Eve of the first big day

Time for a nervous ramble.

It seems like I always get the urge to write on a quiet Friday night. We've gone through the motions today. Luckily, it was a horrible day at the office, so I was able to keep my mind on work instead of watching the clock and waiting for 10 am on Saturday to roll around. It was hard not talking about it. All I want to do is talk about it. But, it's so complex. Things change so rapidly, any news I tell anyone would get confusing. It's better to just wait until there is something real to tell. People treat the news like we're pregnant and about to have a baby. They don't see the struggle these kids have had and understand the slow process this must become so they don't feel like they are just moving in and out of every home they've ever been in.

All the emotion that I've held in check is right there on the surface today. No matter what I try to think about, Dalton and Bailey keep popping in. I'm excited, but nervous, about tomorrow because it IS a big day, no matter how much we downplay it. How many parents get this opportunity to introduce themselves to their own children? I hope they aren't scared or intimidated by us. I don't think they will be. I'm almost certain they won't. But we don't know. It sure would make things easier on us for the next two weeks if we knew the kids were eager to see us again the next time. If not, we'll keep moving forward. And if so, every day after will be a lot brighter as we move forward.

We started this thinking we were doing something noble. We were going to "save" one of these kids from abuse and neglect. We said we'd take two kids, but never thought the possibility would come up. We said "in the right situation." Turns out, we're not sure there was ever a wrong situation. But this does feel like the right situation.

So....this is like Christmas eve. Except I already know what we're getting for Christmas. What greater gift could there be in the universe? Lori and I are both a little scared that we're going to be bawling for the first thirty minutes. I'm going to do my best not to. I'm not sure how I'm ever going to get to sleep tonight? It's like standing on a cliff looking out on the great unknown.

I have so much stuff I want to ask these kids. I want them to have so much fun. Part of me hopes they've already had a lot of fun. But, another part wants to help them experience some of the things that I had such a good time doing as a kid. Can they swim? Do they like animals? The zoo? I'm sure they are too young for roller coasters, but I hope they're willing. Do they know who Shamu is? If not, we're going to HAVE to figure that one out quickly. What kind of food do they like? Pizza? Spaghetti? Hamburgers? Vegetables? Are they picky eaters? What movies have they seen? Cars? Up!? Wall-E? The muppets? What TV do they like to watch? Spongebob? iCarley? Looney Tunes? 60 Minutes? Can they ride a bike? Do I get to teach that to them? Do they like to play sports? Do they want to play sports? Do they want to be in cub scouts or girl scouts? Will Lori even want to do that? Does Bailey want to be a cheerleader? Dance? Gymnastics? What kind of toys do they like to play with? Board games? Electronics? Candy Land? Legos? What are they good at in school? Math? Spelling? Reading? Do they like school or hate it? Will Dalton (or Bailey) want to go watch football with me this or next year? Will he look up to his older cousin, TJ? Will TJ want a little cousin to idolize him? Will the same be true with Alysia and Bailey? Will both the kids look forward to seeing Mackenzie when she comes over? Will they like my mom and dad and the farm? Are they afraid of dogs? Will they connect with Lori's mom and dad? Are they excited about having their own rooms? What color do they want to paint their rooms? What kind of stuff do they want to put on their walls?

That's just off the top of my head.

Lori's parents know where we are going tomorrow. My parents have no idea. I'm not sure how we're going to leave McDonalds and go across to the family reunion and not be a ball of energy and nerves. I don't know how we're supposed to sit in a room and not talk about the two hour meeting with Dalton and Bailey.

But I'm excited to see my cousin Dawn and her new baby. I love the family reunion each year. It'll be a great story for next year. Ok. I was able to write this out and now I might be able to watch TV or something.

14 more hours until I meet my future children. I still can't get it out of my head about how awesome that is.

