.....and the hits just keep on coming.

Wow. I feel like we're getting closer. I got a call today from my case worker and she told me about something really promising. She had forgotten to tell us that she sent something out last week (no big deal with everything we had going on at the time).

This one is warm enough that I'm not going to say too much. Because, if it works out, I'll have a LOT to say anyway. It's a little different. Legal risk fostering for the moment. Meaning the parents are in grave danger of having their rights terminated. We'll know more in a couple of weeks on that front it seems.

Lori and I went to IKEA yesterday with my brother and SIL. It was hard NOT to shop for kids stuff. We'll be back there soon, I'm sure. We're very excited about this prospective case and could be way in over our heads. Excitingly over our heads. If there is one thing thing has been over the last two weeks it's a roller coaster. It's been different every time. Our case worker seems to think we're ready for anything. I'm still thrilled to have her in my corner. Even when we thought we were all set last week, she still sent out our home-study.....didn't stop working just in case.

The case worker she sent it to thinks we're a good choice and this seems to be on a fast track. So much to think about....but we've learned not to get too ahead of ourselves the last few weeks. This could change at any moment, and since this is legal risk, it's possible that at any point, a family member could come out of the woodwork and we'd be childless again. So, even when we're parents....we have to check ourselves at the process.

I haven't been emotional about any of this. I continue that. But, I can see it on the horizon....even if it's not this case. As more case workers find out about us, it's almost like a "buzz". I think often about the other families in our class. I know a couple have kids placed with them. One lady with a young baby. One couple has a 15 year old. The both sent emails and seem to be over the moon.

If this works out, I think everyone will be thrilled.

Well see. A little nervous energy just got let go in this post.

BANG......wait. Nevermind.

So. I'm out in the middle of a field, measuring for a slab that we're pouring on Monday and I get a call from a number out of our area code that I don't recognize. Hello?

It was a CPS worker that had a happy healthy 2 month old boy that needed IMMEDIATE placement. She rattled on about name, history, mother's history, father's history and a bunch of other things.....the whole time my heart is racing and I only heard "immediate". We need a crib, we need diapers, we need formula, we need a car seat....I have 15 minutes. Zero to two month old in 5 seconds. I told her that I could not say yes until I spoke with my wife. At that moment, her other line rang and she said it was my wife calling her back (it wasn't). I told her to tell my wife I'd be home in 10 minutes.

I didn't call my wife because I was convinced she was hearing the same world-changing news as I was. I got a phone call from one of my workers on the way home...figured I needed it to calm my nerves. A MILLION things went through my head at once.

I need to get batteries for the camera because there will be a lot of pictures tonight.
Crib, playpen, toys, formula, diapers, car seat, how much formula for a two month old, how often, do I tell my mom, I guess I'm not going to the water park tomorrow, does this mean my MIL is going to practically move in with us, did I finish everything at work so I can take some time off, what was the kids name again, I wonder why a family member didn't come forward and take the..........

I notice that there's a voicemail on my phone that must have come in when I was talking to the worker.

It's the CPS lady.....turns out that call wasn't my wife. It was another CPS lady. A family member came out of nowhere to request the baby. Ok. Scratch that one off our list.

In two weeks, we've almost had a two year old girl, a ten year old girl, and now a two month old boy. By the time I was able to talk to Lori (who was taking a nap and missed it all) a whole 7 minutes after I found out, it was all over. We went to dinner and I was able to calm myself and tell the story.

It was a good practice run at what we NEED to get if it happens again. And I guess there is an outside shot that this family member won't be qualified to handle a kid and we'll be back in the game. The case worker was very complimentary and said our worker was very persuasive and said we're one of her "star" families. Our case worker called later and apologized (not really her fault at all) that it all happened so fast and ended the way it did.

We're surprisingly o.k. with all of it as usual. We're glad it happened before they put a two month old baby in my arms. Two hours later and I'd have to give it up and I think THAT would have been hard. Instead, we've kept it very business-like and we don't feel cheated or wronged at all.

But, with every close call, I can feel it getting closer. Still kind of hoping for the 3-4 year old boy (or girl) that we think is the best fit for us. But in the span of four days, we've had both extreme that we could go (a 10 year old and 2 month old) and were ready to accept both happily.

