Small Victories

It's been almost two months since I've had an update. It's been a little frustrating over those two months, but honestly not much has happened.

Today, we met with our case worker and she told us that they are still waiting for the company that contracts out the homestudies to send in ours to the state. The lady that did the homestudy over two months ago sent it in three days after she was here. Nobody is sure what the problem is after that. Vacations, approvals, etc. etc. There is really no person to get mad at, call, write.....we just have to be patient. Turns out, nobody from our class is lisenced yet. I feel bad for everybody - not just us. Everybody was so eager and excited when class was over. I know we're still excited.

We did take one class last month that lasted a couple of hours. It was "How to Administer Psycothropic Medication." Every foster parent within e-mail range showed up to our little classroom and it was standing room only. A nurse from CPS did a pretty good job explaining why these kids are on so many medications and it was our responsibility to make sure they should actually be on all of them. Many times, it's a lazy decision to throw another pill on the problem.

But, other than that, there's no news on the western front. Work has been very stressful for Lori and I both. The good news with that is I think we've both made it through a rough patch and we're ready for whatever comes in the summer months.

The quiet two months have us going through fantasy scenerios - Day one - Ikea and Inner Space Caverns (gotta do something fun on day one). Day two - Summer Fun Water Park (We want the kid to like us). Day three - the Zoo (one of my favorite places). Actually....we'll probably space that out over a few weeks. But, we both have places we want to experience with a kid in tow. Two 40-year olds at Summer Fun Water Park is creepy. Throw a kid in and nobody would even notice. We have big plans.....as much as our budget allows us. Even if it's just a short time foster kid, we're looking forward to it.

We went to the Dallas Renaissaince (sp?) Festival last weekend with my brother and his family. Hanging out for the day with three kids wasn't as eye opening as we thought. We're ready. On the way there, Mackenzie, the 4 year old, realized we were getting close and figured out that this looked like something that was going to be fun. I got two comments on the way in - "Uncle Steve - You're a good driver." and "Uncle Steve - You're a good singer" (I was singing along to the radio being goofy). Then, when she wanted to ride the swings and nobody would go with her, I volunteered.

Then I got the compliment that I've been waiting for since she was born. Holding my hand, just the two of us, on the way to the swings, out of earshot of everybody else she gave me:
"Uncle Steve - You're awesome."

We swang until my arms fell off.

And the classes are DONE!

Last night's class was the end of Step 1. Feels like it was more than just one step, but our last class introduced us to what's about to come.....and to be honest, it feels like we're standing on the beach waiting for the hurricane to hit.

Last night was Panel Night and about seven different people came to speak to us that we may or may not be involved in over the next few years. One of our classmates is a manager at Chili's and he brought all kind of food. We (along with another couple) brought enough drinks to float a boat. Our class really came together to throw a party.

First up was a CPS Investigator. He explained what he did and how he would interact with us. His job sounds very stressful. The thing we got the most out of his presentation is that we should be prepared for anything. The whole story doesn't always show up on day one. A lot of couples were concerned because, like us, they have a bed and are set up for a 3-10 year old. But, a lot of us are being licensed for 0-7. He said that as "foster" parents, he may have to place a baby with little to no notice and if we didn't have a car-seat, crib, diapers, etc, he wouldn't leave the child there. We freaked out a little until we remembered - We're going to foster "legal risk" so we'll have a couple of days warning. No matter, we can make due in 30 minutes with a quick trip to Wal-Mart. The investigator seemed like he was really helpful when he dropped off children. But, I'm sure when he's dropping a newborn off at 3 am, he just wants to get home. He was a good introduction to who we were going to be talking to the rest of the night.

Then we talked to a lady from CASA - a volunteer organization that acts as an advocate for the foster kids throughout their experience. They aren't affiliated with CPS, but almost act as a watchdog group over CPS and the foster parents to make sure everybody is playing together nicely. They also show up for court dates. The toughest thing for us was figuring out how each of these panel members would fit in to OUR situation. It was easy to see how they helped with emergency foster sitations.