"The Conference Call"

So. Last night we had to "commit" to moving forward. No big deal really. The conversation was difficult, because we had to make sure there was no stone unturned. We had to make sure that one of us wasn't waiting for the other to ask that question that neither of us wanted to know the answer to. The actions speak louder than words conversation. We both left last night's conversation a little drained but satisfied that we are as ready as we say and think we are. We keep testing that we don't have doubts. We passed all test with flying colors in my opinion. I think we are realistic in knowing we will be in over our heads. I think we are approaching it the exact correct way and others are affirming that for us by moving forward with this.

We had decided that we would meet Dalton and Bailey on Saturday, but we had questions for their caseworker. We didn't know what kind of meeting it was set up to be. Are we their prospecting long-term mommy and daddy? Are we Uncle Steve and Aunt Lori that just want to be their pal? Are we just a couple of people looking to entertain them for a day? Do they want to go back to their real mom? Do they like where they are now? Do they even WANT a permanent long-term mommy and daddy at this point? They've been burned many times before and really have had no idea why they have been moved around like they have.

We waited for him to call us nervously. We tried not to be nervous, but we both are starting to feel how real it's getting. He called and we talked on the speaker-phone for about 45 minutes. You could tell that he really cares about these two kids. He's been dealing with them from day 1 of their journey about 2 years ago. You could hear the frustration in his voice that the biological family couldn't get their act together. You could hear the hope in his voice that our situation would be better than the best situation they had been in for a short while where he saw positive progress. You could tell he's got more than just a case-workers interest in these kids. I would bet if he didn't have kids, these would be his kids.

Our minds were put at ease quickly. These kids WILL know that it is our hope that they will eventually come to stay with us forever. We'll work in to it slowly. First meeting will be a two hour play-date at McDonalds. We asked and he thought it was very appropriate for us to bring a toy or two to give them. I didn't tell, but I had already bought a couple little things that I was going to have in my pocket as a "Oh! How did THIS get in there!" type gift. He encouraged us to bring a camera, which was one of those questions we were really afraid to ask.

If all goes well, in the next week or two, we will travel the hour and a half to the home they are at to visit them on their turf. The hope is that they will be excited to see us again. Then, we'll ask if they want to come spend the night in our house. After that, I'm not sure of the time-table, but at least I can SEE how this is going to unfold. Before tonight, I wasn't sure the way I thought it should go would be the same as everyone else. Turns out, it is. Everybody cares about these kids.

SO - we have to wait till Saturday. That's going to make for one looooong Friday. And Saturday could be one of the biggest days EVER. We're both trying to play it down to each other, but we both have aknowledged the signifigance of it all.......

Saturday, I will probably be meeting my new son and daughter for the first time. How awesome is that statement? It's like Lori being pregnant with twins and being induced tomorrow. Except, that we already know a lot of the good and bad physical and emotional problems they have. It's not all good like every parent prays for. But it's not at all bad enough that you wouldn't thank God that these kids are exactly as they are. It's almost too much to put in to words. We hope that the kids love us and we are very concious that we shouldn't try too hard. We don't want to cry the happy tears for two hours and leave these kids wondering "Who are these freaks?" But wow. It's all set to go. The appointment is set.

Oh....the kids live in Elgin which is about an hour and a half away....near Austin. It just so happens that my family is having a family reunion on Saturday in Taylor - near Elgin and Austin. We had told CPS we would gladly cancel the family reunion for this. Turns out, the kids caseworker set our play-date for the McDonalds in Taylor, right next door to our family reunion! That's a coincidence that I will never be able to explain. Even Preston was a little awed by that little touch of God. Lori and I kind of look for signs that this is what we're supposed to be doing at this time and place. We've gotten them in big ways for the last eight months. This is just one more.

Of course after the phone call we went to eat and went to the dollar store and did some toy shopping. Coloring books, action figure, Matchbox car, little toy pony. I already know a little what they like and think they'll be more than happy. We've been able to peek behind the curtain and see some specific things they like (Star Wars and ponies).