Another try on the Roller Coaster

That was quick. Woke up this morning confident that a conference call would result it a bunch of wheels going in motion to bring this 10 year old girl to us.

Turns out, a supervisor said otherwise. She needs more help than a family with no experience (like us) can give. I'm pretty proud of Lori and I for trusting our gut instinct. That's exactly what we were going to discuss with the case workers.

I can't save all the children. Just one....maybe two. And I want my child and Lori and I to have every opportunity to succeed. If I adopt a child that is not the "right fit" for us, not only am I cheating the child we adopt, we're also cheating the child that we were supposed to adopt....and we're cheating ourselves. Lori and I have a lot to give....we just want to make sure it's the right stuff to give to the right child.

Back to the drawing board. We're getting a visit from our case worker on next Wednesday. Looking forward to it!

p.s. I will say - Lori and I are shockingly business-like with the last two "no's". We haven't really been emotional, even behind the scenes. The emotion comes from switching gears. Last week, we were playing out scenarios of what it would be like to have a 2 year old in the house. This week, a 10 year old. Next week, maybe it will be TWO kids. Who knows?! That's the roller coaster aspect of all this.

Rumblings on the Horizon

A few days after finding out we didn't get the two year old girl - we're fine with it. Sometimes you think it and say it but you aren't really sure. But, we can honestly say we're sure. We found out she went to a bi-lingual family. We figured....we're happy about that.

Now, a few days later, we have a new case to consider. In fact, it's pretty much in our laps to decide on. We're excited - we really are. But, at the same time, it's not the perfect situation. Or, rather, it's not the situation we envisioned ourselves in at the beginning of this process. We know there are no perfect situations in this.

We were actaually presented with her case awhile ago and were told she was adopted. Turns out, that's not true. The family that was going to adopt her read her casefile and had some concerns about some stuff and backed out. She's 10 years old and......I'll just leave the details out for now.....since I'm not really supposed to talk about this at all. I'm just talking to myself really. She has Oppositional Defiance Disorder....in other words, she's a challenge. But, the therapist and caseworker all say that they don't understand how she was diagnosed with that. She hasn't shown signs in 2 years. She has brothers and sisters that are spread out around Central Texas. Sounds like she's the oldest and she was taking care of them for awhile.

My concerns are - if we adopt her, that may be it. No more. They want her to be an only child. She's older than we originally were going in for.....but we changed our minds throughout the process. We're both at or near 40 and a 10 year old will bridge the gap a little. But, if/when we commit, that's it. No more. That's tough to take. Maybe it will change....but we have to go into it with the mindset that this is it.

We're going to move forward with it I think.....Lori and I have done a lot of talking to this point and I think we both just want to talk to the caseworkers to find out WHY they picked US as a good fit for this little girl. Was there something about us? Or are we just available and we look nice? I think if they can give us a reason - any reason - other than "you look nice" then we'll be ready. Since neither Lori or I grew up in an oppositional/confrontational home, what makes them think we'd be good and handling a girl that is confrontational?

These are all concerns that we'd be concerned about ANY child. In the limited info that we have, there are some red flags. Sure there are. But there are also some white flags. Indications that some of the stuff in her file may just be a crappy family. Claims that may or may not have been true....parents that were struggling for survival and staying out of trouble maybe.......

Which means if we do decide - we're going to have some fun right off the bat. This girl has been through some crappy situations (a lot of which I'm not at liberty to talk about). I'm not sure her foster family is the "best fit". She likes sports. She likes roller coasters. She's supposed to have a sense of humor. Sound familiar? We'll be a Schlitterbahn/Sea World/Fiesta Texas whirlwind for the first few months. With discipline, of course....but we'll have fun.

A lot to think about. And....the scary thing is that it is very possible that we're talking days instead of weeks and months that this could be a reality. At least I think that's the plan.

And......no.

Three hours later and the meeting is over.

The answer was a no. Shockingly, Lori and I are o.k. with it. I think our caseworker may be more upset and defeated than we are. I've stayed proud of my wife for how she's handling this process. It's a bigger picture than just us becoming parents. When it's our time, it will be our time.

