Seven

I called our instructor for the classes today and left a message to confirm that we will be there next Monday. She called me back and left me a message - something about her supervisor wanting to change the "age" thing.

On the scale of panic, this was a 2. But it was more than 1 and that sucks. I jumped to a conclusion that we were too old to be adoptive parents. Of course, that's not true, but for fifteen minutes there, I thought it might be. Turns out, there are so many families requesting small children, that they are only accepting applicants for age seven and under. We had said five and under.

Doesn't mean we won't get a two year old - but now me might get a seven year old. That's fine. Again - I just want to be a parent. The reason for the age range we chose is because of school and habits. We're just giving ourselves the best chance to instill our morals and values before the child is old enough to develop some of his peers.

But....my panic is back down to a zero. We're all set. Let's get on with it!

Approved and Public

Christmas has come and gone. The day before Christmas, we got our "approval" for the PRIDE classes in the mail. The approval alone wasn't a big deal. But it did mean that we were committed to going to the classes and that we needed to tell our parents what was going on since we will be unavailable on Monday nights for the next several weeks.

We told my family first over Christmas dinner. My mother acted as if Lori was pregnant and we had to explain what it was that we were announcing. They are happy for us. My brother's daughter, Mackenzie, is their pride and joy and because of the situation of them taking care of her, I don't think any child we bring into this world or adopt would break that bond. Hell....I don't want to. But, Mackenzie represents so many things for my brother and sister-in-law and my parents. This adoption is for Lori and I. I was glad that my family accepted it like they did. Betty works with older foster kids at school and was concerned about that. She thought it was good that we're focusing on younger children.

Today we went over to Lori's parents to see her aunt, uncle, and cousin that I'd never met and she hasn't seen in over 10 years. It went well. After they left to go back to Austin, Lori felt it was a good time to tell them. I was ready to leave, but any move forward in any way is a good thing. So, we announced it.

My mother-in-law.....it's a long story. She doesn't react in what society calls "expected." Lori is her main priority and to think any different, even though Lori vehemently denies it, would be silly. Lori is an only child by design. Lori is a strong independent woman - but Lori's mom views her as a small child with a deadly illness. Lori isn't sick. Lori has the same aches and pains as just about all of us. Just because she takes a pill for her thyroid doesn't mean she's dying.

Lori's mom's first question (after a brief dramatic pause) was "Have you two discussed this?" I think what she was really saying was "Why haven't you discussed this with me before now?" She's worried that we're going to get a newborn with medical expenses that will sink us all. She's worried that we don't know what to expect. She's worried that her daughter will break down physically at some point and she'll have to (and a little part wants to) take care of the baby/toddler/young person/teen.....whatever.

It took awhile, but we got there. Thirty minutes later I think we satisfactorily answered all her questions. The bottom line is, we have no excuses for NOT doing this. We have the house, we work close to home with accommodating jobs, we are just ready. I've been happy with the gusto Lori has in all of this. She's not just ready, she's READY.

January 5th is our first class. That's a week from tomorrow. I'm super excited.

Quiet Friday Night

A quiet Friday night. It's been a week of a lot of research and excited energy about this whole thing. I can't really say I'm nervous about it at all. I think Lori is. She has a lot of questions about her abilities to be a mother I think. Not if she would be a good mother - just if she can physically handle it.

She can. She just has questions about it. I always knew we'd get here. I just never wanted to push Lori into it. It's the thing I'm the most sensitive about. Just because I want it doesn't mean WE want it. But, I think she's let herself become ready for it. I know I'm ready for it. Everybody knows I'm ready for it. I don't keep it much of a secret.

And keeping this thing a secret is tough for me. I'm SO freakin excited that I can't NOT tell people. It's easier for me not to tell my family and Lori's family. If they knew, they'd be SO supportive. I'm just not sure if we need support at this moment. Later on, I'm sure we'll need tons. I'm happy to go this part of the journey alone with my wife for now.

Our application is in (as of Wednesday) and we are patiently waiting for our notification that we are included in the classes starting January 5th. If they'd let me do it online, I'd be done by Sunday. Let's just get to the homestudy so we can move forward. Lori and I know what we have to offer in the way of us, our house, our families, our values and frankly, I don't know anybody else that has more to offer or wants it more.

We already know we can do this and we'll do it with flying colors. And, honestly, I'm patient. I'm really excited to go through every step. I'm already prepared as I can be for the hard parts of this. Lori is worried that something will happen halfway through that will take us back to step one. I can't imagine what it would be, but I'm ready for it.

As ready as I can be I guess.

Part 2 - The first Meeting

......and here we go.

Tonight we went to the local CPS office (all of a mile from our house) to attend an informational meeting on what is involved in becoming a foster/adoptive parent. We really didn't know what to expect. We figured it would be a lady with forms that was pissed off to be there so late telling us to call back tomorrow for real information.

Instead, it was very positive. There were about 15 couples (and some single folks) filling this room. Two of the case workers from CPS, one foster parent, and one lady from a private adoption agency were there and had a video and presentation. I learned that there are a lot more people interested in doing a lot more than just adopting.

One couple behind us had adopted 6 kids already and had let their licensing lapse and were just there to go through the training courses again. They are interested in adopting a sibling group of three. Then possibly another one. Another couple was interested in just a brand new baby. Another couple just wanted to foster. The CPS workers really seemed to push fostering. Almost like adoption was just another option.