I'm proud of us for making it here. I'm proud of our case-worker, Carey, for leading us to this point. I'm encouraged by the kids case-worker, Preston, for looking out for their best interest for so long. It sounds like a lesser worker might have lost these kids in the system once or twice. And, I'm proud of Bailey and Dalton. They've had to see and do and experience some things no kids should have to. They've had a really raw deal their whole lives. I hope and pray that we are the happy ending to that part of their lives and that they can start a whole new book with us. I'm confident that we'll all be successful at that.

It's getting "Real"

I'm at a crossroads for this blog. I started it to have a place for me to write because it's one of my best coping methods. I write for me.....sometimes people read it. I'm to the point at this conversation that I NEED to write, but we're so close to the door to this that I don't want to say too much. So....I'm going to write and not post it. Once I can, I'll publish it.

Monday, we found out that we were submitted for "two boys - 5 and 6 years old". The caseworker for the boys wants us to meet them on Saturday. We had very little information on them. No problems......happy and healthy. Seems too good to be true, right?

kinda.

The kids aren't two boys - it's a 6 year old boy and a 5 year old girl. They are in therapy and have definite "problems". We requested some info and got the therapist's assessments. Nothing we can't handle. Some totally understandable problems that any kid their age would have after going through what they've been through.

Here's the twist - tonight was the first time I've heard my wife "worry" that we aren't equipped to handle this. So, tonight we had the first HARD conversation about this whole process that we've had. We've had "serious" discussions about all of this, but it's always been something that we were working towards. It was comfortably in the future.

Tonight was the first time, for my wife especially, that it's here. We're REALLY going to become parents soon. And not just to one kid. It appears it will be for TWO kids. And yesterday, it was better, for her, because it was two little boys. She has mother/daughter issues with her own mother. She is concerned that it will carry over.

She's scared. It's to be expected. She is focusing on the negatives of what this could bring instead of thinking about both. It's a little overwhelming for anyone to go from no kids to two kids in no time. To add some emotional problems and challenges with the kids is just piling on. We had to ask each other the tough questions and really consider if we were REALLY ready for this. We talked about how we each are going to change, how our daily lives will change forever. Some of that we're going to miss. A lot of it we're going to miss. But.....a lot we ARENT going to miss.

Bottom line is, I think we've worked out the doubts. We've never doubted that we're ready and these two kids would succeed in our home.....we just want to make sure we're being honest enough to give the kids AND us a fair chance. Without our marriage staying strong, there is no chance. I think Lori was a little annoyed that I was happy we were having an emotional conversation.

I'm uber excited. I'm scared too. But I don't have the doubt that Lori has always had. But, I watch Lori with other kids, especially my nieces and nephew. They IDOLIZE her. She handles them SO well and she doesn't even consider it "handling" them like a parent. She's just being her. She's an only child, so she doesn't think she'll know how to handle fights between the two kids. She knows how. She just doesn't know that she does. She does it all the time.

So....on Saturday, we're going to meet these two kids. At least that's the plan. We still need to talk to their case worker to find out exactly how its going to work. I think he's so connected to them that he wants to see how we interact. If things go well.....and I guess even if they don't....then in a couple of weeks, they're going to come here for an overnight visit.....then we'll see where it goes from there. The case worker wants to keep it slow. I'm all for that. But if I meet the kids, I want to make sure they eventually know that our intent is to keep them forever. I don't think it's fair to parade them in front of a bunch of people.

More later. I'm tired. Long day. Exciting. It keeps getting more. On Saturday, there is a better than good chance I will be meeting my eventual new son and daughter. It really is an overwhelming thought. Parents go a lifetime wishing they had a little boy and girl. We're just going about it a little differently.

I totally understand why Lori is scared. Any parent not scared shouldn't be a parent.

.....and the hits just keep on coming.

Wow. I feel like we're getting closer. I got a call today from my case worker and she told me about something really promising. She had forgotten to tell us that she sent something out last week (no big deal with everything we had going on at the time).