Next up was a lady from Early Childhood Assistance. Any child under age 3 qualifies for a bunch of free stuff - cereal, food, formula....I'm sure the list goes on. I was concentrating on my mini-burger and cheesecake at that point.

Then we talked to a lady from Conservatorship. She is the liason between the foster families and the birth families. She works out the visitation schedules and makes sure the kids are well taken care of.

Then we talked to someone from Adoption Placement. Once a child has been determined "adoptable", she gets them and helps in the adjustment. She didn't have any contact with birthparents and deals with foster and adoptive families only. If I was on the panel, I think I wanted her job out of all of them. They all seem incredibly stressful, but her's had some happy endings.

Last, we talked to a lady about the paperwork at adoption. A lot of people had questions for her. Turns out, there is a chance that we could get adoption subsidies. That was something we had never heard before.

We found out at the end of class that we're not done yet. We have to read some stuff and take a quiz on AIDS. Then, we have to take a 45 minute class at the end of this month on Psycotropic Medications. Since most, if not all, of the kids are ADHD, we'll probably be dealing with that.

We spent a long time saying goodbye to everyone and we exchanged phone numbers and e-mail addresses so we can all keep in touch with what everybody ends up with when it's all said and done. I don't know how successful we'll be at staying in touch, but I hope we stay in touch with a couple of the couples.

So.....just like that - it's done. No more PRIDE classes. I'll miss Merlene, our co-trainer. And I made sure she knew it, too. Lori and I will probably have her over. At least I hope so.

What's up next? Well....we have to wait for the state of California to do the background check on me. Good news is they cashed the check today. Then we have to take a couple more training classes. Then we have to wait for our homestudy to get approved. I'm excited about that. Carey said we could read it when it came in. I'm anxious to see how we're presented. THEN - we'll be licensed.

Licensed means we wait some more. But, like I've been saying from day one - I'm as excited today as I was when this all started. It's a strange excitement though. I'm not real sure what I'm excited for. I guess it's just standing on the edge, awaiting the unknown. Knowing that we have no idea what's coming. But, now we feel like we're trained well enough to know who to call when we don't know what we're doing.

So far so good.....Updates as things happen.

The Home Study

Sunday evening we got the call. It was the lady calling to do our home-study. In the world of adoption/fostering, this is THE APPOINTMENT. Neither Lori and I were too concerned about it, but we kept thinking we should be. I mean - it's important, right? But, we're ready.

We scheduled it for 4 pm so we could take off work early and be here. We were both home by 3 (overachievers) and opened some blinds, vacuumed the carpet, changed clothes......she arrived right on the dot at 4pm. Very nice lady named Crystal.

We got down to business right away. After initial introductions, she wanted to speak with one of us alone first. We chose Lori. I took the dog for a short walk. When I got back, I had some paperwork to fill out (there is a lot of that going on over and over). I sat out on the back porch with the dog while Lori finished her interview questions. The paperwork asked questions about my education, family, previous marriage, etc. Nothing too big. Nothing I haven't already fully disclosed already in this process.

When it was my turn to go in, Lori went out on the patio and filled out her part of the info. Most of the individual questions weren't so bad. Why do I want to foster/adopt? Many questions about my childhood. Am I close with my mom? Am I close with my dad? Am I close with my brother? Did they beat me? Did they fight? Did they drink? Did they molest me? Have I been arrested? Have I done drugs? What was my happiest and saddest memory as a child? What were my expectations of a child in my house? My childhood was a friggen Norman Rockwell painting. I'd go back and do it again if they'd let me. And I know most people wouldn't. It really wasn't hard saying nice things about myself, Lori, and my family. I almost felt guilty that I really didn't have much negative things to say.