We really liked the two CPS workers though. I think we would both be happy to work with them in some fashion. One of them is teaching the classes (called PRIDE) over an 11 week period starting on January 5th. Ten three-hour classes and an eight hour class mixed in. Then several inspections of our home. Then a home study. I sat in the meeting thinking my wife was getting overwhelmed. I expected her to grab my arm and lead me out of there.

But that didn't happen. She is actually more excited than before the meeting. It all seems doable. It's real now. We're doing this. We're going to spend some time filling out the application and trying to register for the classes starting tomorrow. The next big question I guess is - What do we want to be licensed for?

We thought, before the meeting, that it would be "Adoption Only". If they want to plop a brand new baby in our laps, we're ready, right? They have hundreds of babies just waiting to be picked up.....and in this economy, it's a buyers market. Turns out - no. It's rare that they have newborns that are placed. You could almost feel the frustration of the couple to our left. But Lori and I are much more open minded I think. If there is a two, three, or four year old - I think we'd both be fine with that. We want to be parents. If the "diaper run" time is a bit short or non-existent, I don't think we'll shed to many tears.

No. I think we both realized it when we heard them mention it. "Foster/Adoptive with Legal Risk children." Because we don't have any parenting experience, fostering will greatly increase our chances of having a child placed with us. Eighty percent of fostered children are adopted by the foster parents. Legal Risk children are children with a low chance of being returned to their birth parents (or extended family) for one reason or another. We would still have to foster a child for a minimum of six months, but after the parental rights were terminated, chances are, we could adopt quicker.

At least thats my understanding of it. There was a lot of information thrown out for specific cases that didn't have anything to do with our own. Out of state kids, teen kids, special needs kids and the assistance associated with them.

So....two steps down - 998 to go. Now it's off to fill out paperwork. From what I understand, I'll be doing a lot of that for the next six to ten months.

The Beginning

When does being a father start? The day your son or daughter is born? Or before?

My wife and I have started talking about starting to talk about adoption. We have no idea where to start. We know what we are both looking for and I am very proud that we are so much on the same page out of the blocks, even before we ask ourselves the tough questions. We know that we don't even know enough yet to know what we don't know. So....we've started talking about it. Call it "The Information Gathering Phase".

For me, I haven't been this excited about anything in my life. Anything. Name it and this tops it. My wife struggles because I get bored when we don't have anything to look forward to - a trip, visitors, a holiday. This is something I've looked forward to my whole life. I've been patient and I think she's been patient. I wanted to make sure she was ready and just didn't want to do this because she knew I wanted it so badly.

Everything we've done in our relationship had an under-tone of leading to this. We moved out of the city and got a house with an "extra" bedroom. We never had to even have a monumental talk to know what that bedroom would eventually be for. We picked Belton over Temple. Partly because of the schools. How funny is that? A couple with no kids looking at the school system? I guess if we were really strategic, then we would have looked in Academy. Oh well.

Part of my information gathering process has involved talking with a couple of friends that have adopted, listening to their stories - good and bad. We're both at the age, and Lori has enough medical concerns, that adoption makes the most sense. But it's a big foggy mountain. Most places I've looked at assume I want to adopt a special needs child. Or, they assume I have $40,000 ready and waiting to spend on the process. So, I did some checking with the state of Texas and CPS.

Turns out, there is an "informational meeting" a block from our house tomorrow night. I filled out an information form. I figured it would be easier to say I already filled it out when we go to the meeting. If we don't go, we'll have to wait 3 months or travel to Austin or Waco in one or two months.

An hour lady, a nice lady named Cristy from the Bryan office called to make sure I knew about the meeting. After I hung up, I realized - this was no longer just a conversation between my wife and I. This is real and we really are doing something. I'm bursting with excitement about that fact alone. I understand it is just the "Information gathering phase", but it's something. The decisions I make from this point on affect my chances of becoming a father. I think that means my job as "father" has just started. I hope it has anyway.

We've decided to keep this out of the ears of my family and Lori's family. Not that they wouldn't be supportive. I think they would be TOO supportive. Especially Lori's family. We'd get newspaper clippings, e-mails, they'd interview strangers....all in an effort to help. We'll enlist their help soon enough. We're also aware of the unintentional bias they all might have. At this moment in time, my wife and I have what we consider an "ideal" situation, but are extremely open to the possiblilty (and probability) that we'll end up adopting a child that doesn't fit our "ideal" on day one. In other words, I don't want to disappoint my family when they're expecting a newborn and I bring home a 10 year old. We just want to be parents and we'll do what it takes. It's going to take all of my effort not to tell.

It's one of the reason I'm writing this blog that nobody will read for some time. I want to be able to go back years from now and remember the excitement I felt on day one. I want my child to know how excited I was. I want my family to know why they weren't included on day one. Maybe we'll include them on day 2. I don't know. But, this whole process is important to me.

My wife is a bit shocked by my organization in all this. Most of the time when she ask me to do something, I get to it when I get to it. I joke that when I asked her to marry me, she got on the phone and said "We have a go" and two hours later, our whole wedding was planned. I try to do a little something each day to move forward. I know it's going to take, days, weeks, months, and possibly years. I'm prepared. I know we're going to be told things we don't want to hear and probably have our heart broken several times before it's through.

I think being a father starts on the day you decide to be a father. And I think that's why I'm so excited.