This one is warm enough that I'm not going to say too much. Because, if it works out, I'll have a LOT to say anyway. It's a little different. Legal risk fostering for the moment. Meaning the parents are in grave danger of having their rights terminated. We'll know more in a couple of weeks on that front it seems.

Lori and I went to IKEA yesterday with my brother and SIL. It was hard NOT to shop for kids stuff. We'll be back there soon, I'm sure. We're very excited about this prospective case and could be way in over our heads. Excitingly over our heads. If there is one thing thing has been over the last two weeks it's a roller coaster. It's been different every time. Our case worker seems to think we're ready for anything. I'm still thrilled to have her in my corner. Even when we thought we were all set last week, she still sent out our home-study.....didn't stop working just in case.

The case worker she sent it to thinks we're a good choice and this seems to be on a fast track. So much to think about....but we've learned not to get too ahead of ourselves the last few weeks. This could change at any moment, and since this is legal risk, it's possible that at any point, a family member could come out of the woodwork and we'd be childless again. So, even when we're parents....we have to check ourselves at the process.

I haven't been emotional about any of this. I continue that. But, I can see it on the horizon....even if it's not this case. As more case workers find out about us, it's almost like a "buzz". I think often about the other families in our class. I know a couple have kids placed with them. One lady with a young baby. One couple has a 15 year old. The both sent emails and seem to be over the moon.

If this works out, I think everyone will be thrilled.

Well see. A little nervous energy just got let go in this post.

BANG......wait. Nevermind.

So. I'm out in the middle of a field, measuring for a slab that we're pouring on Monday and I get a call from a number out of our area code that I don't recognize. Hello?

It was a CPS worker that had a happy healthy 2 month old boy that needed IMMEDIATE placement. She rattled on about name, history, mother's history, father's history and a bunch of other things.....the whole time my heart is racing and I only heard "immediate". We need a crib, we need diapers, we need formula, we need a car seat....I have 15 minutes. Zero to two month old in 5 seconds. I told her that I could not say yes until I spoke with my wife. At that moment, her other line rang and she said it was my wife calling her back (it wasn't). I told her to tell my wife I'd be home in 10 minutes.

I didn't call my wife because I was convinced she was hearing the same world-changing news as I was. I got a phone call from one of my workers on the way home...figured I needed it to calm my nerves. A MILLION things went through my head at once.

I need to get batteries for the camera because there will be a lot of pictures tonight.
Crib, playpen, toys, formula, diapers, car seat, how much formula for a two month old, how often, do I tell my mom, I guess I'm not going to the water park tomorrow, does this mean my MIL is going to practically move in with us, did I finish everything at work so I can take some time off, what was the kids name again, I wonder why a family member didn't come forward and take the..........

I notice that there's a voicemail on my phone that must have come in when I was talking to the worker.

It's the CPS lady.....turns out that call wasn't my wife. It was another CPS lady. A family member came out of nowhere to request the baby. Ok. Scratch that one off our list.

In two weeks, we've almost had a two year old girl, a ten year old girl, and now a two month old boy. By the time I was able to talk to Lori (who was taking a nap and missed it all) a whole 7 minutes after I found out, it was all over. We went to dinner and I was able to calm myself and tell the story.

It was a good practice run at what we NEED to get if it happens again. And I guess there is an outside shot that this family member won't be qualified to handle a kid and we'll be back in the game. The case worker was very complimentary and said our worker was very persuasive and said we're one of her "star" families. Our case worker called later and apologized (not really her fault at all) that it all happened so fast and ended the way it did.

We're surprisingly o.k. with all of it as usual. We're glad it happened before they put a two month old baby in my arms. Two hours later and I'd have to give it up and I think THAT would have been hard. Instead, we've kept it very business-like and we don't feel cheated or wronged at all.

But, with every close call, I can feel it getting closer. Still kind of hoping for the 3-4 year old boy (or girl) that we think is the best fit for us. But in the span of four days, we've had both extreme that we could go (a 10 year old and 2 month old) and were ready to accept both happily.

