Wow. I'm about as emotionally drained as a human being can be I think. I keep telling myself - "It's for the best." Lori has a sense of relief that I haven't seemed to be able to find yet. I know it's the right decision. But, it doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel right at all.
Yesterday we admitted Dalton into the hospital because of his anger issues.
It's hard to talk about. It's hard to type about. But, here I am on a Saturday night with that "nervous" energy that hasn't been there in a long time. I don't know where to put it. So, here I am at the keyboard. It's probably not the best idea to put my thoughts down in writing. But, I don't think I know of another way.
It's strange to visit this blog again and see the last thing posted was probably the greatest day of my life. Yesterday may not have been the worst, but it was a pretty dark day. Truth is, we didn't have a choice really. Dalton is about to be eight years old. When we first got him he was six. The issues he has today are exactly the same as the ones he had the day we met him. But, he's a lot stronger than he was at six. He's gotten better at channeling his anger. He's grown physically, but not at all emotionally. He still throws a thee year old fit for nothing. The little things trigger him a lot more often now. And, most importantly, Bailey is suffering for it. I've got to protect them both.
The beginning - Dalton is an anxious kid. Always. When he's having fun, when he's not having fun, when he's sleeping, when he's working, when he's reading - always. He sleeps with his eyes open a lot. He's on medication that is supposed to help him sleep. We took him off of it and he slept better - but taking him off it it caused his impulse control to disappear almost instantly. A week later, after the request of everybody that deals with him during the day, we put him back on it. We've played with a couple of his medications. Some of the things we're trying to achieve get better. But other things surface. As he outgrows his medication levels, his symptoms show up with more vigor before we can get the medication changed. Dalton never got the things he needed as a baby. Nobody taught him how to write, eat, wash, etc. He's come so far in the last year, it's amazing. But, one thing we're having trouble teaching is how to be a 7 year old. Certain things trigger his "baby" instinct and he'll do this baby-type laugh that he thinks Lori enjoys. She gives him that comforting mothering that he never got. We hope someday his needs are fulfilled enough that it isn't necessary anymore. He has no attention span. I don't know if medication will ever find his attention. He can look you dead in the eye as you are talking to him and not hear a word you say. In fact, he rarely hears a word. His grades are good, but recently things have gotten a bit harder and he's giving up more readily. Math especially. He's an excellent reader, but he sees how many pages he has to read and he quits. Encouraging him only frustrates him. The frustration leads to the thing we're all concerned about - his anger.
He did pretty well over the Christmas break. He got a lot of attention I guess. He was pretty anxious about Santa Claus and the anticipation was a bit of a problem. But, overall, he did well. We expected him to act out a lot more. We tried to have a big talk with him before school started. But, he wasn't in to it. He viewed the talk as him being in trouble. We were trying to tell him we were going to help him a lot more with homework and that he was in control of his behavior at school. The frequent trips to the office just weren't going to cut it. The talk ended with him screaming at me in his room. Lori and I were a little at a loss for words. But, we carried forward like we always do.
Tuesday was the first day back. He had a therapy appointment. We always expect an outburst after therapy. It's just too much anxiety. There were some bumps Tuesday night for sure. Wednesday, things started going wrong. He had an issue with a boy at school and told him he was going to "punch him in the face." He knows better than to say something like that. I think he said it because the boy didn't want to play with him. Dalton viewed that as the boy being mean to him. Dalton was written up for it. A couple hours later, that same boy was hit in the head with a rock. I got a call from the office. Dalton was going to serve an "In School Suspension" the next day. Dalton denied it for a long time. Every bad excuse. Obvious lies. Wednesday night was a bad bad fit. His room is already stripped down because everything he can put his hands on becomes something to throw. He's destroyed dressers, beds, toys. We've gotten more efficient at things over the last year. He's got a bed he can't lift now. A dresser he can't toss. There's a lock on his closet door. He comes after me. I can still handle him, but he's getting stronger and his stamina is a lot better than mine. I was sore on Thursday just from defending myself.
Thursday he had ISS and it was just him and a teachers aid in a small room all day. No other kids - no recess - no frills. He loved it. The teacher was nice to him. Why wouldn't she be? He's a cute and funny kid when he's getting the one-on-one attention he craves. He had a ball. He went to his day care and when I picked them up, he was singing. Nothing wrong in his world. Until later - he admitted he kicked a boy who told him to "shut up." Lori and I were a bit crushed. He hadn't learned a thing from the day before. The night ended chillingly. We spent the evening talking about how no child deserves to be hurt for anything - especially words. Dalton agreed. Except, the two kids he hurt deserved it because they were mean to him. I was inside the room when he said it. Lori was outside the door. We both knew that was a new line he just crossed.
