Where do I put this? How do I deal with this? What do I do with this?
Here I am. Reverting to an old way that I deal with things. I type them. Not really talking to anyone in particular but talking to anyone that wants to listen. It's strange looking back on this blog from the beginning. And the two post after when the stress hit with the beginning's of Dalton's mental illness. Clues I guess. Here's the update:
Dalton's conditioned worsened last year and he took his "fits" public. He used to care what other people thought of him and he reserved his fits for behind closed doors. Then, something changed and he accepted himself as a bad kid and started acting out in public. The first time was at an air show what we went to every year. We liked the fireworks. Dalton did. Except this year they scared him because they were closer I guess. On the way out he ran from us. He ran to the planes and started hitting them. That got the attention of the cops. Ten minutes later, he's lying on his back with seven police officers holding him down. Spitting and cussing and screaming. A night in the hospital and a ten day trip to the mental hospital. A few months later at a rock concert (something we had done before). Looking back, I think, "How in the hell did we go to a rock concert?" Truth was, it was great until it wasn't. Towards "the end" it got really bad. For about four months he was contained in the house. No trips at all except to school and even that became impossible. He tried to kill a kid one day with a shovel he got ahold of. He ran often. The goal was to go to jail or "juvi". He succeeded one day by pulling the fire alarm at school. He put one teacher in the hospital with a torn ACL.
We turned to the community when the state failed us with assistance. I was offered day therapy - in Lubbock - which is six hours away. We were able to get in front of a community board that helped cases like ours. They gave us a list of about six things they wanted us to do for Dalton. A special neurological exam was on the list. They don't do that exam around here. Have to go to Austin. There's the problem. Nobody understood. I couldn't take him in the car anywhere for more than thirty minutes. I was worried he would jump or attack. No way I was taking him myself. No way I was taking him an hour away from home without an armed guard. No joke. It was that serious. After a month the board dismissed our case because we "wouldn't participate." Very frustrating. They wouldn't listen to our situation. They knew better I guess. CPS understood, but they could do nothing. They had no money to do anything. The meetings at CPS started and the option of turning him over to the state was discussed for a month. Nobody wanted that because of a number of reasons. But, I had already lost one job. Every time he was sent to the hospital, I had to stay for usually about 24 hours in the waiting room while the dwindling participating mental hospitals considered if they'd take him. Many had given up on him. I didn't like the short stay in the mental hospitals anyway. Dalton got a week away from school, which he loved. He could act how he wanted without consequences really. He thought he had "friends" there. His reality was so screwed up at that point.
Eventually, in February, after a particular bad day at school, we decided to make that call. Dalton was defiantly overjoyed. In his messed up reality he had won. I couldn't tell him what to do anymore. We just wanted to get him in a residential treatment facility. We had tried for some time. He was either too young, too violent.....we couldn't get him in on our own. CPS picked him up and he hugged us for a couple of seconds before skipping off. It really hurt my wife that he dumped us so quickly. Hurt Bailey too, but she's been through so much before. He went to Tyler on a Friday. They couldn't admit him until Monday morning to the residential treatment facility. He stayed in what was basically an emergency room. On Sunday, he trashed the place. Hospital decided he was too violent. CPS had to find someplace else. He basically stayed in that hospital room for two weeks while they finally found a place in Houston.
We visited him at the Houston RTC. It was a dump in a worse neighborhood. The people there were nice and he was treated nice. But it was a reality slap in the face. On-line, the RTCs are represented by photos of a college campus. Hugs and love. In reality, it's next to a crack-house with a security fence in between.
Eventually, they did all the could for him there and he was transferred to a theraputic home in a place near San Antonio, three hours from us. He's still there to this day. We've visited once a month for the last five months. We get small reports that he's doing well, but absolutely no specifics. We basically have a year to get him better and at this point, we're still sitting in the back seat while everyone else drives. We asked the court for an update and we got a letter from his therapist that she didn't think we wanted him back home since we weren't visiting more often (remember - he's three hours away). She hasn't once called or emailed or sent word to us to ask a question or include us in the treatment like we've been waiting. We called a meeting to make sure we got some questions answered.
And here it is. The reason I've taken to writing:
Lori doesn't want him back. Well....that sounds harsh. Dalton abused us for a long time. She doesn't want the abuser back. I'm not sure she can see passed what he has already done. She's still resentful of him wanting to leave so badly when we had done everything possible for him. Bailey has absolutely THRIVED since he left. Sure, she's sad. But she likes not having the drama. She likes all the attention. She likes having friends over. None of that was possible before. Lori, nine months later, remembers the bad times. Very few good times. Having him back home would be like remarrying a husband that abused you for six years. I get it. I understand. But.....
I want Dalton to come back home if he's better. That's a tough question to answer today because we just aren't getting enough information. But, I'm going with what I've been told and heard to this point until I have a reason to do otherwise. Dalton has been getting better. Maybe just a little bit. But, he's doing what he's been told to do.....from the information we've been given. We still aren't sure it's the truth.....we still aren't sure they aren't leaving out some of the important details. But, he's my son. I committed to him when I adopted him. He was 12 when he left us. I tend to want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he can get better. If he comes home and he's not......he hits somebody one time or had a fit one time.....it'll be over. But, I owe him as a father to be in his corner. At the moment, I feel like I'm the only one on his side.
And that's where Lori and I are right now. She thinks I don't care enough about her and Bailey. She thinks I'd sacrifice them for the sake of Dalton. My side of it is, I owe it to Dalton to give him a chance. I understand we've been living in a drama free bliss since he left and it's nice and that will all come to a screeching halt even on Dalton's best day. But I'm Dalton's dad. If he isn't trying to kill people, and himself, and he can function in a normal household, isn't it my job to demand him back home? If he can't function in a normal home and needs a theraputic home with constant supervision, then I'll concede that we may not be what's best for him. But until then.....i'm going to fight for him.
Lori won't ever be able to get over the resentment I don't think. Even if he meets what I consider the threshold for Dalton, that won't be enough for Dalton. She doesn't want the drama and the stress. I don't think Dalton can be a kid without drama and stress. I don't think her requirements for him to come home are realistic for him. Even if he comes home perfect, she'll never be able to trust him.
So, this is what we talk about constantly and it's killing us. We both respect the other's opinion, but we can't budge. We're seeking counseling.
We're going to see him on Sunday. We've really just taken him to Sonic so we could stay in the car. Lori is still worried he's going to run. I have a little of that feeling but if he's going to run, I want him to. We know what to do even though we don't want to. At least it will tell us where we are with him. We have a decision to make in February that neither of us want to make. Our marriage is strong and our arguments are respectful. I fear though, that if he comes home, she'll resent him and me. I feel like if he doesn't come home and he ends up being successful with another family, I'll resent her. If he does what he has done in the past and revert to old tactics and fits, it won't be our decision.
Being a father is hard. Being a good father is harder. Being Dalton's father is REAL hard.
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