Some good news out of the meeting - it sounds like our case worker knows our file inside and out now. She can talk about us better than our parents can. And, the case worker of the little girl was impressed by our homestudy. There was nothing negative that kept us from getting the child. So, I'm sure when another child comes available, we'll be in the back of her mind. It sounds like our case worker put up quite a fight for us.

So....back a step. But stronger because of it.

I don't want to jinx it.

If you're reading this - don't overreact. At least, that's how we're trying to handle it here today.

We have achieved the "next step" in the adoption process. We've been selected as a finalist. Today - in less than an hour, there will be a room full of six people to talk about a little two year old girl. One of the people in the room is going to be our case worker representing us. There will be two other family's case workers, the little girl's case worker, and the foster mom and dad.

And - it's very possible that by three p.m. today, I'll know if I'll get the chance to be this little girl's dad. I don't have much information at all. I just know she's healthy and happy. I know her age, race, name.....and that's it. I usually know more about the child's background than I do hers....but that's o.k. Knowing too little is a good sign at this stage. That means there are no major red flags.

My case worker e-mailed me about her over a month ago and we didn't pay too much attention. She e-mailed the same day about 3 other kids with far bigger things to read about that Lori and I discussed in detail. We didn't discuss this little girl because there wasn't much to talk about. Two year old healthy happy girl? Sign us up. No brainer.

Then - poof - we hear about this meeting today. We went from nothing to this in five hours. And honestly, we're prepared for either way. Lori is still without a job and we figure that might be involved in the conversation today. But, financially, we're doing pretty good considering, with money set aside just for the fostering/adoption. If we don't get this little girl, there will only be a small amount of disappointment. If we do, I think we're ready for that too. Lori is home, I have two weeks of vacation saved up and it's the best time so far this year for me to take it.

If it does work out, we're anxious to see a picture, have a million questions, most of which we don't even know yet. It's funny because we just ran into a couple last night that was in our adoption class and we talked about the waiting and how difficult it was. Both couples admitted we're setting ourselves up for a year long wait. I made the joke that after all that talking, something was going to happen tomorrow. And here it is.

Anyway....for those that are following this blog, no news tonight or tomorrow will be bad news, but not real bad news. We're just happy that we've achieved another step in the whole process. We're still very aware that it's whats best for these kids and not really what we want at this point.

I know where the meeting is. It's taking everything for me NOT to get in the car and drive and sit in the parking lot and tackling my case worker on the way out. It's just a meeting that might affect the rest of my life. But then again....it may be just a meeting.

No News Is No News

It's been awhile since I last posted. A few have asked......but an update is due.

No news is no news.

Lori lost her job about 3 weeks ago. We're still being submitted for potential kids, but until we are "a finalist" we haven't really discussed what would happen. Lori needs to get a new job. We need to be able to buy all the things we need to buy when we get a new child in the house. We'd like to do it without going in to debt. We know we'll always do what we have to do.

We've also had our eyes opened for us a little wider the last month. The chances of us getting TWO children at the same time (brothers, sisters, one of each) is a real possibility. We always have the final say, but if we are picked, I'm not sure if we could say no. Our case worker has been really great and I still feel like she knows us and knows what we can and can't handle. We've only had one or two situations presented to us that we thought we might be in a little over our heads. But our case-worker kind of thought it, too. So, we're real lucky.

I won't say Mothers Day and Fathers Day was hard - it wasn't. But, I had more than one person each day ask me "how ya doing" on those days. Like I should be sad that I'm not a father on Father's Day. I guess talking about it made me a tad sad, but I'm still very excited. Hopefully that will be the LAST Father's Day without a child.

This weekend is July 4th, a big deal in our little town. I'm 39 years old and this will be my 40th July 4th parade in Downtown Belton. Never missed one. Not one. I love the small town part of it all. I can't wait to have my own kid(s) to take. But, I'm patient. I know it's going to happen sooner or later. I know it's going to be the most difficult but rewarding thing that's ever happened to me.

No news is no news. When there's more news, I'll report the news. :)