lot more than just adopting.

One couple behind us had adopted 6 kids already and had let their licensing lapse and were just there to go through the training courses again. They are interested in adopting a sibling group of three. Then possibly another one. Another couple was interested in just a brand new baby. Another couple just wanted to foster. The CPS workers really seemed to push fostering. Almost like adoption was just another option.

We really liked the two CPS workers though. I think we would both be happy to work with them in some fashion. One of them is teaching the classes (called PRIDE) over an 11 week period starting on January 5th. Ten three-hour classes and an eight hour class mixed in. Then several inspections of our home. Then a home study. I sat in the meeting thinking my wife was getting overwhelmed. I expected her to grab my arm and lead me out of there.

But that didn't happen. She is actually more excited than before the meeting. It all seems doable. It's real now. We're doing this. We're going to spend some time filling out the application and trying to register for the classes starting tomorrow. The next big question I guess is - What do we want to be licensed for?

We thought, before the meeting, that it would be "Adoption Only". If they want to plop a brand new baby in our laps, we're ready, right? They have hundreds of babies just waiting to be picked up.....and in this economy, it's a buyers market. Turns out - no. It's rare that they have newborns that are placed. You could almost feel the frustration of the couple to our left. But Lori and I are much more open minded I think. If there is a two, three, or four year old - I think we'd both be fine with that. We want to be parents. If the "diaper run" time is a bit short or non-existent, I don't think we'll shed to many tears.

No. I think we both realized it when we heard them mention it. "Foster/Adoptive with Legal Risk children." Because we don't have any parenting experience, fostering will greatly increase our chances of having a child placed with us. Eighty percent of fostered children are adopted by the foster parents. Legal Risk children are children with a low chance of being returned to their birth parents (or extended family) for one reason or another. We would still have to foster a child for a minimum of six months, but after the parental rights were terminated, chances are, we could adopt quicker.

At least thats my understanding of it. There was a lot of information thrown out for specific cases that didn't have anything to do with our own. Out of state kids, teen kids, special needs kids and the assistance associated with them.

So....two steps down - 998 to go. Now it's off to fill out paperwork. From what I understand, I'll be doing a lot of that for the next six to ten months.