Friday morning, the kids were eating breakfast. Dalton was making a noise with his chair and I told him to stop. The noise continued and I told him to stop again. He said it wasn't him. I asked bailey if it was her and she said no. Dalton SCREAMED that she was lying. Before I could get to them, he was in her face with venom. I don't know if I would describe the look on Bailey's face as "scared", although I'm sure she was. She was more confused at why he was so angry. I got Dalton to his room quickly as it escalated. He screamed horrible things to his sister. I agreed that she had lied. He didn't care. She needed to pay. It wasn't fair. She was mean to him.
Lori and I knew immediately that our life as a family was going to change. The original plan was for one of us to take off work and stay with him. But, his inability to turn off the anger, and the fact that I was worried about Dalton hurting himself, Lori and I talked about the next step. She made phone calls while I stayed with Dalton.
When Dalton saw our tears, his anger stopped. I don't think he was concerned. He just didn't know why we both had tears. He knew from some of the other kids he's been around what going to a "hospital" meant when you weren't sick. He'd been told of straight-jackets and padded rooms and such long before he came to our home. I assured him we were going to talk to someone that could help us. He wasn't worried about that. Another fit came up when he realized mom had already taken Bailey to school and he wasn't going. Once he got out of that, we were off to the hospital.
He and I were alone and he was fine. Everything about the trip to the emergency room was fun for him. There was a helicopter, he got to play on my iPod, there was a vending machine. The emergency room had wires and machines, and a TV. I sent him to the bathroom once in the hallway. I heard the alarm go off at the nurses station but didn't think anything about it. That is, until the nurses came running down the hallway. I should have known he'd pull the "Pull for Help" cord. He was fine and was sorry.
Finally a nice "nurse" in a business suit came down and spoke with us. At some point the realities of the day started to hit me. I thought about just picking him up and making a run for it. I mean, when he's sweet, he's really sweet. He was having a good time. We got to ride in a golf cart over to the other wing. When I started filling out the paperwork, I decided that Lori's presence was necessary.
We were in the admitting doctor's office when Lori got there. I told our whole story about 10 different times. They were strict and firm from the start with Dalton. He got a little scared because he was trying to joke and nobody around him seemed to think it was funny. I started off a little defensive but quickly realized that they weren't doing anything I don't do most of the day. I'm just not comfortable with strangers doing it. The doctors had Dalton diagnosed almost instantly. We met the staff and saw the facilities. It was a whirlwind of activity, paperwork, and tears. Dalton was fine the whole time.
We left there and withdrew him from school. That was pretty hard. His teachers were stunned (but not shocked I think). Everybody cried together. He's in school at the hospital. We went home and got some stuff together and took it back up at 6 pm last night. He was still having a blast. There was a movie that night and he was going to get popcorn. He really couldn't wait for us to leave. He missed us, but he wasn't scared.
Today, we got to go visit from 2-4. Dalton stuck around for a little over an hour before he wanted to go back to play. He's in therapy four times a day. He has supervision 24/7. They literally check on him every 15 minutes while he sleeps. "Redirection" is something we are something we are very familiar with. It's something that he's getting 24/7 now. We saw the difference in him a little bit today. We're meeting everybody on Monday for family therapy and other things.
The hard part - Bailey. She's never been apart from Dalton. Except for maybe once or twice, I don't think they've slept under a different roof their whole lives. Bailey doesn't understand fully what he's dong there. She went with us today and was fine until it was time to say goodbye. She asked if he could just come with us and come back tomorrow. I worry for her on Monday when she goes back to school and the questions on "Where's Dalton?" start coming in. We're not sure what to tell her to say. We're hoping she does her magic and comes up with something better than we could. We're keeping her out of church tomorrow..
As a dad, my emotions are all over the map. I know this is the right thing for Dalton. I'd rather get him up to speed now than when he's in his teens. I don't want to worry about what he did wrong or who he hurt every time my phone rings. I don't want to wake up one night to Bailey's screams from some sort of revenge. He's going to get 6 months of therapy in 6 days. His birthday is Friday. It kills me that he'll be there for his birthday. Kills me. He'll probably get a pony and a roller coaster when he gets home from my guilt. The monster truck show is coming up, something we've looked forward to since last year. That's probably going to be a no-go.
But I KNOW he's in the right place. Dalton is fine. He's in camp. He likes all the people that are watching him. I hope he gets the help he needs and I hope he comes out with the tools he needs to deal with his anger. I hope I get the tools I need as well.
That's it. My cup is empty. I'm going to do the best I can to throw myself in to work. I'm going to do the best I can to make sure Bailey is well taken care of. I'm going to do the best I can to make sure Lori and I are in a good place. I'm going to to the best I can to make sure I'm there for Dalton for whatever he needs. I'm going to do the best I can to breathe.
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