Then, it was the dual interview. She didn't tell us, but during our conversation, it was evident that Lori and I were pretty much on the same page and had predicted how each other would answer some questions. So, the dual questionaire was a breeze. Most of the questions had to do with how we would handle discipline, rules, what our expectations were, etc. She also wanted to know how we got along as a couple. Again - I was feeling a little guilty that we don't fight. Our weakness as prospective adoptive parents is the fact that we've never been parents before. Our strength is that we chose to be foster/adoptive parents of a CPS child. We didn't have fertility issues that forced us in to this situation.

It really wasn't like an interview. She had done this for ten years and you could tell she knew exactly what info she needed, let us talk when we felt like we needed to expand on certain questions, then used that info for other questions as well. After a tour of the house to make sure we had all the "required" items in the house (and to compliment us on the color selections of our house) it was over.

Two hours, forty-five minutes. Not bad. To celebrate the completion, we went out to eat. When we were going through the steps to buy both of our houses, all momentus occasions were capped off with a trip out to eat. I figured this called for it.

I was expecting much more intrusive questions. I felt like I came across as a goody two-shoes. But, it's the truth. My previous mariage was discussed in detail. Mostly for the time spent with her kids....but also the story behind the breakup. I tell that story a lot (not near as much as I used to). But, I don't tell it in detail like I did today. It was strange to dig up all those details. Not bad, just strange.

Bottom line is we're ready to be parents. We're happy to be the cool aunt and uncle. But we're ready to be that AND parents now. I gave her my "Now we just go pick up our child tomorrow" joke on the way out the door. She seemed to appreciate it. Still - I'm not kidding. ;)

Class 7 - Sexual Abuse - That sucked.

After Saturday's long, but shockingly not so horrible class, we had high hopes that tonight's class wouldn't be as gloomy as expected. We were wrong. What a tough tough subject to cover. Especially when we know we're so close to having to deal with it in "real-time".

We started off by going over three scenarios of real cases and writing down how we felt about the child, the abuser, the parent, etc. Those three cases took up over an hour and a half. We were some angry classmates. I think we all had a hard time wrapping our heads around the fact that this stuff goes on and how often it happens. One of guys in class is a cop and shared some tough stories. One couple has kids from a very tough story about a family member. The rest of us sat in quiet disgust and sadness.

The second half of class went fairly quickly. There wasn't much change in our attitudes....but it went a lot quicker. I did learn a lot about how to handle some very tough situations differently than I would naturally try to handle them. But overall an emotionally, tough, draining session tonight.

On a positive note - Wednesday the case worker is coming for our home-study. To say we aren't nervous would be a lie. And it's an excited nervousness I think. We aren't nervous that we're going to do or say something wrong. It's just is THIS is the 3 hour interview that determines what kind of kids get offered the chance to come and stay with us. THIS is the time that controls how all case workers see and perceive us. Pretty big deal.

Two more classes that seem to be much lighter subjects than a lot of the last 7. It's the home stretch and we're more than ready for it.

"The Big Class" - Discipline and Behavior

Today we had the class I was dreading. First, it was on Saturday for 8 hours. Second, I couldn't see how this subject matter would in any way be "fun".

But you know what? It was. I didn't know how much I actually LOVE hearing other people telling about their "Whooping" stories. Everybody had a story about how their parents whipped them growing up in one way or another. Some were probably beaten at or close to the level of what would considered to be abuse these days. But everybody told their story and had some humor to add with it. We spent most of the morning laughing.

With Foster Care in CPS - You can NOT physically discipline your kids. Period. Some people in the class have a hard time with that. More than I originally thought. A lot of parents in class already have kids and the threat of spanking is a real consequence for bad behavior. I think everybody understands WHY you can't spank a child who has been physically abused before being placed with you. But a lot of parents have a hard time figuring out alternative ways.