Another try on the Roller Coaster

That was quick. Woke up this morning confident that a conference call would result it a bunch of wheels going in motion to bring this 10 year old girl to us.

Turns out, a supervisor said otherwise. She needs more help than a family with no experience (like us) can give. I'm pretty proud of Lori and I for trusting our gut instinct. That's exactly what we were going to discuss with the case workers.

I can't save all the children. Just one....maybe two. And I want my child and Lori and I to have every opportunity to succeed. If I adopt a child that is not the "right fit" for us, not only am I cheating the child we adopt, we're also cheating the child that we were supposed to adopt....and we're cheating ourselves. Lori and I have a lot to give....we just want to make sure it's the right stuff to give to the right child.

Back to the drawing board. We're getting a visit from our case worker on next Wednesday. Looking forward to it!

p.s. I will say - Lori and I are shockingly business-like with the last two "no's". We haven't really been emotional, even behind the scenes. The emotion comes from switching gears. Last week, we were playing out scenarios of what it would be like to have a 2 year old in the house. This week, a 10 year old. Next week, maybe it will be TWO kids. Who knows?! That's the roller coaster aspect of all this.

Rumblings on the Horizon

A few days after finding out we didn't get the two year old girl - we're fine with it. Sometimes you think it and say it but you aren't really sure. But, we can honestly say we're sure. We found out she went to a bi-lingual family. We figured....we're happy about that.

Now, a few days later, we have a new case to consider. In fact, it's pretty much in our laps to decide on. We're excited - we really are. But, at the same time, it's not the perfect situation. Or, rather, it's not the situation we envisioned ourselves in at the beginning of this process. We know there are no perfect situations in this.

We were actaually presented with her case awhile ago and were told she was adopted. Turns out, that's not true. The family that was going to adopt her read her casefile and had some concerns about some stuff and backed out. She's 10 years old and......I'll just leave the details out for now.....since I'm not really supposed to talk about this at all. I'm just talking to myself really. She has Oppositional Defiance Disorder....in other words, she's a challenge. But, the therapist and caseworker all say that they don't understand how she was diagnosed with that. She hasn't shown signs in 2 years. She has brothers and sisters that are spread out around Central Texas. Sounds like she's the oldest and she was taking care of them for awhile.

My concerns are - if we adopt her, that may be it. No more. They want her to be an only child. She's older than we originally were going in for.....but we changed our minds throughout the process. We're both at or near 40 and a 10 year old will bridge the gap a little. But, if/when we commit, that's it. No more. That's tough to take. Maybe it will change....but we have to go into it with the mindset that this is it.

We're going to move forward with it I think.....Lori and I have done a lot of talking to this point and I think we both just want to talk to the caseworkers to find out WHY they picked US as a good fit for this little girl. Was there something about us? Or are we just available and we look nice? I think if they can give us a reason - any reason - other than "you look nice" then we'll be ready. Since neither Lori or I grew up in an oppositional/confrontational home, what makes them think we'd be good and handling a girl that is confrontational?

These are all concerns that we'd be concerned about ANY child. In the limited info that we have, there are some red flags. Sure there are. But there are also some white flags. Indications that some of the stuff in her file may just be a crappy family. Claims that may or may not have been true....parents that were struggling for survival and staying out of trouble maybe.......

Which means if we do decide - we're going to have some fun right off the bat. This girl has been through some crappy situations (a lot of which I'm not at liberty to talk about). I'm not sure her foster family is the "best fit". She likes sports. She likes roller coasters. She's supposed to have a sense of humor. Sound familiar? We'll be a Schlitterbahn/Sea World/Fiesta Texas whirlwind for the first few months. With discipline, of course....but we'll have fun.

A lot to think about. And....the scary thing is that it is very possible that we're talking days instead of weeks and months that this could be a reality. At least I think that's the plan.