I felt like this was right in my wheelhouse. Maybe it's because I'm still "Uncle Steve" and don't have kids of my own. But, I was proud of the questions that Lori and I had that "real" parents commented on. At one point, a couple that we have become friends with told us during a break that he thought we were going to be excellent parents. We think we are, too. But to hear that from someone that I have learned to respect as a parent was cool.

We didn't have as many activities today. We all participated as a class instead of individual groups of 2 or 4. I like the classroom discussions more. I get a LOT more out of the REAL situations that some of these parents have already been through rather than trudging through the printed material. Marlene (our co-instructor) opened up a lot more about her past with foster-care. That really has been the most helpful part of all of this for all of us I think. I think our case-worker, Carry, has REALLY improved since the first class. I think it helps to know our little inside jokes, who to rely on for the answer she is looking for, the joke she knows in coming. I feel like we're a little more connected than we were. We even cracked some jokes about the uncomfortable situations that have popped up in previous classes. I thought they would have avoided it, but they hit it head on. I'm glad about that.

I'm glad to get the "Big" class out of the way. That's been looming large on our calendar for some time now. Only two more REAL classes left - Sexual Abuse and Preparing for Change. Then, the last Monday night is Panel Night. That's a class I'm really looking forward to.

Then give me a dang kid! No. After that, or maybe even before, our "home-study" starts. I think I'm looking forward to that. But, quite frankly, I just want them to give me a kid. I thought at this stage we would discover that there's a lot more we need to know before we're actually ready. Now, I think we're as ready as we can possibly be. We know we don't know everything. But I don't think there is much more we can learn before we're thrown to the wolves.

Can you hear the excitement in my typing? I'm just as excited today as I was when we decided to start doing this.

Paperwork - Check

Monday was President's Day, so there was no class. However, since we all needed to take a CPR class, we had one organized and eight of us went and did it. It was fun. The lady that taught it did it in a custom built room off of her house. She was funny - Redneck Teachin' is what she called it. We enjoyed her stories and while she did everything by the book to make sure we were "legal" we didn't spend a lot of time gabbing about things that weren't really practical to our situation.

That out of the way, we pushed to get everything copied and put in our file. The last thing was done today - a copy of my dog's vet records. We think that's it. We're pretty much done till the end of class (as far as we know). It really wasn't that difficult. We're SO ready for the home-study now.

We have our big eight hour course this Saturday - Discipline and Behavior Problems. This is the one that nobody looks forward to. Then we have another class Monday night. Sexual Abuse. Another bummer topic. But - every step is a step forward. We're enjoying our classmates more and more. Something I didn't think would happen after the first couple of weeks.

Class 5 - Strengthen Family Relationships

Tonight was a pretty good class. We seem to get smaller and smaller each week. There are 11 of us now. We're bonding a lot more and there are a lot more personal stories being shared. We raced through the agenda and a lot of the class was spent with a lot of stories of what people had been through.

Marlene, our co-instructor, has been invaluable I think. She has fostered so many children, when someone has a question, it usually ends with a "What did you do Marlene?" And to her credit, she usually had to deal with the topic we are talking about in some credit and always shares. And tonight she brought up obscure problems. Sort of a "something to consider that you may not think about...." type problems.

At one point tonight, we had to role-play. Our scenario was of a 15 year old girl named Michelle who had been molested by her mom's boyfriend and put in a foster home. She was being coaxed by her foster mom to go to a visit with the birthmom. We had to act out a scene. Lori played the mother. Of course, I played Michelle. I did a lot of eye rolling and "whatevah"'s. We did pretty good. Sometimes I worry that we're a little dominating in our group. I don't know if Tammy and John mind so much. But I worry.

Next week we're off and then the Saturday following that we have an 8 hour class on Discipline. I can't say I'm looking forward to it. But....one more step. In the meantime, we're going to try to do CPR class, I have to get tested for TB, and a couple of other paperwork visits. I have to take an online class on Medical Consent Training. I'm probably doing that right after I finish this entry.